Hi,
I'm new to this forum, and I chanced upon it while surfing Google for "PhD breaks relationships".

I'm doing a PhD in my hometown, and I live with my family. For the last few years that I've been in the program, I've felt like I had to make a choice between one or the other. It seems that doing the PhD well requires ALL my time, and professors have been telling me that I need to put in 130% of my effort and work 10 hrs a day, 6 days a week.

Lately, my bf has been requiring a lot more of my time - on the phone, hanging out, going on holidays, and because I'm so attached to him, I say yes all the time. He seems to have gotten used to that, but I was really worried for my work and the semester has begun (which means more teaching, grading, research responsibilities) so I did mention to him that I needed a little more time to do my work.

A senior returned from Canada last week and we had a pre-arranged dinner for her to meet with a bunch of other classmates. Unfortunately, my bf asked me out on the same day for dinner and when I said I couldn't, he got mad at me, and now is saying that he's busy whenever I smsed him, and he refused to answer any of my calls. I'm wondering if I did something wrong by rejecting him that day, but I did honestly have a prior appointment...

My grandma too is complaining that I don't talk to her these days (she sleeps with me and I work in my bedroom so when I'm on the computer doing my work, I either get really engrossed in my work or I can't concentrate because she's talking to me all the time).

I'm seriously wondering right now if pursuing a PhD is the right move when it seems to be interfering with my relationships with people. Am I just a terrible time and relationship manager? How do you folks cope?

I got married a year ago in the middle of my PhD despite initially thinking it would be a huge distraction and best left until afterwards. Not so, it was probably the ideal time. Now i'm writing up and I am rather grumpy at times and I often feel pressure to take time off just because my wife isn't working (shes a nurse and does shifts). But ultimately I warned her way in advance of this particular stage and how tough it would be on us both. Difficulty I find is switching off. But you make sure you make time and state it advance. Don't go back on your word once you've made plans.

Thanks for the advice. Most of the time, he doesn't tell me he wants to meet me till the day itself. And often, if I'm working at home, he'll call and say "I'll see you in 5 minutes". Then I'll have to throw aside everything and meet him. After that, I find difficulty switching my mind back to my work because I'd be so tired listening to him complain about his officemates.

sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him. does he understand how important your work is to you? and the need to have time set aside for your work, that he cant expect you to drop everything for him, say you kept turning up at his work, would that be acceptable..!?

i totally agree with phdgirlie. i've always found that guys i've dated during my phd always got so attached and wanted too much of my time and attention. on my side, i also found that i couldn't concentrate coz of all the distractions (wanting to spend all evenings and weekends with me. i work best in the evenings). am the type of person who needs to concentrate 110% to deliver. i can't be on an emotional rollacoater and work. so, i think you should do two things:

1) think about yourself and your working patterns. do you have to work from home? if not, try a library and you won't find your grandma a distraction. alternatively, get up early or work late - when she's asleep. i personally try to be up at seven lately coz i've met this guy who comes to my place immediately after work and am finding that hard to put up with. i've decided that relationships are a no no this year coz am writing up. if you can get your boyfriend to agree to only seeing you in your free time - evening or/and weekends, then i think it can work. it can only work if he's SUPPORTIVE not distractive.

Your bf is acting like a spoilt child. Tell him exactly how he is acting and how you feel about it. He also needs to know that a serious, long-term and grown-up relationship doesn't work like that.

With regards to your grandma, would it be possible to work somewhere else in the house or like suggested above, work at the library?

the people around you seem not to realize what your PhD entails, that it requires serious work. perhaps they see you as a more or less lazy student, who, having no duties all day, might just as well help out here and there and be available for others.
so, you could ask yourself why they have this impression. perhaps you yourself are bringing it across, unconsciously? maybe you tend to devalue your own work. how then should others see the worth of what you are doing? if that is the case, then you could try consciously working on this. if you can really believe that what you are doing is worthwile, and that you deserve some time and space to work on it, it will be much easier asserting this towards others.
sorry if i've over-interpreted.

it seems to me like ur boyf is trying to manipulate u into spending more time with him. he's used to having u around whenever it suits him, but now that u are busy with ur phd and other commitments he cant control how u spend ur time and him ignoring ur calls and sms's is a classic guilt trip so ul feel bad and give in to him.. u havent said how long u have been together or how far into ur phd u are but i think u need to decide what is most important for u right now and be assertive with ur decision.

Ah, thanks a lot for all your advice. We've been together for 5 years, in an on-off sort of relationship but during our "off" periods, we're still stuck together. He's pretty emotional and now that he's not giving me a chance to talk to him and not responding to my SMSes which try to explain my situation, I seriously don't see how I can get through to him. Guess it's kinda hard for me to just say goodbye to him and move on coz of the long duration of our relationship, and the fact that he's my first bf.

Shani: No, you haven't over-interpreted. It's true that they think that because my "work" is flexible, I can do things for all of them whenever they require me to, because I can do my own stuff whenever I am not doing their stuff. They just didn't count on the fact that there are other people besides them who want my time. I'll take your advice to be more assertive over my work, and definitely am going to be less emphatic towards people coz I really have a resource issue!

I found my PhD a big strain on my relationship, and the post-graduation time more or less killed it. As my ex was doing a taught doctorate, hers was more structured and guided and she failed to appreciate how difficult it is to do straight research (I dont think many people grasp it either, and underestimate it) and this was a huge flashpoint for us.

Overall I get the impression that academic life in the 21st century is not condusive towards good relationships for many. It requires lots of time, intense focus and dedication. It also requires you to move around for work, live on temporary contracts, be underpaid and have uncertain future prospects (none of which are particularly attractive to most people).

My advice is to drop the PhD and keep the relationship.