Hi everybody here

I am very sorry for my so negative thread here. But I am so close to the complete collapse . Please forgive me. Everyday, the idea of killing myself has popped into my mind quite many times. I know I am not normal at the moment. I just can't help myself. Being a PhD might be a big failure and humiliation in my life. I just hate myself. I am sorry. In my real life nobody knows what I am feeling. I fell too shamful to talk to anybody about my feeling. And I don't think my supervisor really cares about what I fell. Also I Don't want disturbe and worry my families. I just keep saying 'I am fine. Everything is going very well' whenever i've made phone long distance calls to them. I just think of myself a failure. I even don't deserve the life. What I should do? I wish I was a religious people so I might get some spiritual strength from my religin. Unfortunately I am not a religious people. But don't misundersatnd me. I am a very kind person. This June, I initiated a donation event in my university for the victims suffering in China
earthquake. But when I am in desperation, I just feel totally helpless. The problem might be mine. I don't dare to ask help. I don't know. I am sorry..
When I am typing these words, it is already 3 am now. What a life it is? What can I do to drag myself out from the dark pit to make a decision whatever it is? Help me. Please.

I am so sorry for my incoherent speaking. Please, forgive me.

God bless you all

hey hey hey

first calm down, take a deep breath

NOW, its OK to feel overwhelmed. We all do so in this life, for one reason or another. So its alright to feel frustrated, at the edge of collapse, and feel nothing matters.

there will be many people at this forum to help you wade out of deep end in which you feel entrapped, so there is HELP available

EVERYTHING will be alright, nothing LET ME SAY AGAIN, NOTHING, NOTHING is worth taking so seriously that you will think of ending your life. I SAY AGAIN NOTHING

Now i dont know, what might be the issue, some personal disappointment, professional setback, financial trouble, general stress, physical ailment, I DONT KNOW what is weighing so heavily on your heart.

WE all have problems, and we fall back on each other for help. I admire that you are not worrying your family. BUT honestly, if you are this upset, talk to someone close. PLEASE dont take away the chance from those who care about you to help you with whatever you are going through, friend family whoever can support you, ask them to help

in any case, many people in this forum are there to support you.

I hope you will feel better.
lots of hugs for you

Trust me, you will be fine.

I agree with everything Smrh has said.

And, you do not sound incoherent to me.. just upset.. and we all get upset sometimes.


If you really do feel suicidal and just need someone to talk to then there are some contacts here:

www.befrienders.org (international)
www.samaritans.org (uk)

Also, as Smrh says you are welcome to share your troubles on this forum.. I expect there will be someone else who is going through similar difficulties.

Take care

SadSabrina,

Hope you are feeling a bit better for having posted. There are people you can talk to, for example, Student Welfare at your University and they would want to help. Although there can be no substitute for professional help and support (which should be the priority) these websites might be helpful.

http://www.ulifeline.org

http://www.stampoutsuicide.org.uk

You said in your post that you don't dare to ask for help but please do, as there really are a lot of people in organisations and agencies that WANT TO HELP and CAN HELP you through this extremely difficult time.

You should contact your university counselling service and/or medical centre - there should be one - and see someone asap. Believe me, they will have talked to many students feeling as you do now - counsellors have heard it all and understand these situations. Or perhaps you have a graduate tutor for your dept or faculty that you can talk to. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I have felt like this in the past and got help either through the university medical centre or my gp. A PhD is not a person's life - whether it goes well or not. Here is another website that I have used in the past:

http://www.have-a-heart.com/

3 am is never a good time to think about your life! How are you feeling today?

Hey Sabrina,
Hang in there honey. Its natural to feel overwhelmed sometimes and sitting on your own at 3am in the morning is a very sad and lonely place to be BUT nothing, especially not a phd is worth ending your life over.

You are clearly a very articulate and sensitive person and have been very brave and strong in trying to deal with these feelings on your own but the time has come to let someone in. Please go and talk to counsellors or your GP, they are the experts at this sort of stuff and can help you find the way forward.

