This is a bit of a general self-pitying moan at the moment, but things aren't going too well at the moment and it is starting to affect my work. My supervisors are generally fine and we get on well, but I have a feeling that they are getting frustrated with me at the moment, because they don't think my work is improving quickly enough, I started my second year this month. Before Christmas I accidently received an email (about me) that was only meant to be for my supervisor (from my other supervisor), it wasn't very nice and she apologised straight away. Of course I accepted that graciously and moved on, but my confidence has been ruined and I have no faith in myself. I can only see this situation getting worse as well.

I am constantly working and stressed at the moment, as I am self-funded I need to work alongside my PhD so I am teaching 2 seminars a week, I have four private A-level students and I nanny for two afternoons a week. I know I should probably go part time but I really don't want to, and I do like the challenge. But I just feel like I have no time for anything, and worried about my research suffering.

I have to do a presentation on Thursday as it is the research students' presentation day, this is an annual thing where we present our research (20 mins) to our research colleagues and quite a few staff members attend and it is usually really helpful. I had a quick meeting with one of my supervisors about it last week and he said that it was fine, but that I should cut a few bits out so that I wouldn't run out of time. As my other supervisor is my discussant I emailed it to her yesterday morning (after saying that I would after the meeting last week, she said this was a good idea), but she hasn't yet emailed me back. I said that any comments would be appreciated so I was expecting to hear from her. There were still some notes to be written, but essentially it was complete. I'm finishing it today but without hearing from her I'm really worried that she absolutely hates it and that Thursday isn't going to go well at all.

I just feel that everything is going horribly wrong and that I'm never going to get my PhD, I'm still interested and motivated, but I feel that I don't have the ability that others have.

Any words of advice/encouragement would be appreciated, I'm sorry that this is so long.

Ok, assorted thoughts:

1. As I said on your previous thread, although it wasn't nice to see that email, I didn't think it was as bad as you were feeling it was. They said that piece of work wasn't up to your usual standard, which implies they know you are capable of better based on other work you have done. That is actually a good thing. So you dropped the ball on one piece of work? We all do that sometimes. Learn from any constructive feedback and move on.

2. Speaking of moving on, I don't think you really have, given that you say you your confidence is ruined and you think things will get worse. I would suggest perhaps talking to someone like a postgrad tutor about how you're feeling with regard to your work and after this incident - they might be able to give you a healthier perspective. They might also be able to give you a feel for whether your progress is sufficient which might stop you speculating about your supervisors' views on this.

3. Re: going part time. What are your objections? I recommend that you write a list of the pros and cons now and figure out the best way to proceed - waiting until further down the line could leave you with a trickier situation to deal with. It may be that you do have enough time to work and do your PhD, but maybe you're diverting your energies in too many directions (e.g. maybe drop the nannying and do more tutoring or vice versa). It's good to be busy but there comes a point where it's hard to do the main things well.

4. So your supervisor hasn't replied to an email sent yesterday? I wouldn't read anything into it. It means their either too busy or what you've done is largely fine. If they'd looked at it and there was a massive problem they would have got back to you quicker.

5. Do you ever interact with other PhD students in your department? I recommend spending time with them face to face - you will probably find a lot of the anxieties you are experiencing are actually quite common. Spending time with other students might help you relax a bit and give you some ideas about how to move on from this point.

I hope some of the above helps. I really don't think things are as bad as you are feeling them to be - try not to interpret everything as being indicative of something negative. It most likely isn't.

DON'T PANIC! <-- please imagine that's written in large friendly letters

Hazyjane had some excellent points and I don't think I can really add to them beyond saying that as far as I'm aware, feeling completely and utterly useless in a PhD is perfectly normal from time to time (I hope it is anyway otherwise I've definitely been doing it wrong).

Thank you both for replying, in some ways I know that what I'm feeling is normal, but I have so much pressure on me at the moment I feel like I'm going to crack sometimes. But I just need to get on with it, and would like to do that as positively as I can.

Jane - I live quite a distance from my university but I'm usually there twice a week so I do speak to other PhD students in my department and that really helps, as they do feel like this sometimes as well. My department is really friendly which helps, there is always someone to have a chat with.

I'm dropping a day's nannying in two weeks so that I can teach on that day instead, it means I'll be on campus for another day which is great. At the moment I am doing a fair amount of paid employment as I know I won't have any (or much less) in the summer months so I need to grab it while I can really. I'm getting better at fitting my research in around everything and I'm still enjoying the challenge of it all, I just don't want to burn myself out or annoy my supervisors by not progressing quickly enough.

I would speak to my supervisors about how I am feeling at the moment as they are approachable and understanding, it's just that I don't want to make the one who sent the email feel bad about it, like it is all her fault, because it isn't. I also don't want them to think that I'm pathetic for not being able to deal with it. At the time I told my supervisor that it was probably good for me to see it, in a way, so I put a brave face on that masked the fact that I was in tears when I saw it.

