Hi there everyone,
I think I need a bit of advice! I'm in my final year of PhD land, with 3 months of money left, i'm still running experiments in the lab and am really struggling to try and write up something at the same time! (and still have no papers out on my actual research as nothing is quite completed - I feel like i am really bad at the bench!!!)

The lab I work in is where I carried out my honours project, and I really like my supervisor and his wife (not as my boss's so much but socially they are fine!). The lab used to be pretty big, but when I came back afew years later after some time out there was really only me! So throughout my PhD i've had no post-docs ortech support in my area and have just muddled through with all the experiments kind of self teaching! Also, because its just me, and i have a seriously problem saying NO to stuff i've ended up doing so much other things as part of other smaller studies and I feel like my own project has suffered quite a bit for that! (we had a grant for my project to take on and do loads more stuff with post-docs etc, and my bosses have basically managed to get most of it done just by me! i'm shattered!!!!). I feel like because there's so much quantity of little things, the quality of the main stuff has suffered and I dont feel confident about my work, the results or anything! Like I said I really feel like I am not good at bench science, and I don't trust results or anything I do anymore. I have lost all confidence and basically just want to stay home all day and stare at the wall!
Anyway, i'm blabbering abit now sorry! My point is, this whole experience has really put me off working in science for the rest of my life. I know other labs may be different with more people, more money etc, however when I look at senior academics who spend long hours/weekends doing work and never getting any decent breaks I really dont think i want that for my life! I have recently applied for a job as a part time lecturer at a college, and my experience throughout my phD stands me in good stead (i'll let you know if i get an interview). Really though I dont know what I want to do anymore, but I really feel I can't quit at this late stage, and so many people are looking up to me to get the work finished, write a good dissertation (and family to be Dr!!! ). My partner asked me seriously the other night if i wanted to quit and really I do, but its just too late, I should have done it in first year.
Also, If i get my PhD and then decide to leave academia then my chances of getting a job are slim as i'll be TOO experienced for stuff, is that really the case, as I really see my future as a less stressful job with better hours and plenty of time for family and asocial life.
Apologies for the long post, I think I could go on forever I just have so much on my chest, and my partner is fed up of hearing about it!
Any advice or just support would be really appreciated,
Cheers, KT

Sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed. Here are my suggestions:
(1) Don't look back. I know it's difficult but you cannot go back and change things. You can't undo agreeing to little projects or not asking for more help, etc. So, just say that regrets once and for out loud, or write them down, and then draw a line under it. It's over. There's nothing to be gained by repeating those regrets ever again.
(2) Don't leave - you CAN do this. And don't rule out academia altogether. After this little nightmare is over you might find you have more good memories of what you've achieved during the PhD than bad. In any case, doing a PhD (especially with all the individual initiative and hard graft you've shown) prepares you for a whole host of careers besides academia. The corporate world and the public sector love skilled, intelligent people.
(3) Focus on now. You are going to be building on all that you have already achieved, so write a list of what that is. What have you done? What things are ticked off already?
(4) The scary bit: what is there remaining to do? Don't lose sight of what you have already done and get overwhelmed again. This is a bare minimum list. For example, find out the regulations about your thesis. How many words does it have to be? How many words (in whatever state they are in) do you have already? Ignoring all thoughts about making these good words, the bare minimum is you have to write is required length of thesis minus what you have already done = x thousand words.
(5) Now the scary bit is over! This is the positive bit where you identify how you are going achieve the things on that bare minimum list. Split the tasks into sections and write down the time and resources you think you will need for each bit of each task (be generous!)
(6) I would then, if possible, meet with your supervisor and discuss what you've come up with. Hopefully he can help you refine this work plan.
I know this is hard to face up to and you are certainly going need frequent breaks doing things you enjoy, and time with family and friends to help you on the way, but I really think you can do this. It isn't that you'd be letting people down if you left at this late stage, but that most of the work is behind you, whether it feels like that or not, and if you press on you will make it.
Lastly, the Joan Bolker book which everyone recommends on this site has a few stories like yours (including, I think, one where someone decides two weeks before completion that they just can't go on!). You are not alone.:-)

======= Date Modified 06 Jul 2009 14:50:49 =======
============= Edited by a Moderator =============
Dear KT

really agree with the last reply- you're nearly there, don't stop now! Take stock of what you need to do to get your doctorate (which is probably less than you think: make sure you ask your supervisor what is necessary to pass rather than strive for perfection) and make a plan, together with your supervisor.

I also agree that you need to look at your career options again once you've overcome these difficulties. Then, make sure you are informed of all the alternatives possible by talking to careers advisors. Did you know that less than half of all doctoral graduates stay in academia? You are dfinitely not too late to change direction! A doctorate is a valuable qualification in all sorts of walks of life.

most of all- good luck...

all the best,

Tennie

======= Date Modified 06 Jul 2009 15:02:00 =======
============= Edited by a Moderator =============
Hi Florence and TennieV, thank you both for your kind replies and support! I think the main thing I needed was just to get how I was feeling out (to people other than the usual who are bored of hearing it!! :) ). TennieV - you hit the nail on the head with the perfection thing - i'm have always been a complete perfectionist, and this phD is a big turning point in my life for this personal characteristic, i'm really learning that sometimes I have to just say enough is enough!
Thanks for your suggestions Florence, I think what sometimes scares me is that I do have lists and plans, but non of them have really stuck to target and thats really soul destroying, but maybe I should take them all off the walls and write new and encouraging ones - I had thought having them around would push me to work harder and get everything done, but I think it actually does the opposite!
I have actually just completed a tutor training course and am hoping to get on a grad school next year! i have spent the last year doing extra things such as vitae and public outreach and hope to get into a more communication or lecturer role like I mentioned, and therefore like you say, I just need to get a the phD, not write a mind blowing piece of work!

