Hey guys,

Hope you all are well. I need your advice on a problem that is bothering me.

So here is the situation. I had to drop out of my history Phd (my 3rd year) last August because I was so stressed out by it but my university granted me a year's leave which ends this year on 31 May 2007. I am nowhere near ready to return to it in less than two months, still too shy,obsessed with what other academics think of me, not being good enough etc. I have tried to write down reasons why i should forget about the phd and there are many- namely, that I'm still really awkward, shy, can't approach people (not even my supervisors!!) and found the phd as an exremely isolating experience

But no matter how many times I try to be rational and see that it just won't work out, I still don't want to leave it because I have never failed anything academically and I do love studying.And then there is the obvious recognition thing of being a 'Dr'

What should I do?

Hi Angie,

You have my utmost sympathy and empathy here. Sounds like a very hard situation. PhDs are nagging little things which seem not to go away however much you might think it would be easier if they did! Do you know of anyone you could speak to about this, possibly someone impartial (ie not your supervisor, and not a super close friend)? How much work would you say you still have to do to finish? And was there something in particular that made you stop when you did?

Hi Angie,

Sorry to read you've had a rough time of it - I do sympathise completely (I'm currently writing up, and spend vast amounts of time very stressed out ... to the point where it is very unhealthy for me). Anyway ...

Firstly, forget the importance of a 'Dr' title. Yes, it's a nice thing to have, but remember, it is only really used in academic circles and having the title is not the 'be all and end all'. Doing a PhD JUST for the title is not the right motivation you need.

Secondly, if you decide not to continue, you ARE NOT a failure! The PhD just wasn't for you - simple!

Thirdly, unless something in you drastically changes, the chances are you will always feel the way you do (... lots of PhD students are stressed/insecure/isolated/etc - I'm speaking from experience) - it's a question of whether you can live with them feelings and get on with the PhD. Of course, there are things you could do to help alleviate these feelings, but it will take time.

GOODS CONTINUED ...

If you honestly think a PhD is not for you/will make you really unhappy ... then don't do it! It's not worth it and not worth making yourself ill over! 'Worse things have happened at sea' and all that!

I'm sure others will post more advice here soon.

Do keep us updated on your decision!

Dear Angie, have you attended a National or Local GradSchool yet? It is one of the best experiences and it would help you a lot with your current situation. Especially if you can get a place on one of the 4 1/2 day ones. If you are funded by a research council, it is free. If not, perhaps you can ask your supervisor to cover the fees from your budget or something? Here is the link: http://www.grad.ac.uk/cms/ShowPage/Home_page/Course_Search/p!epmibXX?mode=courseSearch

How about getting some professional help to deal with your stress, anxiety etc.? Then, after you have dealt with your emotions, it would be easier to so whether you really really dotn want, cant finish PhD.

"And was there something in particular that made you stop when you did?"
I would add to that, was there something particular that made you start originally, that you might just have lost out of sight, or it might also not be there anymore? If what made you decide to do a PhD isn't there anymore, I would seriously think about quitting. If it's just out of sight due to all the stress, it might help getting your focus back on it, reminding yourself why you are going through all this trouble.
Mostly, do try to talk to somebody about this! Posting on this forum was a good start. But a personal conversation is much better! You will find that most if not all other PhD students have similar struggles in one way or another and won't find it awkward at all if you approach them with this!

Hi, sorry to hear about your troubles. I think its really important to get some professional help with this - its not the kind of thing you can expect to get better by itself. Good luck.

I would absolutely agree with those posters who have suggested professional help. The only caveat is how long it will take - on the NHS, a wait of over a year would not be uncommon. However, this in itself should not be a barrier to getting help. It just makes things a little trickier.

Hi guys,

Just wanted to say thanks for replying back to me with your comments. This website truly is a godsend, wish i had discovered it much sooner!!. Have been reading through various topics that have been posted and its a relief to hear that am not the only one and some students are going through the same thing- its even helping me to think about things and come to a decision (which i have still to reach) Message continues in next box (word limit sucks!!)

this message is gonna be long...sorry, am just trying to work it out in my head.

I think i started this phd because my undergrad supervisor saw potential in me- i was so awestruck by the praise that i went along with it. But also because i have loved academia and studying and knew i would work hard, so i thought it would be a good move- it was a much more attractive choice than going out and getting a proper job like other students. (did not feel confident enough). So I did a Masters in Historical Research, (before beginning the phd) which I passed with distinction---after that i got a uni studentship to fund the phd- so i was all set

What made me stop when I did?- I started the phd in Indian History in Aug 2004 but had to leave it in Aug 2006. I'm from Scotland, so moving down to London, having no friends, main supervisor leaving for one year to complete his research, other phd students and lecturers being competitive, intimidating, unapproachable with lots of experience in public speaking ( i had none so could not 'speak well' like them) shook my confidence and thus i could not focus on my studies. And then there was the fact i just did not have a clue what i was doing, so much that by end of year 1 I had nothing to report- not to worry i was told, just go to India and find stuff there. So I went there for 6 months only to really hate it even more cos it was just too different, culture shock etc. I stayed there for that long cos i was scared of what the reaction would be back home if i flew back.

When I came back to the UK, my main supervisor had returned only to be shocked by how badly things had turned out- they all, judging my past record, had assumed that i would be 'ok and would figure things out on my own'. But he said things could be turned around and i should stay. Eager to please and not knowing what else to do I agreed. So for the next 5 months i went through more hell, not focusing on anything cos i was so demoralised- until one day i just could not take it anymore and had to get out.

i have tried to seek professional help, but it's not really working- am just constantly worried about the phd, what other people will think of me if i drop out (i have a reputation of being the 'clever one' at home). And then there is me- my own harshest critic- i feel as if i can't back out cos i have never failed academically and genuinely feel had circumstances been different, I would have been a good phd student cos i do love studying. Theoretically I still can be if i go back and carry on but i cannot forget the torture and hell of the past two years so things will only get worse.

I know that not having a phd does not equal failure but to me it feels like it does cos academia has been such a huge part of my life.
On a more positive note, if not the phd and an academic career, i do still want a career in research (something booky)- it's just the whole 'finding a job' thing and explaining the phd dropout decision that is a big hurdle

Have you had a professional help or only tried to find it?