Hi guys

First of all, sorry if I'm posting in the wrong area of the forum etc., I know how annoying that can be! I'm looking for some advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation to the one I'm in now - any assistance at all would be great, and having had a bit of a read around this forum, you seem like a friendly bunch! Here goes..

I'm in a long-ish distance relationship with a girl who's really important to me. She's having some problems with her PhD and it's beginning to wear on her a lot. I'm not too hot on the specifics, but I know that the issues she seems to be having involve experiments not working or breeding usable results, and her beginning to feel like she doesn't have very much to work on. She's been meeting with supervisors etc to register her worries and it seems like they're trying to help her, but she still feels pretty negatively about how it's going a lot of the time.

Because, if one of us has a bad day, the other can't just come over at the end of the day with a bottle of wine and just chat things through, or do whatever would make the other feel better for a while, I'm trying to be as supportive as I can and stay in the loop with what's happening with her day-to-day. The trouble is that while I want to be able to understand what's going on, I feel like if I bring it up or ask too many questions about it, I might sometimes make her feel worse about things by accident.

I suppose what I'm asking is, from the perspective of PhD students in relationships, long-distance or otherwise, what you think the best way is to be supportive in a situation like this?

Thank you!

I think most of us access all areas of the forum simultaneously so don't worry about posting in the wrong place.

It's great that you are trying to support your gf, I'm sure she appreciates it. I think what support she needs really depends on what type of person she is though. For me personally, when I am having a hard time, I don't want to talk to anybody. It really annoys me when my friends or my mum call me, say at 9pm, and ask if I'm home - no of course I'm not home, I've told you 20 times I don't get home til 10.30pm every day etc... I know they have the best intentions, but I have asked them not contact me until I'm finished (in the next few weeks) but of course they don't listen, and I know that just means they care.

But most people aren't like me, and I expect other people have different ways of coping. I think you need to ask her what she needs from you, and then provide it. This might not be what you expect, but if she knows herself then it's probably exactly what she needs. Also, she might find it easier to talk to people in her lab about problems, rather than you, because they 'get it'. It's often hard for people that are not doing a PhD to understand what it's like.

I'd agree with TreeofLife, when I'm having a hard time, I find it ok to bitch about it to my workmates. But when I see my partner I avoid talking about it altogether, it's my coping mechanism - if I don't talk about it I can forget about it for a short while and think of other more pleasant things! But other people need to rant - my partner is one of those! They need to just get everything off their chests. Just ask if she wants to talk about it and I'm sure she will tell you. Although you can't just pop by, you can still send things through the post to cheer her up now and then or just send a nice email or text! =)

I myself am in a long distance relationship 4 years into my PhD also having a difficult time with both my project and sometimes my lab mates. When things get really bad I even consider quitting, my boyfriend (now fiance) would support me in whatever decision I made. He said ok well maybe you should look for jobs. I'd look and not see any that I would be interested in, and it would actually motivate me to make my own situation work. Sometimes it takes a lot of negative data to get something that would be suitable for a publication or thesis approval. I thought I had something good and then found another group that had published what my goal was, and then I about wanted to throw in the towel. So yes I'm stuck, and it's really hard not having someone to go home to that's comforting. But try to just be understanding and be empathetic to her situation. Maybe suggest a "facetime " date with a glass of wine or two and let her vent about it. Good luck!

Guys have a tendency to try and fix things, it's in their nature but sometimes all a girl needs is to discuss things with someone who will listen. You don't necessarily need to understand what she's talking about or offer advice but sometimes by just voicing the issues, we can often have a "lightbulb" moment and you will have helped your GF just by accident.

Thank you everyone for your input, it's greatly appreciated. I'm learning as i go with this a little but a lot of what you guys have said is consistent with what's been happening with us since i posted this. I'm learning the right way to be supportive can vary depending on the day, and all your advice has helped me realise that. She's visiting this weekend and I'm looking forward to having some downtime together. Thanks again for your insights!