hi everyone. am having a really lousy evening. i had a very productive day and then hosted this dinner at my house. i've been job hunting as you all know. then this guy comes along, he's been trying to be friendly lately and he's in a great job in a science related job. he decides that i really need help getting a job in my field - social sciences. talks to a few friends about this and now i have an appointment with one of his friend's spouses who's apparently gonna show me how to go about the whole application process. like i don't have a clue!!!!

i pretty much know that there isn't much new stuff am gonna find out. and i feel bad that some good for nothing person thinks they can figure my life out, decide that i need to be helped to look for a job, give out my contacts and book me appointments for hints on how to get jobs. i just feel invaded and i wish i didn't have unsolicited help. i've always done my stuff on my own before and i've come through ok. i don't wanna get a job because so and so helped me and even worse, owe my success to somebody who feels they can figure me out. do i have a right to be angry?

of course you have rights to be angry, that guys behaviour is very patronising!!! On the other hand, maybe he wanted to be nice to you but it did not occur that it could be insulting to you because he doesnt know you very well. He just did what he though he or his friends would like to be done for them. Maybe it would help if you would let know him how you feel.....

thanks verdy. i've decided to limit my association and eventually cut him out of my life. i think that's its obvious that he crossed a line, especially with my contact details, and if he doesn't see it, then i'd rather not be associated with such a person.

i understand. It's highly insulting to have someone think they know how to run your life better than you...it's like having someone come into your house and start rearranging the furniture because they think they think its better their way - makes you want to kick em out!

I think you are being really unfair to this guy. He made the effort and took the time to ask contacts to try and get you some help. If someone did that for me, I would be really flattered, even if I didn't particularly want the help.

I don't see how he is trying to tell you what to do. He has found someone that obviously knows the area and can offer some sound advice.

It would be better to tell him that you don't want the help right now as you want to figure things out yourself but say you are grateful to know that the other person is there if you get stuck.

I think you would be making a big mistake in getting rid of this guy, he sounds like a good friend (unless of course he wants something from you and is sucking up).

Actually, I can understand why Jojo would be miffed. Sometimes this behaviour may be well-intented, but often it is more about making the "helper" feel good. I've experienced people making a huge noise about how helpful they are to others, but it can be intrusive.

yep, I was thinking that maybe he fancies jojo and is trying to get onto her good side....

Ooh, could be

H- the guy has no clue about my field. he isn't even from my field. he just knows someone working in my general field and he's concluded that they know more than i do about applications coz they got a job on completing their undergrad degree. as for further interests, he's definitely looking for more - which am not interested in.

juno - that's exactly what it is. i suppose he sees me as this helpless girl who he can help so that he spends the rest of his life saying/ thinking that i owe it to him.

Yes, he's trying to "obligate" you. Don't give him the opportunity.

i can totally see how the whole thing gets at you. he's not just trying to obligate you, but also patronizing, and putting your competence in question, in an area where he is in no position at all to judge.
i think one upsetting aspect of it might be that you have a specific image of yourself, which includes certain competencies, and then through such reactions you realize how differently, lacking in competencies, other people apparently perceive you. i find that very distressing when it happens to me, it makes me angry in a helpless, knot-in-the-tummy kind of way. but it helps me to understand why i'm so upset.
rest assured of your competence. this guy seems to like women he perceives as inferior, help-needing. and he doesn't even realize you are not that woman. you don't need to prove anything to him.

Maybe you should give him some unsolicited advice on people skills, or networking as he seems to have no idea

I was going to say it was good as a lot of jobs are got through networking, but if he is totally clueless that's different. He could have asked and given you an option if he was genuine.

Its funny that CC would mention networking and say this guy was bad at it... He has put jojo in contact with someone that may or may not help them in their field of interesting. Looks like hes facilitated the whole networking thing adequately, if Jojo can't see the positive aspects of this then thats a shame, it might be a good idea to go and talk to the person afterall. If you tell them what you already know they may be able to help you further or give you a different insight. It can be useful to get as many qualified opinions as possible on your approach to your career and your business relationships. It might be a question of whether you can spare the time to talk to this person, if you have their number what can it hurt to give them a call, you don't