Hello all,

I'll be starting work toward my PhD in October, working on plant pathology. Aside from the occasional worry about me not being good enough (despite my undergraduate tutors constantly reassuring me I am for the past year, and then graduating with a first class degree) I'm feeling pretty good about starting, save for one thing:

I've been in a relationship with the most incredible girl for nearly three years now and absolutely will not throw it away. We're both agreed that we're going to make every effort to keep it going and want to try to see each other every two weeks (it's a five hour train journey between where I will be and where she is for the immediate future). At the moment, she's looking for graduate jobs but currently working in a bar, so won't be anywhere near as busy as I will be, and I can see that creating a problem. Also, we're used to seeing each other every day, it's going to be a big shock for both of us. I've known people keep longer distance relationships going for far more than four years but never with the pressure I'm told I'll be under, and that worries me a little.

I'd have her move in with me no problem but that isn't fair on her with no job and no friends where I'm moving to. She's aiming to find a job in London, though, and that's less than two hours train ride from me. So we have that to cling onto I suppose.

I'm just wondering if anyone on here has experience of being in a long distance relationship whilst doing a lab work intensive science PhD. If so, what advice would you give us both to make it work?

Oh, and Mackem_Beefy, not a word about this to anyone on the SMB, don't want them seeing my sensitive side.

,-)

To be honest it wouldn't matter if she lived with you or you with her... a PhD takes us away from everything we hold dear. But on the upside, a break away from study can not only make us have a better and closer time with someone we love but when we get back to work, make us concentrate better. It is a finite period, if the love is going to last, it'll be there anyway. I hope this works for you :)

======= Date Modified 24 Jul 2012 22:16:32 =======
Charmless,

You're a 1st class degree lad who actually wants to do a PhD and from other correspondence, I know you've thought about what project you're going to do. You've looked for a project with funding, with a reputable institute and with what looks to be good supervision. So let's have none of this 'not good enough' stuff before you've started. I was 2(ii) and had to make up for that via Masters and I still got through. Although it was hard, I was determined and everything fell into place and that helped big time.

As regards your lass, there is no denying you're going to have to work hard at keeping it going. I put a bit on my blog about this (http://www.wearthesis.talktalk.net - see question 11 part d - the families, friends and relationships section - yup, these are all questions I've either been asked or know others have been asked).

I wrote the blog quite a few years back and people will have different opinions, however, alot of it will hold true for you. You need to talk, communicate and make time for yourselves where the PhD does not intrude. There are plenty on here that have done a PhD whilst married, had young families and even health difficulties. They will have their own views and will be able to give you their own take on your situation. Potentilla makes a good point, in that during the PhD we do become more remote from those around us (regardless of physical distance) so you have to decide how to manage that.

Long distance relationships have to be worked at and the fact you've committed to seeing each other regularly helps. You worry about the pressure you'll be under and yes, you will face periods of at times intense pressure in the next few years. However, if your PhD goes well and things fall into place, you'll find that pressure a little easier to handle than you expect.

Besides, where you'll be, Sunderland AFC will be turning up on 1st December and there's the chance of a good few London away matches. Football for me was much needed rest and relaxation time. 8-)

BTW, I wouldn't dream of PM'ing Flavonoids on the SMB with the entire text of the above. :-)

Ian (Mackem_Beefy)

======= Date Modified 25 Jul 2012 10:19:25 =======
First off doing a PhD is hard work and being in a long distance relationship on top of that is even harder. I'm in the UK and my partner works in India and we've been together like this for the last 5 years (though I've only been doing my PhD for 1 of those). As someone earlier said you will go through periods of intense pressure but there are also periods of time with nothing much to do (though still quite a lot). With time you'll get used to it and will fall into a pattern of working.

Doing a PhD does weird things to you because you are essentially living your research (I'm a molecular biologist). So it's something in between being a student and having a job. Your partner will have to be incredibly understanding which can be quite difficult. We struggled a lot and even spilt up for about a year around the time I started my PhD. It is quite difficult for someone who isn't going through something similar or hasn't in the past to really understand what we're doing and why. In the end, look at it this way, if you guys come out of this together you know our relationship will be able to withstand a load of other crap life chucks at ya.

PM if you want to talk some more. Good luck!

Oh I came into my PhD straight from undergrad with a 2.i degree. I did, however, have a year's worth of experience because I did a year in industry. You may feel like you've been thrown in the deep end a bit at the start but once you start reading, become independent in the lab and really wrap your head around your project you'll be fine. Don't let the experience or the thought of it intimidate you. Take it as it comes and enjoy it. :-)

======= Date Modified 25 Jul 2012 11:35:26 =======
Ok. As everyone else has said, long distace relationships are hard but they can be done. My boyfriend works about 5/6 hours from me and I'm doing a chemistry PhD. He moved when I was in my second year so we've been this far apart for about 18 months. We see eachother for about one weekend a month but we're hoping that when I'm writing up I will be able to spend more time visiting him and working there.

The only things I'd recommend would be to always have the next visit planned, know when you're aiming to actually be able to be together again, and don't forget to live your lives and be an awesome individual even though you're apart. Good luck to both of you.