I hold two graduate degrees and two master's degrees (Information Technologies and Sociology). I completed my graduate and master's in sociology through distance learning while working at the Computer Science faculty, hoping to do a Ph.D. in my lab.

However, my supervisor (and boss) never helped me. I was asked to perform non-research related tasks, was even asked to engage in industrial espionage. Without anyone's help, I got four papers accepted at international conferences. When someone from my group made an extended version of one of my papers copying several paragraphs from Wikipedia, I felt they were going over the top.

In an unrelated turn of events, I was raped and repeatedly bullied by an acquaintance one year ago. It severely damaged my mental healt. My performance at work decreased as a result of depression, and I got fired from my lab. Nobody is aware of what happened to me (not even my family). Nobody asked what was wrong with me, and I did not tell anyone out of shame.

I thought I could get something good out of the tragedy, and I applied for several Ph.D. positions. They were loosely related to my IT master's degree and I got rejected. My family forced me to apply for jobs at local companies and luckily I found a job.

I am feeling hopeless and nobody relates to my pain. My family and friends say that I am lucky I left that lab because my salary was low. They also say it is of no use having a Ph.D. I still want to go back to the world of research - this time, using my sociology degrees (as a self-funding student).

Two weeks ago I wrote to a prospective supervisor, but she has not yet replied. It makes me so nervous, since I have a very low self-esteem and I am full of trauma. Should I contact her again? Should I contact a different professor from the same university? She is the one whose research better matches my interests.

Dear Goagoa

Thanks for sharing your horrific story. It is very brave of you to do so. In the first instance please deal with your health issues. You can't do anything if you aren't well yourself. Those are major traumas you have been through and you must share them with someone in the first person in real life - so they can help you deal with them. Please, go to see your GP or another doctor you trust urgently and tell them your story - simply - like you have done here. Health information is 100% confidential, more confidential than the internet. Nobody can help you if you don't tell them and your GP can fast track you to psychology or counselling services - whichever is the most therapeutic for you. Nobody relates to your pain because nobody knows about the cause, you must tell someone. A PhD is a really big deal and a massive strain on the mental health of anyone, so please ensure you have strong mental health supports around you before you embark on that journey. I would put off the PhD decision until you have dealt with the bullying and rape trauma. Please call a professional now. You are a brave, strong person and will recover your self esteem and confidence with time, help and support, but you must seek out that help. See the PhD as a reward for tackling and dealing with your mental anguish, which must be your number one priority, right now. Please look after yourself, prioritise yourself and most important of all, be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break! Have you had a holiday recently? Now is the time to take some time off with close friends and family and confide in someone so they can help you, which is what you desperately need. Feel no shame, none of this is your fault, be strong.

Massive hugs

Anon007

Hi anon007, thanks so much for your reply and support.

I know my post sounds like I am at the lowest point in my life, but I am on the way to recovery. I did not elaborate further on my current situation because of the word limit.

I am still a Ph.D. candidate at my local university - but as you may well guess, I no longer have plans of pursuing this Ph.D. due to their lack of seriousness. I am still coordinator of an interuniversity research network (I was told by my former boss/supervisor that if I leave the network nobody else from out lab will take my place, and I did not want to let down my colleagues from the network, so I stayed).

I have been working for a private company for 6 months now. The atmosphere here is very good and for the first time in five years I am working in a room with windows (which is believe has a beneficial effect on my mental health).

I decided to contact a potential supervisor in the field of sociology because I want to be active and focus on new things. I know a Ph.D. can be straining (I am 30 and I have been working full-time and studying full-time since I was 17), that is why I am willing to become a self-funding student using my savings and maybe stop working for at least a year while I am healing from the trauma.

I will try to find some type of anonymous counselling so that my family do not find out about my problems (I do not want to make them miserable with my issues).

I admire your determination to try again to do a PhD after what you have been through. However, make sure you are ready to face the challenge. As you will already know, doing a PhD will demand alot of you.