Its also finding the motivation at this point! Its very annoying as in all past endeavors I see the end line and speed up my pace, and you'd think for something like a phD i'd be working hard for the end, (especially wtih the end of my money approaching), however like i said I just dont want to anymore, I just want to stay home and do nothing, but then if I do i end up feeling guilty so I come into work and plod along getting some stuff done, but not as much as I could!!
I think I also need a holiday, it would probably do me the world of good! Luckily we're going away at beginning of August for week or so, so just need to concentrate on getting some work finished before then and I can relax and enjoy it!!
:-) So hopefully that will give me the energy to hit the finish line!!

Thank you again for taking the time to reply,
KT
:-)

Hi there,

I'm in a different field (social science) but I recognise much of what you are saying. I also had very little support - I'm a member of staff at my university which has been a large part of the problem. Fortunately I'm in the minor corrections stage and basically I just need to proof read my thesis again. So you'd think I'd just get on and do it but no! I felt like quitting right up until about a week ago. I decided to take a week off and it was well worth it. I feel so much better although I'm still struggling with the final hurdle. However, I'll get there and so will you. You're so close now. I know how hard it is to believe that you'll ever finish but you will and it will be worth it. I haven't published from my PhD and am unlikely to because for various reasons my research didn't work out as planned. But I have a long list of areas I want to investigate and I figure that since I'm never going to be a top flight academic it really doesn't matter. Life is to short to worry about it.

I've been teaching full time for the last 7 years and although it's been difficult to do that and the PhD it is very rewarding. You may find that a mix of teaching and research will work for you too.

Good luck and enjoy your holiday
(up)

Thanks SarahK, Congratulations on almost making the final hurdle, i'm sure you'll get there soon and what an achievement! Especially while doing teaching at the same time!
I am really looking forward to the holiday, but alot to do before I go! I just feel so tired at the moment, i'm not sleeping, although i've always been abit of an insomniac, its just extra hard to deal with when I need to be on the ball every minute of the day to get anywhere! I have actually written quite abit in retrospect (when I look at some other students in our division), not major results and discussion, but the litreview is almost there and intros started with 80% of the materials and methods, so it could be alot worse I guess! Its really weird but when people ask me i'm like, yeah I can see the end now so just the final hurdle, but even though I see it, it feels like a mountain i'm never going to reach the top of, even tho its so close, I cant ever imagine finishing! But I will, just gotta take each day at a time and try not to stress about it cos its not doing my health any good!
Anyway, i'm rambling again :), Thank you for all your support and listening and encouraging me, its a big help!
Good luck with your last steps, time to chill out and enjoy soon!
:-)
KT

I am overwhelmed as well. Lucky for you guys in your final stage. I am just in the middle of my way and feel like graduation is hopeless. My supervisor always tell me I am falling back of my schedule. He's always busy with his own meetings, talks ..., but only has little time for looking at my project. Every time he meet me he will tell me I am late, I am late... I am all alone in my lab, other people just like working from home. I feel so overwhelmed and depressed every day.

Hi Floral, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling too! Supervisors sometimes seem to have a problem with being encouraging rather than discouraging! I think sometimes they think it should push you but in reality it just makes it ten times harder. Also I find in science alot of superiors have a problem with actually just saying well done occasionally, and in an area of work where 90% of the time things go wrong and its a matter of perseverance it should be the other way around!

Have you had a holiday recently? I know it can be really difficult to detach and take some time out, and often there's a stigma that phD students should work their noses to the bone and not take time off. If its been a while and you're feeling lost and demotivated, take a week off and put all your work away so you cant see it and find activities that let your mind rest from it!!

I know how it feels to be completely alone in the lab, it can make it very difficult to stay motivated and keep going, and also for support when you need it over experiments etc. unfortunately I don't think i have any words of wisdom over this except if you're at the half way point and still love your research (even if not running to plan), then keep going you will get your rewards!
My schedule has never run to plan, I still haven't taken them all down however things I started in May/June should have started in February and right now i should be writing, but I still have two months (probably more) of lab work to do! This is just science, and especially when there is little support, but you will get there. Just remember that the achievement of doing this by yourself without the support is much greater than completing the phD in a lab with constant help and support, it will make you a more independant researcher in the end.

Have you tried speaking to your supervisor about how you feel? sometimes they seem totally unapproachable. However about a year ago I felt completely depressed and I actually went and spoke to my boss and he was very understanding, told me that he'd struggled sometimes too and he gave me a week off to take my mind off things! however funny they can be, they have been were you are now and probably will be more sympathetic than you think. And at least then he will know how you're feeling, if you don't tell them they don't know any different!

Take care and I hope you feel better soon, venting on here is also good!! :)

KT

There's nothing better than to get together with other people in the same boat as you and having a good moan.
When you realise that it's not just you, you feel a whole lot better.

Do you have a post-grad support group at your uni ?
If not, have you thought about starting one.
I bet there would be lots of takers.

Thanks AberdeenAngus! It really is true, even though nothing has really changed coming on here actually helps! I have read posts on here before but never actually put one up myself, and it does make a difference, just to have some new points of view and support!
A postgrad support group is a great idea, we dont have one, but if I get kept on for a postdoc i might see if I can get one set up, I think it would probably go down really well!!
Cheers KT