A further expression of the strength you've been showing so far is to tackle this stuff head-on and start sorting it out, you can climb out of that dark pit but you might need someone else to help you understand how - there is no shame or embarrassment in this, you would seek help, probably without question, if it were a physical illness making you feel this way.

You can get well and this is the most important thing.

xx

I agree with what everyone has said, they are absolutely right, nothing in this world, if ever worth ending your precious life, and you do deserve this life, of course you do. and there is no shame in failing, absolutely none at all! it doesnt define you as a person.

i know how you are feeling, i was going through a very dark period a couple of months ago, and i had suicidal thoughts aswell, i just wanted it to all just go away, i would never actually go through it, but did fantasise about it just ending everything. i was too shameful to tell my parents or my friends and kept pretending everything was fine, plus my supervisors were being horrid to me aswell, but i discovered this forum and got alot of support and help, and it really helped to change things around. trust me, there is always a solution to everything, no matter how hopeless.

i had recieved a letter from my uni saying i must submit my thesis or i would be terminated, at the time, i had hardly written any of my thesis. my supervisors were saying i am a failure and didnt believe i would be able to finish my thesis and were quite aggressive and intimidating to me. i had alot of pressure from my family to pass my phd. one day i just broke down and couldnt stop crying. eventually little by little, i got abit better, i first went to a counseller, spoke to friends, spoke to members on this forum. took a break from it all, and just thought, i will just try my best and whether i fail or not , that doesnt matter, as long as i try my best. i was very close to quitting. and this is after 7 years of work put into my phd, but only the last 2 years where i started on a new project that finally got me results.

trust me, i feel like a failure, but now i dont care. i am just trying my best, i have a few weeks to finish my thesis, which is still very incomplete, but i just take it day by day.

what i do want to share with you, is this:

"failure is about behaviour, outcomes and results, failure is NOT a personality characteristic. although what you do may not give you the result you wanted, it doesnt mean you are a failure! because you made a mistake, doesnt mean that you are a failure"

also i think perhaps now would be a good time to first: seek counselling at your university, every university has a counseller and it is completely confidential. and then speak to your supervisor, that you feel sick and take some time off and perhaps if you can visit your family. you need a break from it all to gain perspective.

i hope you are feeling better, everyone goes through what your going through. i've gone through it many times. its constant up and down. just everyday you gotta keep fighting it.

how are you feeling today? please remember that whether you pass your phd or not, is not important. what is important is your mental health. a phd does not deserve the sacrifice of your life, its just a degree at the end of the day, and the world is your oyster, you can do whatever you want. there are always other options and things that you might find that you can really excel in.

i am sure you are doing the best you can in your phd.

Hey, Sabrina -

First of all: you must understand that you are not alone. You are not alone in your feelings: they are feelings that a lot of us recognise. And as Smilodon said, there is something about 3am that magnifies those feelings! And anyone who has shared those feelings will tell you - it will pass. Although it feels as if you will never be normal again - you will be. Your mind is playing tricks on you at the moment.

And you are not alone because there are a lot of people - trained, professional people, at your university - who are standing ready to help you. You just have to ask. As soon as you walk into the counsellors' office they will understand why you are there and they will begin to help you get better.

From your post it sounds like you are away from home; is that right? So don't be hard on yourself: it is not easy feeling sad away from home. I would ask you to call at your university student welfare office tommorow: they will have a counsellor available. Can you do that? And let us know what happens. Do keep in touch with us: you posted this message only a few hours ago and you have 6 friends already!

:-)

Hey take a deep breath and relax.
Maybe you are a little bit more sensitive and take many stupid things that happen during a PhD (or life in general) much more seriously than you should.
I mean even the idea of ending your life over something-I don't know what is your main issue here- is extremely extreme as there is NOTHING in this life worth killing yourself for. I bet there are many people that love you and care for you and will definitely help you if you talk to them.
BEWARE--> Keeping all theses problems to yourself only makes things WORSE-Find someone to talk ASAP.

