I'm struggling to write my PhD thesis. I'm procrastinating, getting stressed out, and taking sleeping pills so I can black out and forget the fear and panic. Lately I'm not very productive most days, and I keep thinking that no employer would stand for such a low work output, the only reason I get away with it is because I'm a student.

I'm really worried about whether I could handle a full time job, given that I can't even write my thesis, let alone do a proper job. This is creating intense stress, because I'm really worried about the rest of my life - I'm quite obviously some sort of lazy retard who is incapable of knuckling down to work, and if I can't write my thesis how on earth will I handle a job?

I feel like my whole life is pointless - writing the thesis is pointless, because I clearly won't be able to get a job afterwards. I mean, who am I kidding? I'm incapable of even writing something, let alone working for a living.

First of all, do the sleeping pills make you drowsy during the day? I take sedatives for pain to sleep at night and I can definitely say that I don't often get work done until after lunch because i'm so drowsy - and then I eat a big lunch and feel sleepy afterwards too. So maybe the first step is cutting down on those i.e. only take half a pill for a while and then a quarter, until you don't rely on them in order to switch off.

Secondly, we ALL go through periods like this, I think my whole 1st year felt like this. The only advice I can give, is start by doing 15 mins work. If you want to stop after 15 mins, then fine, if you want to carry on, then that's great.

Try and use a tool like mytomatoes to focus you on work for a set period. Use rewards for getting work done. And make sure you have a list of things that need to get done. All to often I spend days not doing anything, because actually I don't have a clear idea WHAT I need to get done anyway!

lasty. come over to the one goal thread and commit yourself to one thing per day.

I'm so stressed out, when I wake up in the morning and the panic sets in I don't want to stay awake. So I pop another sleeping pill to black myself out again, because when I'm asleep it's like an escape. I can easily stay in bed all day and all night; it's an avoidance tactic. Even when I am awake, I can't seem to get anything done. I'm panicky and stressed the whole time, and the more unproductive I am, the more stressed I become.

I realise that I need to actually get out of bed in the morning, stop taking pills to black me out all day, and get some work done. I just can't deal with this panic and nausea and stress. I need to set myself some small goals and get things moving, and I will come over to the goal thread as you suggested :)

sounds like you are in a vicious cycle of anxiety and depression. I went into this in my first year. I would advise going to see your doctor about it. You shouldn't be so anxious that you take sleeping pills. Your GP will be able to give you better advice about this.

Hey Mlis. Aww, sounds like you're feeling pretty rubbish. I agree with sneaks, I think you should really see someone about how you feel, because taking sleeping pills to escape the day sounds like you need a bit of help! I am on lots of sedating medication for bipolar disorder, and that really affects how I am in the morning, so it's something that needs working around and takes a bit of planning. Can you go see your doc and see if they can help you in any way? And a trip to the uni counselling service might help as well- the counselling service at our uni is a godsend and I wouldn't have made it through my BSc without them, let along my MSc and PhD! You're no lazy retard, you're having a bad patch and you will get through it, and you will get a job. But for now you need to concentrate on trying to feel better, and when you feel better you will be able to get back to your work and feel better about yourself. But you need to get some help and support first- please don't struggle with this on your own. Big hugs, KB

Hi, I just wanted to add something from the point of view of a person with a job, that academic work is nothing like employment, so I really think you shouldn't worry about that. I don't know if by 'job' you mean academia as a career, in which case ignore my input, but if not, then you really don't need to compare the two.

I think writing a thesis, because its a very personal thing and you know it all relies on you, is very different to working for someone else, where you can be more detatched and relaxed about what you have to do, and more likely to be given targets and specific things to work on. If you find the right kind of job that you feel engaged with, you won't have any problems being productive, and employers don't expect you to be 'go go go' all the time (unless you become an investment banker or something :p)

I have loads of 'lazy retard' moments at work, as do most people - you just feel it more when you're thesis writing because you only have yourself to answer to, but it doesn't mean you won't be great at whatever job you end up doing! I think academically minded people are probably much harder on themselves than most, because they've been trained to be such hard workers. Luckily, the 'real world' is pretty forgiving :)

Oh Mlis, this could have been written by me! Seriously, every damn word, and "duvet therapy" is just too easy and tempting when things are horrible in your head. Try not to beat yourself up with worries about the future or judgements of yourself, right now you'll be looking at all this through a very dark and scary filter - it's not a true representation of anything and when you're feeling better you'll see it very differently.

You're not lazy or retarded, or incapable of working, but you are painfully anxious and that's really affecting you. The worry and the negative feelings about yourself just make it even more difficult and overwhelming (who wants to attempt a task they believe themself incapable of?). Please do consider going to your doctor, and also finding counselling support. It's not a magic wand but just venting and feeling that someone's on your side and will help you is reassuring, and if you're open to medication or therapy, even better.

I'm working through it all now myself. If nothing else a morning therapy appointment gets me out of bed and out into the world. I find the lack of structure and accountability involved in thesis writing is pretty toxic after a while. I also know that, while I find going into the office a terrifying thought, it's actually so much better for me to be there, around other people who keep me out of my head and out of my bed. Do you have the option to work in uni or are you always home alone?

I do not how you have reached a conclusion that 'writing this thesis would be a waste of time'. If you do not want something then it is very difficult to even start working on it. I had a part time job recently working at my university shredding 1000s of thesis after scanning and preparing delivery for a recycling company. So In my experience writing thesis and shredding it were two completely different jobs.

Hi Mlis,

I can relate :-( I have also had countless times feeling like how you felt in the past few years (the cycle of worry about thesis - worry about future work prospects - feel demotivated - procrastinate - cycle repeats). However relying on sleeping pills does sound worrying! I would agree with the others and suggest you seek some professional help - GP/counsellor.

I agree with others that a job would be quite different to writing your own PhD thesis. For a start there will be more rigid working hours, and you will be given specific tasks to do, and have somebody to account to. Also there's no real reason to assume your current work ethic would transfer onto your future jobs. You will probably have different motivations, in a different environment and have different tasks.

As for the knuckling down to work bit, I agree with others that setting small tasks and using tools like mytomatoes might help. Also do you think you may need a break? A real break - getting away from the desk and the thesis. I also find that reminding myself why I decided to do a PhD helps with my motivation - I realise this every time I go to a conference, also when I read some interesting papers/books, and also recently when I re-read my own PhD studentship application (which I "accidentally" came across while filing).

Also - don't forget to forgive yourself. Research shows that self-forgiveness is a good antidote to procrastination. http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2010/05/cure-for-procrastination-forgive.html

Good luck!

Yes, I am painfully anxious about my PhD. I have been suffering from clinical depression and have already been absent from university for 12 months; I only just came back, and time is short, so I can't ask for any extra time off. I already saw a counsellor, but she said that talking about my depression was counter-productive, and I needed to just put it behind me and get on with my work. Then at every counselling session she nagged me about whether I'd done any work, and wanted me to show her what I'd done... it was worse than seeing my supervisor, so I quit going to counselling sessions because being pressured about my work was just making me worse.

As I am in "writing up" mode, I'm working from home - travelling to the office is just a waste of money and time because nobody will be there anyway, there are only a couple of other students and they tend to work from home. This means that I'm completely isolated, which doesn't help at all; the isolation partly caused my depression, so I've started doing some sports activities just to get me out of the house and see people.

I will look into using mytomatoes - it might help - and maybe I could arrange a short break over the summer so I have something to look forward to :-)