I'm facing multiple life issues; pondering the continuation of my PhD is a major part of that.

To give brief background, I have never intended to stay in academia as long as I did. After completing my BSc I thought I'd be off to the industry, working some dream job in the valley. It turned out that I was too scared to actually apply for anything, and I soon realized that the odds weren't exactly stacked in my favor. So, I thought to myself, continue doing a MSc and specialize on a narrow field. I struggeled tremendously with my master's thesis, loosing faith in myself.
Either way, by the time I finished my master's degree, my plans had changed. I was in a great relationship and convinced myself that I will probably be happier just staying where I am instead of giving it all up for a career and moving away.
At some point a really good PhD position had opened. The position is a very well paid, with secure funding for 3+ years, and lots of academic freedom.

However, I never really got into the work mode of a PhD student. I started out doing regular 9-to-5 like everyone else, but soon even that declined to less hours. I was extremely unhappy with being back at university, in a dirty office working mostly by myself. Worse, nothing creative has come to me. I always thought, if only I have a full-time position in which I can do anything I want, something *must* come out of it.

Also, whenever I read other PhD's talk about their work, it doesn't resonate with me at all. Things like constantly thinking about your research, and thinking "I should be writing! I should be writing!". Late nights in the office, races against deadlines. That all wasn't me. I somehow adapted to getting by with the minimum amount of work required. As a result, I have spent nearly a year without a publication. My life became totally empty and dissatisfying.

[Continued...]

Also, whenever I read other PhD's talk about their work, it doesn't resonate with me at all. Things like constantly thinking about your research, and thinking "I should be writing! I should be writing!". Late nights in the office, races against deadlines. That all wasn't me. I somehow adapted to getting by with the minimum amount of work required. As a result, I have spent nearly a year without a publication. My life became totally empty and dissatisfying.
As a result, even my relationship ended. My girlfriend warned me multiple times that she could not stand my constant lamentation any longer. Two weeks ago, out of the blue, she broke up with me. I should have seen the warning signs months ago, but I didn't.
The very reason I sacrificed all my plans of the future is now gone. I'm in a city I wanted to leave years ago, doing work which I don't enjoy.
I always believed that I love my work, that I have an innate passion for what I do. It would have made perfect sense to go for a PhD, do something new out of my own volition. But that did not happen while I was in a happy relationship (at least it was happy for me), so why should anything change now?

[Continued..]

The problem, I think, is this: I was unhappy, because I did not measure up to my own standards of success. My ultimate goal is still to get into a high-qualified job in the industry, in which my creativity can thrive. With my current qualification, that does not seem to be possible. Thus, getting a PhD is a means to an end. I DO NOT want to stay in academia any longer after my PhD.

Do you think this motivation will suffice to push through? Is there any chance that things will now change?
Maybe a happy relationship makes you too comfortable to pursue a PhD? It truly felt like I had 'settled down'. This city is where I would be staying for the rest of my life, and family plans were just around the corner. I imagine that this concept does not suit PhD studies.

I'm scared that a job in the industry will be no less frustrating. My worst fear is that all my passion for my field is just an illusion I've built for myself - and in reality I'm just too lazy to do hard work.

If you are determined to do the PhD then you will. Otherwise, probably not. It sounds like you need to decide whether you want to, and then see about what you can do to get you motivated again.

Thanks for your input. As I have more or less poured my heart into this post, such a short reply feels somewhat unsatisfying though. Hence the push.

Let me make the question a little more concrete: Assume
1. You want to HAVE a PhD at some point. Most likely the PhD will improve your quality of life as well.
2. You know that while you're doing your PhD you'll go through immense suffering. You'll spend many years having low self-esteem and feel like you are 'postponing' your life to a later stage.
Would you still do it?

Hi,

I want to say first that your response to Tudor seems a bit unfair, they did respond to you!

On to your question... it was this that really stood out to me...

'My worst fear is that all my passion for my field is just an illusion I've built for myself - and in reality I'm just too lazy to do hard work'

In order to be successful at anything you need to have passion of course, nobody can tell you if it's an illusion you have built for yourself, only you know that. It seems, and I apologise if I am wrong about this, you seem to set very high standards for yourself and really really beat yourself up when you don't meet them. My concern for you is that a PhD in any field really is very much a series of ups and downs and the trick is endurance. Its being able to go into the office/lab and still try to remain enthusiastic about what you do when things are going badly, data not coming out/data not showing what you expected/papers rejected and so on. From how you come across in your postings I am not sure if this is what would suit you. Of course I could be totally wrong about it also!

Remember of course that just because you struggled with your masters doesn't mean the same thing would happen with a PhD. Something I would suggest is can you talk with other people doing a PhD with the same supervisor/same group? Sometimes doing that can show you a lot about what the working environment is like, is it a group where everyone works together? regular meetings? or is it a more individual style of working and then think about whether that's something that could work for you.

Apologies. My response was short because I wasn't sure what you were asking. Actually, I thought some of your questions were rhetorical. So I tried to get to the heart of the matter: what do you want. If you want it and will put in the hard work, then chances are you will get it. But if you don't really want it, and/or will not put in the hard work, chances are you won't - so perhaps choose something else to do.

I think Tudor is right on the mark here. In a lot of ways you seem to be answering your own questions. I think you need to really think long and hard about it

You said you want to use a PhD as a means to an end to a job which would fulfil your 'creativity'. That concerns me because a PhD guarantees nothing. Are there jobs out there that you want to do? ...

Do the jobs you want need PhDs? PhDs won't fulfil your yearning for creative anything - once the novelty wares off it's three years of essentially boredom and loneliness (intellectually at least). You need to ...

Work out what you want to do with your life, and not see a PhD as a magic bullet that will solve everything including your relationship problems. I think maybe a holiday would help you.