Hi,

I've just started a PhD and even 1 week into it am worried that I've done the wrong thing. I absolutely loved my UG degree, and so taking a PhD position seemed like a logical step, as researching/lecturing appealed to me as a career. I approached my supervisor as I enjoyed the general field his work is in, and was co-supervised by him in my final year project (which my PhD doesn't follow on from). I was worried about applying before, as some of my friends knew for certain that they only cared about one field, but I liked everything on my UG.
However, since starting, I have worried everyday. I felt like the whole process went so fast last year, and I didn't really sit down and thoroughly think about precisely what I'm doing. Now that I'm here, I feel like I've only just caught up and realised that perhaps I'd rather be doing something else within this field, it's more like a 'what if' feeling for every other topic going! Everyone has said that PhD's are hard, and only do it if you love it... That's the problem for me, I know I like the field my research would be in, but I don't honestly think I could say I love it, and now the thought of 3 years terrifies me, and the thought of persuing research after also scares the hell out of me. Basically does this sound like beginner nerves? As character flaws go, I suffer from low self confidence related to my abilities, and am really critical of myself. I thought that a PhD would build up my confidence in myself, - has anyone pursued a PhD that they genuinely didn't think they absolutely loved for the experience of personal development? And are there any other students who are thinking 'what have I let myself in for' so much it's the only thing they can think about??

Personally I hate my subject area - but I have come to be interested in it - mainly because I know more than most on the subject. I did the PhD because there were no jobs in my field at the time - I like having my own schedule and needed some money! I don't think it makes me any better or worse than any PhD student that loves their subject - just different. It really depends on how you see the PhD - is it going to be a 'journey' that you take and develop yourself emotionally blah blah, or is it going to be a 3 year contract where you work on a big project?

Also - PhDs never turn out like the original proposal - so if you wanted to change areas it is probably doable - but you can't flip flop too much, otherwise you will waste a lot of time.

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Hi Stresshead,







I think many people go through a stage of thinking 'am I doing the right thing?' quite early on - a PhD is a big, scary reality to face! I know I went through a wobble, both about the massive commitments a PhD and academic are, and about my chosen topic - I loved the topic, but lacked confidence in my choice, ad my ability to keep up. So it could just be a wobble, and I suspect only time will tell.







As for self esteem and the PhD process: in my experience, it's helped me, because I am achieving and breaking new ground with something a care about, but it has been challenging; I think problems with self esteem often get much worse during the process, but then people, including me, seem to some out of the self doubt phase, and are stronger than before, with a solid sense of confidence (in the academic world at least). I've been carrying out major work on myself alongside the PhD too - several courses of therapy for that, and my sense of myself has completely changed in the last year or two - the PhD and the therapy seemed to work in tandem.  It's been very, very tough though!

Hi tehre

first: doubtless, there will be some advice to quit, soon now, in response to your post. You may feel inclined to take it.

Second: my 2 p is that only you can decide, and sometimes are knee jerk decisions are wrong. Sometimes they are right, however, what's worked for someone may not work for you. I would say give it more time, these may be teething troubles.

For those who will tell you to quit imemdiately, if I were you, I would wait.

Hi Stesshead,

I wouldn't worry too much yet. I'm in a similar position as you, I loved my undergraduate degree and masters and applying for a PhD seemed like a natural progression. I applied for a ready set up funded project, so it wasn't a subject I was particularly passionate about already, but it was in a field that I was interested in. I still look at other projects that are available and wonder if that one would have suited me better or I would have enjoyed it more etc. It does sound like you have beginner nerves, but they're probably feelings that you may well have all the way through the PhD. I'm hoping that my sheer determination will be enough to see me through. I have wanted to do a PhD for so long, and i really don't want to quit. I want to show myself and everybody else that I can do it. As for you saying that you're not even sure you want a career in research anymore, same here! I can't see myself doing this forever, but again I don't think that matters either.
What I think I'm trying to say is that if you really want it you can do it. Maybe that's what's important, how much you actually want it. You might feel out of your depth at the moment, but once you get into it you won't any longer.
I would definately give it more time though. It does get better (although it does get worse at times too, but I suppose that's all part of the fun!)
Good luck with your decision.