Thanks again, Natassia x

You don't "just need to get on with it". The danger of doing that - and this sounds like a very real danger from what you've written here already - is that you will crack soon, and big style. You should seek help sooner rather than later. Speaking candidly to your supervisors sounds like sensible advice. Don't be afraid of upsetting people. The point is to get you help to carry on, as best as possible. And that's not achieved by adopting an head in the sand approach. It sounds as though you've been covering things up a lot, and soldiering on, but that's not the best way to tackle a PhD. Your supervisors are there to help you, but can only help you if you are honest with them. You could, for example, speak to university counsellors, to get some of your worries out in the open, and figure out a way forward. Have you considered that?

I'm also concerned about your rejecting the idea of going part-time so quickly, and also not addressing HazyJane's very practical suggestions about weighing up the pros and cons of full versus part-time. Normally, in my experience, full-timers are 9-5 Mon-Fri. It doesn't sound as though you are remotely anywhere near that, even allowing for variations between different subjects (I've been both a science and a humanities PhD student). And as you get further through the PhD the pressure on you, including time-wise, is likely to build. Going part-time isn't often an option for people, if they are funded externally. But you are self-funding. So you could do that, if it would be more practical, and more sensible. Have your supervisors raised the issue of potentially going part-time? If so you should probably consider it even more seriously. It would reduce the pressure you're facing. Financially it would also work out well, lowering the fees cost drastically each year, while you would still be able to work alongside the PhD to earn money.

Thank you for replying.

Just because I didn't explicitly say something in response to Jane's suggestion, doesn't mean that I didn't address it. I really appreciated everything Jane said and suggested. I am also fully aware of what the conventional hours are for a full-time job. Life doesn't always work out that way though. My supervisors haven't discussed it so I'm only thinking about it myself at the moment.

I know you mean well and I don't want to appear ungrateful, you probably know that I'm feeling ultra-sensitive and probably being melodramatic at the moment (suffering from long-term depression doesn't help either), but your post has made me feel even worse. But at the same time, your first paragraph especially raised some valuable points about speaking to my supervisors about this. I know I need to do it, I just feel like there isn't enough time, when my progress is more important than my feelings; this is how it seems at the moment anyway. And rightly so, probably.

Sorry for upsetting you. I'm quite direct at times, and struggle a lot due to the neurological illness. Trying to help though.

Wishing you well.

Hey Natassia - Best of luck Thursday (I sent you a p-message).
:-)

It sounds to me like you’re probably doing fine with your work, you’re submitting written work and you’ve just written a presentation that your supervisor liked. Maybe you are getting tired and stressed from working long hours, and losing perspective a bit? I am feeling a bit like this myself recently, tired and emotional, lol.

I really would talk to your supervisors about it. You don’t necessarily have to tell them all the details of how you feel, just ask them for some feedback on your progress so far, explaining that you want to make sure you don’t fall behind due to your paid work, etc. They will be able to reassure you. Your progress is not more important than your feelings, the two go together. If you can feel better about things, then you will work better, and vice versa. And your mental health is much more important than your work, surely!

For your talk on Thursday, if you still have time, can you phone your other supervisor to remind them, or get their feedback by phone? Probably they just forgot or lost track of time or something. But your other supervisor thought it was fine, and so it will be fine just as it is I’m sure.

It’s very important that we look after ourselves and our health, I know it seems like there’s no time, but we need to set aside time for that. If you let yourself get burnt out, it will then take much longer to recover than it would have to prevent it getting to that point. I find that even just an hour or so a couple of times a week, to do something relaxing can help. I like to set a specific time for it, so I can look forward to it when I’m feeling tired at other times. Also make sure you talk to someone about how you feel, eg a counsellor, or at least a good friend who will listen. It sounds like you might be bottling things up a bit, which could be making you feel worse.

Also, its fine vary your pace and do more paid work sometimes, and work more on your phd at other times, like over the summer if you will have less paid work then. Tell your supervisors about your schedules for this as well, so they’ll know to expect more work from you at certain times, and less at others.

Really I agree with the others- it sounds like things are not as bad as you think. But you do need to take care of yourself and get some extra help if/when you need it. Hope you feel better soon. ((hugs)).

Hi Elsie, thank you for the reply. I've had a lovely weekend off (apart from a bit of essay marking) after the presentation and feel much calmer. Have caught up on sleep which helped! I've still got a lot on my plate but I do have a bit more of a perspective now.

The presentation went quite well, apart from a harsh grilling at the end, my supervisors weren't especially impressed with the professor who gave it. They were pleased with me and others complimented me as well, so I'm pleased that I impressed who I wanted to impress.

I will be doing hardly any paid work over the summer as most of what I do is teaching, my supervisors basically know this and don't seem to have a problem with it. I'm not especially behind at the moment either, I just worry about it quite a lot.

I hope you start to feel better soon as well,

Nx

Ps. have replied to your PM Ady.

Don't worry Bilbo, I know that you are trying to help. I am also quite hypersensitive at times.

What are you researching?. This is basic question. Logic Logic Logic like Location Location Location..:-x

Hi Natassia,
I'm glad you got to have a break, and that your presentation went well. Well done in fending off a harsh grilling!
I know that I worry too much about some things as well, but find it hard not to at times! Not sure what the answer is :p
E