If you have any professionals in your uni that can assist you go to them first thing tomorrow and I guess you must also inform your family about these issues and try to find a solution. Trust me , you start to solve such emotional problems as soon as you start talking about them to people that care to help you first.

Accept the fact that you are facing emotional problems and seek help SOON-Most people face such emotional problem during their life and this is not something you should be ashamed of.

As soon as you recognize the problem you must ask for help and everything will be OK. And stop being pessimistic-I think when most people are so depressed get this feeling that everything they do sucks big time (I do that all the time) but when you recover you realize that this was absolutely irrational thinking.

Hope you feel better soon
:-)

I agree with everything others have said
Are you still new to your research? to move to a different place is always a big step, and to take on a research project is difficult too. Even when you know your way round a little it is the start of a whole new way of working it is a very steep learning curve and it needs time to settle in, and unfortunately this is sometimes not recognised by the university, it doesn't come overnight, or even in the first few years but somehow many of the academics and others too seem to expect you to know everything straight away, some expect too much as they have forgotten what it was like to be in your position.- and some may be good academically but not so good at people skills, they never get taught that bit! Things will get better. Do go to student welfare as a start, in a week or so there will be a load of new students around, you might want to try to join in a few of their activites just to give yourself a bit of a break from your studies. don't ever think of yourself as a failure, how can that possibly be so? However we all go through the same sort of thing, is our work good enough? does it make sense? etc. etc. and we have all had the work we have spent ages on sent back with comments that make your heart sink but that is where this forum comes in, look upon it as somewhere to get support because we have all been there and will be there until we get the thing finished and know what it is like.

Hope you are feeling a bit better.

hey sabrina, chin up!!!
what you're feeling is totally normal (!), i'm pretty sure everyone on this forum has felt like that from time to time and what's more, i'm sure that almost every postgrad student has felt like this before. you're not only not alone, you're NORMAL :-)
sometimes it just all gets to be a bit too much!

i suggest you contact your unis counseling service TOMORROW and make an appointment straight away. that way you can talk, face to face, with someone who understands your issues (and has heard them a million times before), who can make good and helpful suggestions and who won't tell anyone else about it. best idea, really. i've been there (pssst!)...
in fact, we were probably both crying at the same time last night... 8-)

Hi Swantje

Thank you soo much for your comfort and advices. I really appreciate. And I am very glad for your beating your past tough time.

I did cry that time. But please, try not to cry. Your eyes will hurt very much. Recently, I have cried quite frequent more than ever, which really make me eyesight getting poor very quickly. Sigh.

Thank you very very much....

Dear Smrh

Thank you sooo much for all what you said and your hugs.

Yes, when I am in clear mind, I will totally agree with you that there is nothing more valuable than life in this world. And, even I don't care about myself, i can't leave all my beloved in sorrow, especially my mom, because my father passed away just last year. How selfish and cowardly i am. I even hate and fell disgusted to myself more when the extreme idea emerged into my mind.

But I've found i am in a vicious circle. The more sorry I fell to all the people who care about me, the more guilty i fell, the stronger the desire of 'running away' becomes. I want to please and satisfice everybody so much. I can't imagine how could i face the humiliation if Ithe PhD turn out to be a my big failure. i CAN'T. I prefer death to humiliation. Shame shame shame on me. What a coward I am.

Thank you, Smrh, for your advice. I will try to ask help from the student counselling center although I know it's sos hard for me.

Bless

Hi Paulknit

Thank you soo much for your words and links provided. I tried one of them and made a phone call. That was a lady who was very patient and caring. But I just don't know why it's so hard for me to open my heart. I really don't think I am a reserved person. On the contrary, I have always been keen to provide help and listen to others, appear to be sociable. I've always enjoyed to be relied on and been afraid to be a burden of anyone. Maybe I am too sensitive and vulnerable. I really don't know.

Hi Seasons

Thank you soo much for your caring, advice and information provided. Yes, I do fell a bit better after posting here. Especially when i fell I am not totaly lonely. Sorry I have no bad intention at all, I wish good luck to all of you. I will try to contact the relevant unit for help and advice.

Bless