Hi Stresshead,

I'd give it a go and see how things develop. However it is ultimately your decision so please don't think you have to do things in a certain way because other have. What works for other may not work for you.

I am about to start my PhD (next week) and although there are nerves, I am really looking forward to it. I don't know that much about my subject as my UG degree has nothing whatsoever to do with it (it's science based and I have the technical skills rather than full blown knowledge). I decided to do a PhD after my graduate employer threatened us all with redundancy. I later found out my job was safe and there were times when I thought I had jumped the gun a bit by leaving my job. I am now in the mind that I'd rather regret something I had tried than spend the rest of my life wondering what if. 3 years is a very long time but I remember saying that 4 years was a life time away when I started my UG degree - and boy did those 4 years fly by.

I know my post isn't really advice but just wanted to let you know that there are others out there who have doubted their decisions at some point in their lives.

Good luck with everything though :-)

Michelle

Hi Stresshead,

Ok, this is normal - some go into this with all guns blazing and so excited, some suddenly go whoa!!!!! lol - I was the latter too! I loved my UG, loved my masters, was raring to go with the PhD and then suddenly had cold feet - it is different, very different - but its good and its great to be challenged. Ok, so how you view it is what is going to make the difference here.

Firstly - self confidence - lol, sorry, shouldn't laugh but I sooooo hear you. If you could speak to my supervisor he would tell you that he could quite happily batter me around the head with a heavy book half the time ;-) Self confidence is my biggest biggest failing - heck, he even wrote it in the report on my MA dissertation. He had, for a long while, signed off all mails to me with 'don't panic *******' (my real name) lol - he's always on and on at me to have confidence, to believe I can do this, to accept that I'm 'worthy' of this, etc etc etc and will I listen?? Will I heck! The amount of times I sit in his office saying varying degrees of arggghhhhhh ;-) Its ok, its quite normal, but you do have to try and believe in yourself. I'm mega critical, ridiculously so, but gradually gradually I'm coming to understand that maybe I'm not an imposter, and maybe they won't find out that I'm actually as thick as the proverbial swine droppings, and yes, I've earned my place, and no, maybe a first class degree and a masters with distinction don't class as flukes ;-) You have been accepted, you've been offered this chance THEY see the potential in YOU, even if you can't see it yourself :-)

Secondly - the what ifs - lol, I think many of us have that :-) I listen to masters students discussing their proposals and think ooohhhh, and look at other PhDs and wonder why the heck I didn't do that - but I'M the expert in my thing, they are the expert in theirs' (my supervisor speaking again ;-) ) and its ok. For now, for these 3 or 4 years, this is my thing, my project, my work, and although the grass inevitably looks greener and far more inviting, it isn't.

'What have I let myself in for?' Ooooh yes! of course, its natural - how else would you think? I could quite easily have dropped out numerous times so far lol - its a BIG thing - BUT you have to decide how you're gonna view this. Is this going to be a labour of love or a job? There are times in my experience when it has to be both - sometimes I'm so fired up that I love it and can't think of doing anything else - other times I feel that I really couldn't care less about my topic anymore and if I see another example of my primary source I'm gong to burn it! BUT at times like that I just have to view it as a job, its gotta be done or I've wasted an awful lot of time and emotional mayhem - and it WILL be worth it. Reading posts like Lara's where you can see the sheer elation at having got to the other end keep you going and especially when you've been here a bit and seen these people who have made it going through hell! To see the end result makes it so worthwhile.

So you may never be a researcher (although you may be - things change) but IF you decide to stick it out, even give it a good go so you can say with certainty that you've given it your best and it wasn't for you as some do, then you'll have learnt so much - both in your subject area and in general organisation/work planning/writing technique/etc etc etc etc, developed so much as a person, and you have something that nobody can ever take from you.

Starshine and Sneaks, what years are you both in? It just seems ridiculous to be thinking about quitting in the first month, like a waste of time on behalf of my supervisor and the funding body, but I really just feel doubtful of my decision. Although saying that I keep looking at jobs/alternate paths and again nothing appeals, at least I know I did love science during my UG. I think part of the reason is that I've moved away from my partner and friends, and so in my mind I keep thinking 'was this really good enough to move away from them', although I looked for PhD positions to stay there and none looked that good. Is there anyone else who is torn between continuing their PhD or just moving back to be with friends/family/partners?

