Hi folks
I was just wondering how those of us in relationships cope with changing ideas for the future and their partners reactions, or even if anyone else has been in this situation, I'm not really sure what I can do about it....My boyfriend and I are pretty serious, talk about marriage and children and all that, but having been doing things long distance for the past few years has taken its toll. I would love nothing more than to hop on over to the country he's living in when I'm finished and work there alongside him (he's postdoc-ing there for the next 2 years) but there are really no jobs there for me, short of waitressing. So, it looks like I will have to take a job anywhere I can get really, there aren't many (ie. any) jobs anywhere for me at the moment.
I'm trying not to freak out as I still have 6 months until I finish and was planning to stay over with him for a month or so when I'm finished while I'm viva prepping. I'm moving home in a few months to save enough money to do this as I'll not be able to work in his country when I'm there. However, I've decided to apply for a training post for 3 months that will be starting when I'm finished, and if I got it, it would be amazing for boosting my employability and my supervisor is all for it. My boyfriend doesn't sound so pleased though as I think he's a bit miffed that it means I can't go over and stay with him like planned.
I'm just not sure what I can do about it, it's not like I want to stay apart but this is too good an opportunity to not apply for it....just wondered if anyones been in a similar situation!

hi algaequeen is there anyway you can still visit your boyfriend and still do the training post, like fit in everything at the same time, is there a way to kind of shift the dates around.

like have your cake and eat it.... :-)

I think its a good idea to apply for that post since its good for your cv. Anyhow your boyfriend will understand. A relationship is also about change :-)

satchi

I'm sure he's more disappointed than truly miffed, long distance really is hard going and he must have been looking forward to that time with you. Could you substitute part of the period at your parent's for staying with him, maybe while writing up? I don't think you should give a good training opportunity if you can help it, you need all the cv you can get just now. It must be horrible to know you can't live together for now, at least if you're in a good job though you'll have proper holiday time and more money to visit one another.

My own ability to move around for work post-phd is limited because hubby and I have a mortgage and he has a child, so dashing off to where there's work isn't easy. I actually chose my phd mainly on the basis of geography (so we could live close to his daughter) but now I'm working up the guts to strike out and do something for the sake of my career. He's very supportive, but the guilt and prospect of being apart does tear you up inside. It's made me re-think my plans a lot because I don't want us to be apart long term and I know that mobility (preferably on an international scale) is really important if you want to develop an academic career.

Algaequeen, I actually have something genuinely really intelligent and helpful to say here (for once), so I shall be back later when I've finished writing (so I don't break my chain of thought) to, quite genuinely, give you the benefit of my experience and wisdom. It's good news as well. (up)

Hi Algaequeen.

I think changing ideas/plans etc can be really hard, having been at both the receiving and giving end of this in my relationship.
Of course it would be a shame from your relationship point of view if you cannot go and see you bf and spend some decent time with him. However, having said that, I think you should definitely apply for the training post, and when/if you get it, maybe there is scope for negotiating the start date? Does it really have to start right after you finish your PhD? Many employers have some flexibility with this and it might be possible to have it both ways (bf and job - I guess it really depends on the details of the job whether they'll do it or not)..
Alternatively, have you considered going to see your bf whilst you are still writing up?
I am in a long-term, serious relationship and we've lived apart for years now, and I definitely feel that something has to change as I am worried that the relationship is suffering from this situation. At the same time, I am currently applying for a job at my current uni, which would make moving difficult (not impossible though) and I feel it's just a constant dilemma with bf vs job... So, I dont really have an answer either.. I hope you can work something out for you and your bf and make everyone happy :-x ?!

I don't really believe in long distance relationships to be honest. But hats off to you if you managed it for this long and you believe that it works. I don't mean to sound nasty but he doesn't seem to be your priority as you easily add more months to your already difficult-to -bear separation... There will always be good opportunities; time to set priorities (what you want, why you want etc.). Living in a future that does not exist is not the way forward imho. Good luck whatever your decision is...