As regards the rape, there is someone out there who has got away with it and he may do this to another woman at some point in the future. I'm aware dealing with this will be difficult and we have our own ways of coping, however, for the sake of other women I would advise going to the police and reporting this so he does not do it again. If he is convicted, you can hopefully put this behind you and truely move on - you have evidence of the offence still?.

I would not let this lie and someone in your family needs to know so they can at least support you. Please get help for this at the very least for your own sake. He should be locked away.

My sympathies,

Ian (Mackem_Beefy)

Hello Ian, thank you very much for your post.

When I was still in shock, I told one of his close relatives what had happened and he did not believe me (which is when the bullying began). Last month, I was gathering evidence (such as texts with his confession) when I received the news that my rapist had died in a car crash.

I am regaining my strength, and when I feel ready I will let my parents know.

Dear Goagoa

Again, thanks for sharing your story, your bravery is inspirational. I am pleased to hear you are regaining your strength, after a tumultuous couple of years. It is great to know you will seek somebody to talk to - make sure you have good rapport with whoever it is. My rule of thumb for good counselling/therapy is that I always feel better after it, but I know some people disagree with me on that, saying that you have to open up your soul which is sometimes unpleasant. My advice is still to seek out someone professional you trust to talk to, even if it's the career service at your University. My experience with them is that they are great with advice on which PhD to do and all that sort of stuff and how to handle potential supervisors. I think you will feel a lot better about the bullying and rape once you have confided in someone about it. I'm sure you will find whoever you talk to 100% supportive, confidential and helpful, and if they're not then find someone who is, it shouldn't be too difficult. Then you can talk over with this professional about when might be the best time for you to confide in your parents, I think you will feel much better after that too. Is there anyone you're already in touch with who has helped you before, been confidential that you can see yourself confiding in and helping support you now?

I've been badly bullied on several occasions in the past, not now fortunately, and I found friends, family, the professionals such as my GP, mental health nurses, A&E, trade unions, students' union, services at University, my postgrad tutor, my mentor all very helpful and supportive, but you have to take that leap and open up, actually ask for help. People will be very sympathetic and if they're good at their job, they will give you new coping mechanisms and help you tap into your existing skills set to help you take action and get over these traumas.


More hugs,

Anon 007

Hi Goagoa,

I'm so glad you feel able to reach out after being disbelieved in the first instance.

Please don't feel you have to tell anyone, only do so if you feel comfortable and it is natural to you.

I will pm you with some info about specialist support for this.

Please also do not feel as if you have to report this. People will encourage you to do so with good intentions, but they do not know exactly what the nature of your experience is. Report it if you feel able, but you are absolutely not responsible for this persons actions, either in the past or the future. You are completely blameless in this situation and you always will be.

You need to consider all possibilitites if you do report it. I would advise seeking professional advice from a specialised councillor - who you feel you can trust - before doing so. The prosecution process is notoriously difficult and traumatic. Check the statistics on that. I believe it can depend on where you live, your evidence etctera. You must be pretty clear about what you would need for a conviction and whether or not you have that evidence. You also have to be able to stand in court and take whatever the prosecution may throw at you. You will also need masses of personal support. I would make sure I had that first, before considering anything.

Every healing process is unique, you must honor yours - your duty is to heal yourself, not to be responsible for the actions of a monster. You are certainly no monster.

Only you know if you are up to the PhD. Embarking on it could be empowering for you, and having to give it up could make you feel more victimised. But, as others have said it takes strength. Although, nothing like as much as attempting a prosecution in a case such as this does, I believe.

This is not the ideal place to discuss what has happened to you, but I am glad you reached out and I will pm you. My heart is with you XXX

Oh sorry Goagoa, I just read you latest post, so much of what I said doesn't really apply. I'm glad you are sturdy enough to know when you are ready to tell your parents and to stick with that. x

Sorry, I meant to say defence - not prosecution (must have been a Freudian slip given the courts' track record in this area...)