I dont know, why I always end up at the worst end of my life and struggle there. My life has been surprising than a fairy tale so far. I will make it short.

I moved to another country immediately after my marriage, to lead a peaceful and happy life with my husband. After a few years when i got an offer to do PhD with scholarship, my husband supported me with whole heart and I was on cloud 9. It was only 3 hours of drive by car from my home to my university, so thought wouldnt be a problem for us to see each other every weekend. But things never go as we expect and mean while my husband developed and external affair. I really got shattered and coudlnt think of anything other than quitting my PhD to save my marriage. I went back home and stayed with my husband for 4 moths and things didnt change even a bit. I moved to another country to live with my relatives and started to look for a PhD so that I could come out of my personal trauma. Now that I am able to get a PhD in the place I live now, but my husband wants me back and he is seeking forgiveness. Inside my heart I still love him and I know I can only be happy with him. This all took nearly 2 years and all this time, my ex supervisors where really helpful and gave me references which really helped me to gain a scholarship here after quitting the first one. Now that I want to go back and do a PhD in the same place where my husband is, so that we can live together. But I am not sure, how can I approach my supervisors for references again and I really feel terrible about the things happening in my life. Pls advice me on wht should I be doing Please!

======= Date Modified 07 Feb 2012 11:11:38 =======
Hi,

Sorry to hear about the problems in your personal life, I hope they are now resolved.

With regard to your PhD situation, I'm a bit confused - exactly where are you in the application process, i.e. have you been offered a new PhD? Have your ex supervisors already given you a reference?

Or are you saying you applied for a new PhD, then quit it, and now want to apply for a new one?

Either way, all you can do is ask your ex supervisors and see what they say. The worst thing they will say is no, so you may as well just ask! Send them a nice letter/email and explain what has happened. I've applied for jobs/courses with references from ex tutors then not gone ahead and completed, so don't worry. People appreciate that life moves you forwards, backwards and all over the place!

Hope that helps somewhat!

Edited to correct my spelling mistake!

Thanks a lot for the reply Linda, I have been offered a scholarship, but hasnt accepted it yet, becoz all sort of things happening.

I think supervisors are used to providing more than one reference as we don't always get a place first time...

I understand that, but I am worried, due to my emotional vulnerability , I dont know wht they might be thinking about me. They may even consider me as not a good candidate to do PhD

Hey there, don't panic, everything will be alright, things have a way working out, especially if you give yourself time to think about things and make a decision and stick with it. I think that you and your husband should go for counselling or something so that he is given steps on how not to do what he did ever again. Also with regards to your PhD, what if you go back to the other place and you are away from your husband for extended periods of time and he cheats again. Maybe he should move to where you are at the moment, to show how loyal he is and that he is willing to make the effort. Especially since you said you moved back with him and things didn't change. And you already have a scholarship now. You'll be more disheartened if the same thing happens again. Anyway I really hope things work out for you.

Honey_bee, I'd imagine that, as your sups have been aware of the difficulties faced, they'd take that into consideration and not provided you with a bad reference (although in the UK this is illegal so not sure where the law stands where you are).

Just to add, I think K22 has a point, if your husband has cheated on you before, there's a chance he may do it again. I'm not saying that he will, but it is likely that the trust between you two may have been affected and you both may wish to see a counsellor/couples therapist to work on your difficulties. I respect your decision to move closer to him, but as they say 'once bitten, twice shy'.

Whatever you decide, please make sure that you put yourself before anything else.

I didnt get you, sorry. What is illegal in UK ? I had quit my PhD after discussing my personal problems with my supervisor and he himself advised me to leave and stay with my husband for the sake of saving marriage. We all thought that that will help a bit and he advised me to join PhD later in the same state where we are. But I moved to another country as nothing seemed working those days. I applied here and my supervisors were happy to provide me with the references as, I have always been a very good student and hard working. In the first year of PhD itself I have published two first author papers and I was writing my third one when I quit.

I am so passionate in doing my research at the same time I struggle to balance my family life. My husband would noway move to the place where I am as, he is my priority, but I am not his priority. He called me back and I am happy for that, but I dont think he will leave anything for me as I have done.

Hi Honey_bee
I am sorry I don't know how to advice you; as I have not been in this situation.
But I really feel for you. I hope you find a way with this.

Whatever you do, whatever you chose, remind yourself : "does it feel right in your heart and stomach"
by stomach I mean your gut feeling

love satchi