I wonder if i really don't have it in me to do a PhD. I have always liked studying. But with PhD it is leading to too much anxiety and depression. For the last seven years I am trying to battle anxiety. The thing is I don't know what else to do. But the lack of any structure in PhD makes me feel out of control and unproductive no matter how much determination and dedication I start out with. I feel lost, and I feel its just not working out for me. And then I have to battle the depression and then I lose out on time, deadlines loom larger and I have done nothing. Earlier in life when I had to face overwhelming deadlines and work, I would work slowly but determinedly towards it. But here everything seems so infinite and vague and out of control, that I cant structure myself. The idea of finding something , and despite trying one's best not finding it makes me easily frustrated and triggeres the anxiety. I dont understand how I should cope with this. Even though I love the idea of writing reading processing and until MA had little problems because assignments were smaller and there was more definite supervision. Now all i am left with is feeling lost towards a goal. and completely crippled.

Hi there..:)

I know what you mean about the unstructured format of a PhD. I developed depression a year and half in my PhD due to the workload/ridiculous hours/unwarranted expectations from seemingly everyone who expects you to have your nose in a textbook/testube for most hours of the day, only to look up for some air.

After I got really depressed, I cut off any personal feelings I had for my work (I worked like my life depended on it, I got really ill, and my colleagues would mock me for it - yeah they all suck). I came to the conclusion, it is JUST work. That's it. I gave myself a 9-5 week, outside those hours the work/supervisor/colleagues/university did not exist. I refused to speak to/acknowledge anyone outside my set working hours. Maybe you could try giving yourself some similar working structures? And, I found that this was important for my health - give yourself the time to forget about work. Maybe you could try to diminish the importance you might be giving it?

Your story sort of hit a nerve with me. I hope you're ok!

How about seeing your work as a group of hills instead of seeing it as a mountain? You are panicking. That is your problem. You are not lazy, you have not lost your enthusiasm, your problem is the panic! Sit down and work a little bit every day. See your work in chapters. Chapters that have the potential to be linked together. Think of your PhD as 8 masters degree dissertations. You have written a masters dissertation before, you know it's doable. Now sit down and do this 8 times.... 80.000 words. I know it's easier said than done but you have to find a way to overcome your fear!

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