Hi
I've been trying with no success at all to put in some work on the PhD over the last week. My husband broke the news to me last Monday that he'd been having an affair (fairly short-lived 6/7 weeks) with a close friend of his who he met last September. So, of course, it's been difficult for us both, and I'm not necessarily asking for comfort or advice on that personal front. We're staying together and planning on working things out - he's been very straight-up about everything from when he told me and he is being good with me in my varying stages of coping. We know it's going to take time but we've got that, I guess...

However, I just can't concentrate - teaching isn't so bad as you simply have no choice. But what about PhD work - I'm at the reading and organising research visits stage. Now the organising bit isn't so bad but I've done no worthwhile reading since last Monday now.

Has anyone had to deal with a similar situation and have any advice on how I can get back on track?

I am really sorry to hear this. When speaking to a lecturer who finished last September well within 3 years she said that it's best to accept that life is going to get in the way occasionally and to build in spare weeks. Carrying on with PhD work during difficult times is really hard and sometimes impossible because just scraping through and putting in the hours isn't enough, your heart has to be in it. Don't beat yourself up about it and take some time out if you feel you need to.

I'm not really sure if I have any good advice, but I couldn't read your post and run. What you are going through must be so hard, and you are very strong to decide to work at it, and also carry on with everything else.

I would say, take it easy on your PhD for a bit if you are not under huge time pressure. What you are dealing with is hard, and takes a lot out of you, so you need to make your life as easy as possible for yourself right now.

please take good care of yourself.

Hi Clarabelle! Sorry to hear about your situation but glad that you have taken the decision to work things through. I have had various personal issues throughout my academic career, and the only thing I can really say is- you just do what you can do! If you need to shift your workload around so that you only do the bits that you can concentrate on then do it. If the reading is not happening (and then you're giving yourself a hard time about it) then just leave that aspect for now and concentrate on something else- I always do the menial boring tasks when I'm struggling- so putting testing packs together, transcribing, and so on. Obviously that depends on what kind of work you have to do. Don't give yourself a hard time- you have had a shock and you are trying your best. I really hope things work out for you both. Best, KB

My sympathies Clarabelle, it must be really tough to work on your PhD when you are going through all this. In a way you pre-empted my answer to you - reading is tough if you're not focussed so I would just try to keep up with the practicalities of your PhD that need attention. Can you press ahead with fieldwork, interviews etc. I would park the serious reading and just keep tipping away at whatever you can.

Positive thoughts to you

This must be really difficult Clarabelle, I'm so sorry for you but you sound as if you're working things out so good luck on that part.
I think doing academic work whilst going through these sort of problems is extremely difficult. It's far easier if you have a job that you go out to every day as you have found when you're doing your teaching - you can just get on with it and forget what's going on at home.
I don't think you'll be able to concentrate as normal so I'm with the other posters....try and do practical things like organising visits etc. Treat this as a reflective time when you need 'mental health duvet days' or even weeks and don't worry if you're not productive at the moment. There will be times when it goes really well to make up for slack times.
Take time for yourself and your PhD will benefit in the long run.

That sounds pretty hard and I admire you for working through it. It is difficult to concentrate when at computer working away when other stuff is going on. I would advise just setting small goals and trying to reward yourself when achieve them. Be nice to yourself!

Thank you so much to all of you who responded to this, especially such quick responses. You stopped me feeling guilty that I should be managing. So instead of reading stuff for PhD, I spent all yesterday morning reading advice and counselling stuff online. It was such a good morning that I went to lunch feeling actually positive about us and what we can achieve - almost excited at the opportunity in fact.

I told this all to my husband when I got home and although he was slightly bemused, he was also pretty positive about it all and we both had a normal night's sleep for the first time in ten days! That's in large part due to advice here not to stress about study but to look after myself. So thank you so much. Just hope I can keep that positivity going until we're in a state when we can move forward from this.

And then I'll be able to study again!

Something that works for me, is that I keep a separate word document called " Me and My research". If I sit down to work and I can't concentrate, it is time to use the document. I write everything that it is in my mind bothering me, until I have nothing more to say or think, and then I am able to concentrate. I know it sounds basic and a bit foolish, but it works.

Good luck.

Clarabelle I want to send you a great big hug.
Life is so unpredictable What is important is to draw strength from people who are important to you, take each day one at a time.
Life is just very unkind at times. Don't blame yourself for decisions you take as a result or the unforeseen consequences of these in the future.
As I say big hug
Dafydd