So, an evidence-based opinion of the long distance relationship scenario... You will not be surprised to learn that it is a common dilemma in the Higher Education System for academics (Lonsdale, 2010). Indeed, it is referred to as the 'two-body' problem and is an increasingly common phenomenon (Ciere, 2008). I think that, as you are eventually going over there to be with your partner (if I understand you rightly), after your 3 month training post, it should not be a serious problem. In fact, you'll be delighted to know that there are may advantages associated with conducting a long distance relationship. Let's check it out...
Rose (2008) has argued that long distance relationships lead to the perception by both partners that time spent together is and should not be wasted. Gomez (2007) adds that it counters the over-familiarity dilemma. Goldberg (2007) concludes that true love does not know boundaries such as distance. However, the author is not clear on the methodology that he used to reach such conclusions.
There are also a wealth of studies available that have examined strategies for ameliorating the difficulties that may be associated with long distance relationships. For examples, Johnsen et al (2008) studies college students' use of relational management strategies in email in geographical long distance relationships. The authors concluded that email is a highly efficacious medium for maintaining a long distance relationship between romantic partners. Of course, there is also the telephone (Hoskins (1985) has stated that it's good to talk), and it's not like it's forever. BUT, I think you should also remain a little cautious because of difficulties that may arise with your saliva...
Hamilton and Meston (2010) have demonstrated that salivary testosterone decreases in females when they are long distances away from the partners for more than 1 week. Now, I'm not sure if this is dangerous or not, but I'm fairy sure there'll be some misleading story in the Daily Express or Daily Mirror about it causing hair loss, limb shrinkage or red eyes.
Anyway, the bottom line is, you have to think of you and your career. It's also not a unique situation (millions of relationships go through this), so your boyfriend will understand and be patient.(up)

While I think I understand what 404's getting at, I have to disagree with this. I think it's hard, I think it can be lonely, and I think it's far from my own preferences. But while I understand that long distance may not work with society's ideal of a conventional relationship, there are many more ways than that to live! I have one friend who has been with his girlfriend for about 8 years, right through uni and beyond. They don't live together, not even in the same city, but they are committed, happy, and enthusiastic about one another in a way many couples would envy. I'm actually more wary of couples who ditch their aspirations and sit back, stockpiling resentment under the same roof. While relationships do need prioritising, I think a lot of people neglect the risks inherent in that - if you compromise the rest of your life, you can end up a very different person to the one that you wanted to be, and very different to the person that your partner first loved.

Hey Teek... Good points. I didn't mean to dismiss long-distant relationships fully. I should have explained my definition and understanding of relationship but the subject would get unnecessarily deeper. I've been in a long-distance relationship once, wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I have many friends in long distance relationships (love, happiness, commitments etc words are consumed in their relationship too) but I wouldn't call such struggle 'relationship' (again, not dismissing all long distance relationships, only the ones I've seen). Having said that, there are some couples who manage this a lot better than the ones that live together, but it all comes to the personal definition of relationship doesn't it?

Aww thanks guys, I love this forum!
I totally agree with what everyone's been saying actually. 404, you're right that in a lot of cases being in a long distance relationship can be more of a struggle than anything else at times, but if it's a constant struggle then I that's when I think something has to change, just as if you were struggling through a relationship where you see each other regularly. There will always be plenty of arguments and things that get misunderstood, but it's important to be able to distinguish which are due simply to being frustrated at the distance and which are actually about the relationship. But Teek you're totally right in saying that you can't dismiss a relationship just because it's long distance, and being forced to fit into a way of life that's not really what you want for the sake of a relationship would totally change me into a right resentful oul nag!
Thank you Wally for that wonderfully comprehensive reply, Bob Hoskins was right when he said it's good to talk indeed! Altho my boyf apparently 'isn't good on the phone'...or so he says! :-)
To clarify, if I was lucky enough to get this 3 month post, then I would still be seeing my boyfriend once a month as we do now, those 2 lovely days in an otherwise dreary landscape! Or I could possibly see him more as I'll not be in the lab/office most weekends...it's more of a case of him being disappointed that I'll not actually be living there for those 3 months I think that's got him a bit off, but I'm also disappointed and feeling rather guilty that I might have to change plans so I do have a tendency to overthink things...He would never in a million years stop me doing something that was important to my career, and we have both agreed that as the first job is usually the hardest to get, we'll do what it takes to get it and hopefully be able to get a job int he same place afterwards. Hence he will now be postdoc-ing in France for 2 years while I finish and hopefully get my first job. Which, while it's difficult to be apart, we both know is important to do if we want to have a chance of a future together. SO!
Some good news though: I met my lovely supervisor yesterday in the corridor and he said he doesn't care where I do my writing up so long as the words are coming and I meet my deadlines, so I'll be off to live with my boyfriend for the last few months of the PhD! That should make things easier!!

Ah, great news algae! I'm sure being with your boyfriend will make the writing up much easier to bear (especially since he's been through it can relate to the struggle). Roll on your relocation 8-)

thanks teek! stars all round btw ;-)

what your supervisor said is wonderful news Algaequeen. Good luck in everything...