Does anyone suffer from a really unsupportive partner? I’m nearing the end of the funded part of my PhD, and it’s looking more and more likely that I won’t be finished on time. I admit that in the early days of my PhD I had difficulty getting motivated at times, and I often took days off. I wasted a lot of time!

I’ve been warning my boyfriend over the last 6 months that come September the money will run out and I won’t be finished. He seems to think that if I really want to I can finish on time. He doesn’t believe me when I say a lot of PhDs take more than the allotted 3 years. He reckons I should be working all the time to make sure that I finish before the money runs out. I just don’t have the energy to do that. Anyone else suffering from this kind of agro? Any ideas on how best to handle it?

I sympathise. Especially the bit about just not having the energy to work day and night. Years of PhD research appear to drain/squeeze the last bit of energy out of the body. I recently took a week off and found myself too tired to conduct simple mundane household tasks. Regarding the relationsship, this seems like a tricky situation. Especially if the partner is not doing something similar.

One way around it would be to work part time while writing up. A lot of people do this while writing up (I did) and it didn't slow me down too much.

That way you show some willingness to contribute to household expenses, but at get an imposed structure about writing up too.

Is it possible to apply for funding for the forth year? I know in science funding in the forth year is becoming more and more the norm.

Forgive me if its not my place to ask, but what is your partner actually doing while you're working on your PhD?

If my PhD runs over by more than a few months I’ll have to get some form of paid work, even if only part-time. My gripe is that not being in academia he doesn’t realise that the majority (at least at my university) of PhDs take longer than the funded time period. When I try to explain the status quo it ends up sounding like an excuse.


MamboCat: My boyfriend’s a teacher

If he can't cope with a late-running PhD, what will happen in life when things get really sticky?..

Is he the right person for you?

does he often not believe you when you tell him something?

my partner sometimes doesn't believe me until somebody else says the same. but if this happened with important stuff, or after i had reconfirmed that this is actually the truth and that it matters, i'd be seriously put off!

What do you mean aloha, are you suggesting there’s something more difficult in life than a PhD ?

Shani, he often doesn’t believe me. You hit the nail on the head with “until somebody else says the same”. It’s infuriating, and it does put me off. In a nutshell we’re going through a bit of a ‘crisis’ just now. Although I can’t decide if it’s exacerbated by the stress and lifestyle associated with my PhD. I find myself reluctant to make any big decisions during this really stressful time.

I agree with Shani: my bf only took my freaking out about job prospects as more than just self-doubt after he'd read about it himself on the internet. However, sometimes I do read his positivity and encouragement (You can get this finished, you've done so much work, you're so clever etc etc) as pressure (You should be finished etc etc). I don't know if that might be partly true for you?

It's hard for other people to understand because the situation is kind of stupid: why pay someone for three years for a job that might well take four? Why offer PhD places when the job market isn't there to sustain that many graduates? So it looks like we're panicking and exaggerating.

I'm surprised a teacher has so little understanding of the situation. I'm about to hit my grant deadline in Sep too and I have gone into I kind of Zen space trying not to freak out about it. It will take as long as it takes and I'm not going to give myself a hernia over it (I hope). In my case, not only will my husband have to support me, he will have to pay for the part-time childcare that I need to write up at all. So he could be worse a lot worse off. My husband is supportive but I do feel under pressure to submit asap.