Hey guys and girls, I'm hoping to strat my PhD in September this year. I know it's going to be hard work and is going to take up most of my life. I'm sort of asking how those of you in relationships find it. Is it hard work? I've just split with my gf of 2 years because of my PhD and I was just wanting to know if its happened to others.

Most tend to split up in the second year or the final writing up phase. I think it's very common, unfortunately.

I met my boyfriend at the start of my first year, and as of halfway through my second year we are still together. He has been studying for a MA and will be starting a PhD in September. I guess it might help that we are both 'academic' people. I mean, we do only see each other once or twice a week, so work does need to be a priority and can't take a back seat. Maybe things will be harder when both of us do a PhD, I am not sure. I guess it depends on funding, stress, other issues etc.

I would imagine that a lot of relationships can run into trouble, especially if the other partner is not an academic and doesn't understand just how demanding a PhD can be; As the PhD progresses and becomes more demanding, the partner begins to believe over time that the person doing the PhD cares more about their work than themselves.

The sad truth is, that a doctorate is a very self-involved venture by its very nature and as such, any partner of a person doing a PhD needs to understand their relationship may well have to play second fiddle to the doctorate for the duration.

from my own experience I dont know anyone at my old uni who was able to hold down a serious relationship whilst undertaking a doctorate, unless they where married beforehand.

Right, so basically avoid people who are thinking of travelling after they finish uni would be a safe bet. It's kinda hard cos I know that the PhD must and has to come first (and lets face it, people/organisations are investing thier money in you, so it has to be first priority). Guess I'll just have to hope I find someone who can appreciate that this is what I want to do, and respect that decision.

I have to say I'm not sure I agree with this. I have been with my husband for eight years, we got married 1 1/2 yrs ago when I was 6 months into my phd. He is certainly not an academic. He left school at 16. But I don't think it has effected our relationship. I love my work and in some ways my research is my life but my husband is definately more important. I work hard, am in the office at 7am practically everyday and often work evenings and weekends to, but we still make time for each other. I try and work my hrs around him to a certain extent. He works early so do I. I think a relationship can work. How many hrs are you expecting to do doing a phd?

I think it depends on the teaching workload or other commitments that you have. I've a friend from another university who's able to maintain a relationship with her partner..and am able to hang out with her partner at least one day per week...

I figured one of the main reasons that she's able to do so is her low teaching workload. Or maybe she's just smarter? 8P!

For me, I find it hard to keep in contact with all my friends... And life just seems to get busier as one progresses from year 1...

This is a real concern for me, too. I have been with my other half for two and a half years and we have lived together most of that time. I think that living together makes a difference, as even at the moment I am a busy undergrad and he is at the start of his career, and sometimes we feel like we live together but barely see each other. If we both had to make time to even see each other, I can see that it would be a massive strain. I think that it's really cynical to resign yourself to not being able to make a relationship and a PhD-in-progress co-exist, but then I have not started yet!

As others have said, heavy teaching workload + PHD + marking + making everyone happy + living together + non-academic partner

sounds like a deadly combination to me. It can still work but it's not easy. I thought I can rescue it by seeing her only once a week and not living together but here we are

My partner and I have been living together for three years now since we met during our undergraduate degrees. I am in the first year of my PhD and he is about to start a diploma in Architecture (Part 2) in september. Luckily we both understand how important our careers are, and that sometimes we need to work instead of spending loads of time together. However, I think its important to not put any pressure on the relationship whilst you are still studying. We have put aside all thoughts of morgages and marriage for the forseable future, so that we can both focus on our studies. Any understanding partner will realise that achieving your PhD is your dream, and they must do everything they can to help you achieve it.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years (from high school)
We've been through our degrees (one after the other). bought 2 houses got engaged got married and are now (while I'm finishing the write up) planning our move to the US.

My point is you don't have give up everything for your studies -

finding the balance is the tricky bit -

But also finding a partner who understands you'll be busy, stressed and wholly irrationaly for a long period of time helps

I totall agree sjo4- while doing a phd is most definitly an all consuming activity, you do need some kind of balance- while our phds have definitly put pressure on my relationship with my partner, I also realise how lucky I am to have someone there who understands sometimes I have phd worries, irrationality, and exhaustion which means I'm not always cheery. For me, that extra support fromn someone that understands has been invaluble, although I dont think to understand your partner necessarily has to be academic as well- just that they accept the pressures you're under, which I admit might be hard for some people.
Also- I think its worth remembering that while doing a phd is (probably) one of the most pressured jobs you will have, stress and pressure doesnt just dissapear when you finish, and having any stressful or demanding career will put pressure on a relationship.

Um..thats all. I think. Sorry for the rant.

Luckily I also have a partner who is very understanding and supports me and really encouraged me to go ahead and do the PhD. I think all situations are different, so there's no simple 'yes' or 'no' answer.
My biggest problem is, in fact, my family wanting more time from me! They think that just because I am a student again I have loads of free time and some days they pester me non-stop to go round or do this and that (usually saying "but you're not busy, are you"). So from my personal experience they are more hassle to deal with whilst doing a PhD than my partner is!

Re omega_monkey, I'm unsure of the hours yet, but I expect it to be a lot from seeing how often the PhDs are in our lab. I agree with what eveyone else is saying about finding a balance of academic and social life, and its good to know that it does work out, its just finding that person who understands. I think that living with someone would definately help, or maybe it wouldn't - especaially if I have work to do and they want to go out. I'mnot the sort to be pressured into something, but I'd feel bad if I didnt go out. So basically, its all to do with fidning the right person. Cheers everyone!

is it the same people in the lab at all hrs? Its true there are always people around but if you take me and a colleague I work from 7am but she comes in about 12 noon and obviously works much later. There is always someone around but thats probably because most don't work normal hrs, they work to suit there productivity. Some work better in morning and some in evening. Its definately about teh balance, because a phd is not teh be all and end all.Its true in depends on the people. My husband knows that I love my phd and If I want to work I will.
Not all would be so understanding!