I am just starting my 3rd year. I would think very carefully. A friend of mine gave up a PhD opportunity recently and then regretted it and can't find any other funding opportunities. But then again if it really isn't for you its best to get out early!

Again, it really does depend on what you want from the PhD. If you just considerd it a job, then you wouldn't probably be so worried.

Again, you are feeling sad for a set of reasons entirely different from the PhD. do consider that... HAd you friends partner and family lived within a mile of this uni at which you are doing the PhD would you feel this bad? Alternatively if you had a job, not a pHd by any chance, and everyone still been far away, would you have been dancing with glee? :-)

No. So, my point is, you are facing many new things at once and are automatically abscribing reasons, b'cos this decision was why you had to leave your family hence the decision must be wrong! But no, they are different issues arent they?


To answer your question, I left home and my city at 19, country/continent at 22 and hav only adored my space and distance from everyone else for that's the kind of person I am! So you may be different, but all I am saying is, think WHY you are sad, and the answer is not going to lead to the Phd I think!

Im in my first year, 9 months in!
Having moved away from your partner/friends/family AND starting what's probably going to be a stressful, if not extremely fulfilling 3-4 years, obviously you're going to wonder if you're doing the right thing. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't! But give it a chance at least.
You might hate it and quit but at least you know you tried. If you quit now, before you've even started, will you always wonder what if?
I struggle with confidence as well, always doubting myself, constantly thinking I'll fail and mess everything up. I don't think I'll EVER not feel like that, I really don't. But you just get on with things, things do work (occasionally!) and you do get decent results (again, occasionally!) and your self confidence rockets. But then things go wrong and don't work quite alot, but those few highs are worth the frequent lows, absolutely.

How far away are you from your family/partner Stresshead? Can you visit at weekends?

I'm kinda being pathetic with missing friends and my partner, seeing as we're both in the same country and can visit at weekends. From that aspect it's more the feeling that seeing as I've made this daunting commitment and moved away, I should be feeling like it's the best thing in the world.... Which I don't, it's something I find fairly interesting, but it's not like I'm working with an organism I really love. Although to be honest I couldn't specifically say what would be a better choice. Initially I just wanted to know if people do continue with and grow to enjoy their PhD's even if from the outset they can't shake off the feeling they could have made a better decision?

Absolutely! I constantly think a 9-5 stress-free job would be way better and easier than this. (Funnily enough my friends think I'm the lucky one, working my own hours, setting my own timetable etc!)
I'm only 9 months and I'm continuing (at the moment!!!!) despite constant major reservations in my mind about doing this. I recon people on here in their 2nd and 3rd years, and even those writing up still have huge doubts.
It's probably all just a confidence thing. You've been chosen for your project for a specific reason, your supervisor saw potential.

Hey stresshead
It sounds as if a lot of this is coming from your self-proclaimed tendency to be hard on yourself!
Finishing undergrad uni can be quite a big transition, and moving away from that well-worn support network of friends and department takes adjustment. You've said that you feel very daunted - I'm not surprised! At the start of your PhD it can be terrifying to realise how little you know, how much of a committment you've made, it's like starting a new job times ten.... eek! And if you're someone who tends to worry or doubt yourself (never fear, there are plenty of us on here) I think it can be rather overwhelming. Now your doubts may stem from the genuine intuition that you've taken the wrong path, but at this stage I'd say it sounds more like nerves.

Do I love my subject -yes and no. No matter how much you "love" a topic, there's a lot of daily grind that seems a million miles from those noble thoughts anyway. Will a PhD help you grow as a person - massively, and to be honest, that's all it's there to do. You won't produce the best work of your life in this period, you may well not even be in the field you'll end up in, the point of the PhD is to give you transferable skills as a researcher and academic.

Unless you suddenly have a blinding realisation that you're bored to tears by the topic or hate academia, I'd say hang in there at leats a few months. In the meantime talk to other students, get some peer support and social light relief. Once you get comfortable and establish yourself in this new realm, you can meaningfully reassess. At that point you're as free to go as you are now (contrary to popular belief your supervisor doesn't actually own your soul :p )