Hi all,

Does anyone have any tips for avoiding thinking about work after a working day is finished? I guess the problem is I have about 12 weeks until I plan to submit, so I'm doing long hours and finding it hard to switch off. That coupled with some problems with a supervisor who is a real pain (huge understatement there!), and it seems to be wearing my boyfriend down. Truthfully, part of me resents feeling like I need to be chirpy around him so that he doesn't get fed up of me working all the time, when he said all along that he would support me all through the PhD. However, I also can imagine that I'm a bit hard work at the moment and I love him and want him to be there when this is all over. Recently he said that I'm like a broken record when it comes to problems with my supervisor etc, which makes me feel very sad that I can't discuss things with him at a time when I feel very unconfident about my thesis/getting a job afterwards, etc. So I'm just wondering, when everything seems a bit rubbish and you can't afford to take time out, how do you switch off after a long day? I'm wondering if it's partly that when I am home and not working, I'm not 100% present because I can't stop thinking about the thesis. Any ideas or just knowing I'm not alone in this would be great - he was the only person I could talk to about stuff like this, and now I feel like talking to him will just make things worse!

Thanks,
Tulip

I'm the same as you Tulip, so don't worry you are not alone!

I haven't managed to find a way of switching off. I've just tried to explain to my family and non-PhD friends that whilst they may visibly see me, I'm not really present, like you have said. They don't understand, but there's nothing I can do about that.

I just try to see and talk to people as little as possible, which isn't nice for me or for them really, but it's the only way I can cope. I have to make my life about my thesis otherwise it will never be finished. I'm lucky that I'm single, so I don't have to worry about a significant other. It's not going to be take easy for you to do.

What I can tell you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will finish your thesis and your life will go back to normal. I can say this now, because tomorrow I will finish my 5th chapter, and then I only have one more to write, which I think will only take a week or so. Just knowing that I am almost finished is enough to make me feel better. Just hang in there Tulip - three months will pass in no time.

Throughout my PhD I was really good at 'switching off' as soon as I left the office. This is deteriorating now I'm in the final weeks! So I know how you feel, my partner has just accepted that some days I will just not be quite with it. Although he doesn't cope well with that when he is stressed too (we are moving house and he has to deal with it all as I said I can't do anything outside my PhD and work). In the days when we are both stressed it's a bit harder, but my technique is to stick to the normal routine. Come in, cook dinner (or he cooks), eat. Watch one tv show without working, nod and pretend I'm listening to his chat, then if I need to work I sit on the sofa with my laptop while he watches tv so I still look present even if I'm in my own world hah! I don't do much talking to him about my thesis at all though, as I like to ignore problems when I'm home, but that's my weird coping mechanisms! Don't worry about your boyfriend saying you are a broken record, maybe he was just having a bad day, tell him you need to vent so that you can cope, and this is only temporary as you will be finishing soon and I'm sure he'll understand.

im also in the last three months. I don't really switch off, and ive just accepted this is the way it is for the last few months. I even have dreams about my thesis where im trying to think through conceptual problems which is so weird, but maybe beneficial. I think in these last few months its just going to be 24/7, or 6 maybe. I would explain to him that its very temporary, but unavoidable. that I think is the only way to go. luckily im single, but living home with my parents...I also feel im quite rude. I cant really engage in conversations in the same way, im distracted and grumpy. but I think they know its temporary. he should too. remind him of the finish line.i wouldn't apologise too much because its just not healthy. good luck to us all x

Hi Tulip!

Everyone else has said it, but you are not alone. I think the last few months are the worst because that's when it consumes you. I actually think it's a good thing - it's how you get it done and know you're ready to move on. That being said, it is tough on the people we love.

My strategy was two-fold. Firstly, I had a discussion with my BF, parents and group of friends where I explained what a tough time this is, that I will need space but also support, that I will be absent-minded, aloof, distant etc. I told them that this is the way it has to be for me to finish in three months. Secondly, I make sure that I try and be as productive as possible when I have time to work on my PhD, so that when I'm busy with other things I don't feel guilty. When I've had a good day I make sure to tell my BF (instead of only talking about it when I'm frustrated with it). When I've had a bad day, I usually write a quick entry into my "PhD journal" - I've found it a great way to vent to a non-person and it also helps me move from phd-mode to person-mode.

I don't think you should have to pretend to be chirpy, but I do think a positive and upbeat attitude will be beneficial for everyone - so gripe a little when needed, but don't get caught up in it and try to make him part of the process - the ups and the downs. And remind him that it won't last forever - before you know it you will have submitted.

Finally, it's okay to be a bit selfish right now - most people can't understand what you're going through or what it takes to get a PhD, so do what you need to do, and just do the best you can.

Hey everyone,

Thank you for the replies, I must admit reading them made me feel a lot better that it isn't just me losing the plot or anything like that! it's good to know that I'm not alone in this, even though it isn't nice for any of us. Hopefully this will all be over very soon.

I've made a real effort the last few days to only mention the good aspects of work stuff to my boyfriend, like when writing is going well or a chapter is nearly finished, and everything else I'm keeping to a minimum. We've also agreed to half a day each week where neither of us talks about work and we do something fun together, and so far things seem to be better. It means I don't feel guilty working in the evenings too. I've also agreed a submission deadline with my supervisor for the first week of sept, so I'm literally counting down the weeks until this will be over! :)

Thank you again for the support guys, we're in this together and this will all be worth it when it's over!

Tulip