Hi,

I just started my PhD (last week in fact), and today I went on antidepressants. For a bit of background: My masters was fun, but I used it to cover my mental health issues, a family member committed suicide, and I felt a PhD was the best thing to do after my masters (whether it actually is or not I'm really beginning to question) as I had previously had unemployment issues and I thought a PhD was a good way to continue learning. I got diagnosed with anxiety in the summer, and I have a long history of mental health issues.

I've rationalized with my supervisor that I need time off because I had no break between MSc and PhD, and that it's stressing me out, but I don't know him well enough to approach the subject of depression. I'm having two weeks off starting end of next week, but I really needed more time off as I'm quite mentally ill. I'm scared he will have a bad opinion of me: that I'm workshy or lazy, or crazy. I can't even bear the thought of going into university right now, I had to leave early today because I couldn't stop crying.

It's made me question ever starting this PhD, I don't think I'm mentally equipped to do one, and I think my motivations weren't good enough and my passions are else-where. There's a big part of me that wants to take a year interrupt and just work to see. But I also feel my depression is making me consider silly decisions. I feel awful, this is meant to be a really special opportunity, I'm really well funded and a friend of mine is desperate to be in my position, but I'm flagging already. I've even been looking into low-pressure jobs in case I decide to quit.

I know this is a complex situation, but any advice?

I have found honesty to be the best policy, and from there on it depends on how much you feel comfortable sharing/they feel comfortable hearing. I admitted to my supervisors that I have a mental health diagnosis, and let them know how this might impact my performance on the PhD. After that I pretty much left it to them to bring up - which once in a while they do. Then it's up to me to share.

I would definitely make sure it is registered with the University as a diagnosed condition though - I haven't had any additional support but it does mean the right box is ticked should I ever need to take a break etc.

There is no way of telling how your supervisor will react unless you have a good idea of their character. A friend of mine was upfront about her mental health issues at the start of her PhD, and it did enable her to more easily get a break (sick leave actually) when she needed one on the grounds of mental health. However, her supervisors have not been at all empathetic and she feels that it has been more stigmatized at uni (old fashioned system, less regulation) as compared to her previous experiences in work. That said, she needed to be open with them.

I think that given the way you are feeling already it is worth mentioning it and gauging things. You don't need to share more than you feel comfortable sharing. You are at such an early stage that really there are lots of options open to you (although it doesn't always feel that way when you are receiving funding and can feel somewhat at the mercy of others). For example, if your supervisor reacted badly then that might be a good indication that they are not the right supervisor for you - and maybe you could try get someone else on board as an additional supervisor. Your supervisor and their attitude/support is going to be incredibly important to your success over the next 3 years, and so finding out where you stand with them / what kind of reaction they are going to have asap will be helpful, as then you can consider alternatives like the one suggested.

I think from what you've said that you definitely want to have some strategy in place - and your supervisor ideally should be on board with it. Do you have an advisor? The fact of the matter is - whatever the reaction of your supervisor, you will be able to apply for mitigating circumstances etc if needed later if you've been upfront. But their attitude will most likely have an impact on how you feel and on your work throughout the PhD.

I hope this helps a little.

I just want to say as well - there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to do a PhD if you have the ability,. you want to do one, and you have the proper support. From what you've said, it sounds like a bit of time out would be helpful now so that you can take a break and have a clearer perspective. You might not feel that deferring for a year is necessary after all once you've taken a breather and had a chance to get a good strategy and support plan in place. Or you might think yeh, this isn't what I want right now. Either way - a break would be useful so that you know that your decisions are balanced and not just made while under the pressure you're feeling now.

All the best :)

I'm sorry to hear your struggling with your anxiety at the moment, and I think it is very sensible for you to be considering the most beneficial way of moving forward. I think honesty is indeed best, as the effort of covering up your anxiety may leave you even more anxious, and make you feel like it is something that needs to be hidden when you should never feel ashamed of having an illness, like any other illness. Of course there are levels of honesty, so it's not to say you have to divulge all the details, and you can still keep it in formal work language if you want to lower the feelings of baring you soul.

Obviously it's true that not all supervisors are understanding, but there should be university support services in place so that if you ever do face unfair treatment you can seek support or even have such behaviour challenged. Of course its easier to say any of this than do it, and I actually quit my first PhD in the first few weeks as I was deep into mental health struggles and just not ready. However I started another a year later and have always been honest about my mental health issues, and though it's not always easy I think a PhD is still perfectly possible with mental health problems, and in fact sadly quite a large % of PhDs suffer from them!

TheatrePlode, you have two issues here as far as I can tell from your posts. Firstly whether you should do the PhD at all and secondly what to do to support yourself if you quit.
I think you need to separate them because fear of the second issue is forcing a decision on the first issue.

I think you probably don't want to do the PhD. I think you have burnt out. Look in a mirror and ask yourself out loud whether you even want to do a PhD? Forget about alternatives for a moment and resolve this issue first. You can always do a PhD a few years from now.

Having made that decision(assuming you want to quit) the second issue simply becomes a matter of choosing a job. Consider something as stressfree as possible for 12 months to give your brain a chance to calm down a bit. You need much less money to survive than most people think.

Your mental health may not improve until you free yourself from the rat race you are in.