Hi everyone,

I could really use some advice. I've been struggling with depression for years now and since starting my PhD I made the decision to get help from my GP so that I could focus on my studies.

I was put on Citalopram but reacted badly to it. Very badly, there's been some significant problems, meaning that I've recently asked my GP to come off them.

My supervisor has caught on to my problems and asked me what's been wrong and I told him everything. Last week, there was an incident where I fainted in my room at halls and I informed my supervisor.

Now my supervisor is suggesting that I take an 'interruption of studies' where I leave the program for x months until i'm better (proved with a medical certificate). This period can be anything from a few months to a year.

I really do not want to leave my studies, I'm so much happier here. But my supervisor says that it may not be up to me, and I may have to take leave whether I like it or not and claims it is in my best interest. Although I don't disagree with that statement, leaving the course for however long will have serious implications. I may lose my stipend, my room in halls, my access to the university facilities, my friends and will fall seriously behind.

I can't afford to leave...Does anyone have any advice, or has gone through something similar, or has had to take leave due to health reasons.

Please help, Thank you.

If you are that unwell then taking a leave of absence is absolutely the right thing to do. You need to focus on getting better, and that is typically going to take a lot of time and energy. You need to accept that your brain is fighting you right now and that you are not thinking clearly. This affects the work you are doing on your PhD, and your ability to make this decision.

I took 9 months leave of absence from my PhD at the start of my Continuation (i.e. writing up) year because I went through a breakdown. If I had taken it earlier, my funding would have been stopped (not lost) while I was absent. I continued working for about a year while I was very ill before I realised I couldn't go on like that.

That break was the best thing I could ever have done. In fact, I wish I had taken it sooner. I spent the 9 months working part time while spending the rest of my time sleeping and recovering from what was a pretty severe mental breakdown.

At the time, I had been working consistently on my PhD despite being ill. But, I spent hours of every day redoing my work because I was convinced that everything I did was rubbish. After a 9 month break to get better, I could see that the work I had done wasn't rubbish.. it was fine.

I was so ill at the time, I could not see that I wasn't making progress, despite working crazy hours.

In fact, my depression meant that I wasn't able to see the connections between concepts in my work. So, even though I was working, I wasn't working as intelligently as I did after the break.

Coming back to the PhD was really hard. But, the break has meant that I will finish my PhD. If I hadn't had the break, at best I wouldn't have submitted. The worst doesn't even bear thinking about.

Also, I had a similar experience with citalopram. But, for me increasing the dose actually made the difference for me. I now take 60mg every day.

Medication works differently for everyone though.

The main side effect I have with this dose is that I have awful insomnia which is a bit of a problem given I am now working full time as an academic which finishing my PhD part time. But, never mind.

I tried mixing it up at one point, where I would take some citalopram in the AM and something different at night (the side effect of which was drowsiness). And while I was sleeping properly.. I became nasty! I remember being out with some friends and within 5 minutes of meeting up I'd told 1 guy that I hated him and another that he was a pretentious c***. So I left and went home and shouted at my cat because she wanted a cuddle.

This was the point I realised that sleeping well wasn't worth being on that particular combination of drugs!

My point, is that it can take a while to find the right medication and combination of medications. Once I found the right combo I felt like I deserved some extra help so started talking therapy as well. Before that, I hadn't felt like I deserved talking therapy so refused to try it.

Frankly, you need time and space to figure out the right course of treatment for you. And the PhD is not going to be enough of a low-pressure environment for you to take that time and space.

I took a leave of absence when I was just entering my final year due to illness (2 months). I really did not want to initially, fearing that I would fall behind despite my supervisor reassuring me that it was best to get better then come back to the thesis at full strength. I actually began by taking a few weeks off as 'annual leave' but realised that a leave of absence was the best thing to do. I had my funding stopped temporarily then this will be added on to the end to cover an extension.

I am really glad that I took that time. I did come back to my research with much more energy and focus after despite initially worrying that I may not be able to get back 'in the zone'.

It sounds as though a leave of absence could really benefit you. There is also nothing to prevent you working on your thesis during leave of absence (from home) if you have the occasional day where you feel up to it.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your advice.

I had a meeting today regarding a potential suspension but they've decided that they're happy to let me progress with the PhD, only on condition that I continue to use the student support services and visit my GP.

I initially felt relief but now I feel like a complete failure. I want to do the PhD so badly, but they used phrases today like 'You clearly can't cope' and my self esteem has hit the floor. I started taking the meds as I began my PhD so I've been having problems right at the beginning, so believe that my poor performance is normal for me. That's not true at all, I'm an incredibly hard worker and it breaks my heart to think that I've done nothing but disappoint when I've been trying to get better. I regret going on medication.

My performance this week has been much better and my routine is going back to normal. I just can't shake the feeling that I've ruined my relationship with my supervisors.