Hi all,
I wonder if anyone can give me advice?

Next week, that is tomorrow in a week, I'm going to a workshop in Switzerland. Flights all booked and all. It is the final meeting of a three year project with which I've been involved from the start - it was basically started because I was so interested in the topic. It is a cooperation between my then University and three Russian researchers. Unfortunately, there was funding for the Russian side of the project only. The Swiss side was expected to be funded already, from elsewhere, and to work on the project for free. I was basically happy to do that, because the whole topic was closely related to my PhD project which I was then applying for. So the project provided me with a forum to discuss my work. But no one on the Swiss side of the project had funding, apart from the PI, and so commitment to the project overall was quite low, and there were no meetings, and no opportunities for discussion apart from the annual workshops.
In the first of those workshops, the whole project group set a common topic, which was basically my suggestion.

Now, 2.5 years since the official start of the project have gone. At the workshop next week we are supposed to present our results. There are plans to make a book. Some important people in the field have agreed to write chapters for the book, or a comment at the end. However, the financing of the book remains unclear. The PI expects it to cost about 15’000£, over all. There would be a lot of work involved and so far, nobody has shown any sign that they are willing to do that work. So I am a little doubtful if the book will actually happen or not. I think it will depend a bit on me. It would be a good opportunity for a publication, but also a lot of work.
Ok so now to my problem: As the workshop next week is meant to be where we discuss drafts of our contributions to this possible book, everyone was supposed to send their drafts to the other participants by last Friday.

My problem is: For the last month or so, I haven’t been able to write a single meaningful sentence. I’m totally blocked.
My draft is nonexistent. When I think about it all, I just panic.
I haven’t progressed with my PhD as originally planned. So I don’t have the material I was going to have by now. So I thought I’d base this paper on just the part of the material which I already have. But: a) It is only very little material. b) I haven’t analysed it all yet; c) there is nothing in the material that I can really use for the common topic of the project (which I had suggested). In other words: I think this just doesn’t work.

So I have been thinking of what to do. Should I try to just write ANYTHING, even if it is a bit pointless? Should I come out clean, tell everyone that I’m sorry but I just don’t have anything? I really do not want to disappoint the PI as she has been very helpful in the past, and really started the project because of me. But I also just don’t see myself creating anything, let alone publishable, from what I have now.
I feel very bad about all this. Like a complete failure, useless, people have placed trust in me and I have not lived up to it. To some extent I also get angry because this project has been misconceived from the start – how can you run a research project when half the people aren’t getting paid? But mostly I just feel a failure.
Any advice on what to do?

Shani I totally understand what you are going through.

okay for starters, don't beat yourself up about not having written anything for a month, loads of writers have writing block, it's probaly fear that's causing the writer's block.

i am sure in the midst of the primordial soup thats swishing in your brain about what you do have, there probably is worth something to write about it! but you just have to find a way to extract it.

Joan Bolker talks about this fear and suggests, 10minutes, of free writing...

set your stop clock (i'm being serious here and not metaphorically) and write anything ... even if its just remotely loosely connected to the subject, you need to write about... and in the midst of the chaos you might find something..

even write about what you are scared about, what you don't like about the subject, what you do like, what you have found, what you need to work on, something. anything. what your happy about the subject and what makes you uncomfortable and unhappy...

you have two choices, you can either spend this week and pull together a zero draft, a rough outline of what you think might be worthy to add and tell the other people, or you can confess you have not done anything. the thing is, when you give them the outline or zero draft, they wont know you only did it in a week.. and tell them, most of your ideas are abit random and scattered and still in your head and you're working on it, but here's a rough idea or plan of what might help. or tell them, you still haven't quite finished the analysis, it's taking you alot longer than you originally anticipated but you're working through it, and then tell them you've done 30% of the analysis and so far the results seem to show , x y z, or say i need a little bit more time to fully understand what the results show...

or if you think it's not going in the direction you like, then point that out. at least you know in your heart, you have given your best shot and thats all that really matters, not dissapointing yourself. do it for yourself..

visit this website, which really helped me when i was suffering from writers block and guilt:

http://newkidonthehallway.typepad.com/new_kid_on_the_hallway/2006/03/writers_block_a.html

i too in a week, have to show my supervisor a draft of the results section. i have spent far too long reading about the subject and reading papers, and have done very little on the actual results!! eeek. but i will try to pull together something. anything to show her.. something to show is better than a blank piece of paper..

also in a couple of weeks, need to show them my entire thesis and what i have done so far ! so will make a rough outline of my entire thesis in bullet format...

you can also say at your meeting, after you have shown you draft, the rest of its in my head but i can't articulate it. they can't prove it's not in your head! and you're already confessing that you don't have the ability to fully articulate it. :P

here's an extract from joan bolkers book that might comfort you:
I read her book daily, whenever i am frozen with fear, or guilt, i find it very comforting.. and highly recommend it. in the months of my writers block, it was the best thing i did, getting this book and reading it.

"when you sit down to begin a piece of writing, your first aim ought to be to make a mess - to say anything that comes to your mind, on the subject or off it. not to worry at all whether your stuff is connected logically, to play with your subject ......"

so your first task is to sit there for 10minutes, and write.. freewriting about the subject, anything at all about the subject, how you feel about it, what you don't like what you do like, anything. you can write for 10minutes, that's doable. no matter how horrible it is, you can do it for at least 10minutes. of course you wont just do 10mins a day everyday and get it done, but it's a start..

and Joan Bolker points out to people that go , omg only 10minutes thats crazy, but says "but you have so far not been able to write anything"..

and that mathematically it's an "infinite" improvement.

once you've done 10minutes than build it up. and then go back to the mess and highlight things that might be useful.

so don't stop for anything, don't stop and look back, don't cross anything out, and it's fine if you want to repeat the same thing over and over again. but the point is "keep writing, even if you hate it, you can do it for 10minutes"..

and Joan Bolker says "that even in a short block of seemingly mindless writing (power of unconscious) you will occassionally , on rereading your words find something you didn't know you knew"

I'm also just about to start this. i have to work on the results section of a chapter, and i'm stuck, so i'm going to try the freewriting (which i've done in the past, to sort of get the ball rolling) and it really does work!

so try it and see where it leads you

i know you can do it!

Hey Shani, just wondering how you're doing? what did you decide then?

thanks for all your advice, lara. well i've had another two days of panic, tears and, well, panic. but i'm sorting it out now. i've managed to come up with an idea of some contribution to that book that might actually work; unlike what i've been going with so far. i've discussed it with my supervisor who i saw today and was very helpful. so what i'm doing next is, i'm writing to the PI and explaining that i don't have a draft and why. and that i do have an idea but was simply not able to get it as ready as expected. and that i will be happy to talk about that idea at the workshop.
then, following my supervisor's advice, i will not push for the book to actually happen - unless the workshop turns out to be great and everyone, including me, becomes enthusiastic. she said if i have misgivings about the book from the start, i should not volunteer to work on it, even if it means the book will never become real.

i've realised that this project, and the workshop and the possible book, have been completely blocking me. otherwise, things are going really well. i've finally started on my fieldwork and am not caught up in teaching anymore. i've been invited to a conference, all paid for, where all the important people in my field are going to be. but because i was constantly worrying about this project, i was not able to make progress with anything else... it has been having a negative effect on my whole life. so i've decided not to let it anymore. ha.