Hello
I have finished my first year as a Ph.D student in a North European university, in some country in northern europe (not nordic). I get good funding and my advisor is a great guy. I would say professionally, everything is just great. However, after 1 year, except for some not so deep attachments with some of my peers, I have been unable to make any friend. The days just go by completely alone, and as I am an international student I dont have family or similar here. I am 100% alone day and night, all the time. I am alone in my office all day, get up, go to my house to be alone. When the weekend comes, I stay alone at my home, go to do shopping alone, and so on. All my days I am by myself. I've tried the typical "join a class, join a group, bla bla", but it has not worked. I don't speak the local language, and in any case, people here in general is very nice but very reserved and keep to themselves. The city where I live is not too exciting too, actually is somewhat boring. I am feeling depressed and terribly guilty, since except for that everything is great. I am stopping caring about everything, and this is really affecting my performance. What should I do? has somebody else coped with something like this before? I would not like to quit, but I know that this situation is not going to improve. I dont know if I want to keep living like this 3 or more years, I feel life is going by and I am missing great things, such as having a partner. Some of my colleagues have been here longer, speak the local language and also have very few friends, and are in a similar (though not that bad) situation. Thank you for listening....

I am also in another European country for the last six months of my PhD, and it is lonely without a partner or friends.

I can really empathize with you, I try to fill my time with work, and going to museums and galleries and wandering around the city I am in - but of course it doesn't feel like home. Since you are were you are long term you need to develop some kind of coping strategy.

I would also make a real attempt to learn the language of your host nation (you say you don't speak the language). Clearly, unless you are a very talented linguist, you will not be fluent in the two or three years you have left of your PhD, but it will help you feel more integrated and you might be surprised to find that you reach a generally acceptable level of intermediate conversation.

Could you suggest maybe starting a reading group or something in the early evening around 3 or 4, so that afterwards you can go for a drink or two - and tempt some people out afterwards for a meal/coffee/drink?

I guess when I feel down, I remind myself that it won't be forever, that the experience of working and living abroad will look great on the cv and has lots of benefits to (cultural awareness blah blah blah...) I know that these thoughts won't keep you sociable on a Friday night, but they are true all the same.

Take care, and good luck.

I would also make serious effort at learning the language - go to some language classes and it is likely that you will meet people there who are in a similar situation.
You say joining a class/group etc has not worked, but do not give up, sometimes it is just a matter of luck to find the right people. If you do something that you find intersting/enjoyable anyway, it will be worth going for that reason alone and it will give other people in the group the time to get to know you etc. Sometimes it can take a long time to make a "deep attachment", i.e. real friend, or just plain luck.
In order to try and meet people who are open to meet and get to know you, have you looked into home-stay programmes? Sometimes it is possible to stay at a family's house for a weekend or so. This way at least, you'll meet some local people and you are not all by yourself all the time..
Try and be proactive, ask your colleagues out for a drink, invite them for a meal to your place.. What about the student's union - are there opportunities to meet people (students are normally a social bunch
;-)
Don't give up.. best of luck.

What about starting an ex-pats group at your uni, or in your local area - or joining an existing one?

Keep trying, it must be hard, but I think it about luck, so the more you try the more chances you will have of finding people.

I feel lonely doing my PhD, and I live in my home town! So I think you are very strong to keep going. Good luck.

Just a thought but have you tried having a nose around the modern languages department? Often that seems to be where all the adverts of international type activities / language exchanges etc can be found. And many people there will have lived abroad so they might be more 'open' to socialising with foreigners. This saved me when I lived in Germany (it took at least a year before Germans started inviting me to things - although some of my best friends now are from there - but I found the English Stammtisch run by the English department at least gave me a night out during the initial lonely period and I helped people with their English in return)....
Otherwise I'd also say language classes if possible as you'll find other newcomers.
Are there any bigger cities nearby? You might find a bit of an expat social scene somewhere bigger (often focussed around the 'irish' pub).
I also found trying to arrange for friends to visit me and me to visit them at weekends gave me something to look forward to.
My sympathy though - it really can be a horrible feeling.

I bet your very words, Pepipox, point towards the unique way out under the circumstances - a paradigm shift in what you consider satisfaction and happiness to be. Just like a salesman is often obliged to change their lifestyles to suit their objectives, the long distance researcher is too, especially socially since PhD is a lonely venture by its very nature.  I can identify with your situation being a foreign student in Latin America and even learning the language did not do much to shield me much from the loneliness. Today, the third year down the line, I am more introverted than when I first came here, but I consider it a small sacrifice. Hopefully in a few months after I am through I'll be back to my extrovert self. Count your blessings and plod on. 

Hello Pepipox, hang in there. PhDs are by their nature lonely affairs made worse if you feel you don't fit into that dept and more unnerving if you've moved to a new country as well. Congrats on taking such a big step which will be great for your career. I would suggest that the langauge barrier is probably the biggest thing at the moment so I would suggest going to evening classes. I would also suggest getting familiar with the country's culture and be proactive with getting to know people especially if the people are more reserved. Food and drink is a great social occasion in Northern Continental Europe so it would be a good excuse to invite people back to your place - you could try to make some local dishes of your country and that way it'll be a great starting point to talk about and compare cultures . I think people would appreciate the effort. Find a hobby you like and that way at least you'll know you have something in common with the people there. Or what about an international students group as you'll all be in the same boat. I think that you'll have to make the extra effort to "fit in" and be an extrovert in getting to know people and eventually people will be receptive. Good luck and let us know how you get on. (up)

Just thought of something else to do if you wanted to start of small first - do people go for coffee break or lunch together in your dept? If not you could suggest just doing that as everybody needs to eat and it's a good chance to get to know people informally in neutral condtions before you invited them back to yours for dinner.

Have you considered joining something like Couch Surfer or Hospitality Club? These are primarily for backpackers to look for a place to crash when travelling, but I suspect many members are also up for meeting up for drinks and hanging out with people who've moved to their city/country. I've used these two sites before when travelling and everyone I met were friendly, enjoy making new friends and mostly fluent in English (it's probably a case that these clubs attract a certain "type" of people). As I said the clubs are primarily for travellers and people who are happy to host travellers for a night or two, or meet up with them for a drink. But if you message them and explain your situation some of them may be happy to meet up with you? I certainly have friends that managed to make friends this way when they moved to a new place.

Take care and good luck!!