A while back I wrote about my frustrations with the project I'm in, in particular the inconsistency with what the team wants me to do. The situation hasn't gotten any better, and I've ended up in therapy for severe depression and suicidal intentions as a result (but doing okay so far).

I'm just having a really bad day today. A literature review paper I wrote two years ago is STILL being drafted and redrafted again and again, a simple lit review paper, and I got it back today from a team member wanting me to redo the whole thing again, because they've changed their mind about the direction yet again.

Another frustration is the lack of publications coming from the project, my team members all want to take heaps of time which is good and I agree with that approach, but it severely disadvantages me career wise, so of course, I'm publishing other stuff from other projects to ensure I'll be competitive enough when my contract finishes next year and I'll be out of a job. But, my team doesn't like this, thinks it's a distraction. And look I agree, it absolutely is. But I can't finish next year with no publications because they like to take their time with the data and keep changing their mind about how they want to analyses the data. They all have perm/tenured positions, I do not, and need to remain competitive. That means applying for little grants, publishing, collaborating, doing media, doing service, doing teaching/guest lecturing etc.

Then there's this massive sense of distrust. I can't present any of our stuff at any conferences because I think they are worried about someone getting to our ideas before us, and the one conference they did let me present at, I was pretty much thrown to the wolves because it was completely the wrong crowd for our research field.

Basically, I'm just pulling my hair out of frustration, feeling like I'm not getting anywhere with this project, and half tempted to thrown in the towel.

I won't throw in the towel and I will keep going as best as I can.

Just need to rant and vent.

Hi awsoci, glad you are doing ok and having therapy. A rant is needed at times! Keep persevering...

Re teaching - have you done any? It is just that from what I have heard, you only need to have done a bit and then you've got that under your belt (on your CV) - no need to keep doing it (unless you have time and enjoy it).

The whole atmosphere of distrust sounds horrible... :/

Hi Tudor_Queen,

Thank you :) Yes I've done heaps of teaching, including unit coordination, lecturing, tutoring, chief examination and curriculum/unit development. I took this role because I didn't have enough research experience, which this role gives me. So hopefully I'll be well-set up for when I leave. I was an Assistant Lecturer where I was previously (post-PhD, 1 year contract) and managed two units, but took this particular role to get my research up.

It's just a bit mental I think where I am at the moment and was feeling pretty horrible on Friday, definitely a whole career existential crisis kind of deal. I think what made it worse was the one colleague who sent through the ripped up paper treated me a bit like I was an undergraduate student, 'I want you to go through each piece of feedback and respond' which is helpful, but wow I was taken aback about how I was treated. I've collaborated on papers before, I've got four that were published in the last two years and those went really well, everyone on equal footing etc.

The colleague sent a second email to another team member, but accidentally sent it to me. It wasn't particularly nasty but it was clear the email wasn't meant for me/wasn't meant to be read by me, and the team member tried to cover it up by apologising.

Just going to keep on pushing through.

Thank you :)