======= Date Modified 29 03 2009 01:03:10 =======
Hello All,


I am new to this forum and joined because I really need to vent to people who understand how stressful getting a PhD is. I'm the first in my family to do this. I am a Canadian who is studying online at a university in the States. I am working full-time, studying full-time, and paying extra because of the exchange rate. My parents are happy, in fact, most of my family is happy, but NO ONE seems to understand when I say I am stressed or I am tired. My nephew comes over every other weekend and sleeps over because his father rents a room not an apartment. Unfortunately, because I live with my parents, he becomes part of my responsibilities. I can't move out, because I can't afford it, and everyone thinks I should be fine with it because he's my nephew. I'm not! He interferes with my weekends, which are important for my studies not to mention my sanity.


Between the stress at work, the stress at home, and the stress being caused by my family, I am ready to CRACK! I want to scream at everyone, but know that will just make me the bad one. If I hadn't spent so much time, sweat, and money on this degree, I think I would quit. Just quit. I'd like to see the look on my elders' faces if I did so. What can I do to make them realize that getting a PhD is not like getting an MA, a BA, or a BEd (my other degrees)? I really don't think they get it.


Thanks for letting me vent,


Claire.

hi claire I get a lot of stress from my family too. In fact, the BULK of it comes from my son. If we chat online, it can go from 30min to a couple of hours, just going on and on about the same thing. I say yes, he argues, I say no, he also argues. Every single thing I saw will be returned with a caustic, negative reply. I can't turn away from him (online) because I dont want to lose contact with him. He is a teenager (ok I'm an old lady) and I dont want to lose him. At the same time, I need to keep my sanity, and when depression gets the better of me, I find myself crippled, I cannot think properly and I cannot do my work.

I could tell you about the rest of my family, but that is not the point here.

If you cant move out, the only thing you can do is to go to the library when your nephew is around. You can also put a sign on your room door "NEPHEWS NOT ALLOWED TODAY--because your aunt needs to do her homework" when you are working at home. Are you also burdened with stuff like housework, laundry and cooking? Ask your mum to take over these, because you are working and studying and doing everything fulltime. Your family will gradually understand.

Hi,

Sometimes it is not enough to just say to your parents/friends/partner that you're tired and expect them to understand. I've learnt that with my partner. I was (still am) stressed and often easly irritative and it was effecting my work, my relationship and myself. I also have other responsibilities: I teach part time, I spend quite alot of time with students when they need help, I cook and clean the house and take care of my dog and my partner :-) What I would suggest is that you have a proper calm discussion with your parents. Explan to them what is your PhD about and how much time and attention you need to dedicate to it and how you would appreciate if they understood you a bit more and offered support. You can then mention you nephew etc. I am quite certain that it will bring about some good changes :-) Good luck!

You say you are the first one in your family to do a PhD (+ you are working full time!) So, although you tell your family you are tired and stressed etc, they might not truly understand just how stressed you are. I agree with the previous poster that you need to sit down with your family and tell them in a calm, non-whingey way, just how difficult it is. You have to tell them what's in your head/mind/body so they understand where you are at, and appreciate how challenging it is to do a good job a PhD. I am sure they will understand. Best of luck.

Thank-you, everyone, for your suggestions! I have been talking to my parents, but maybe I need to try and do so when I'm not stressed or angry. I also like the sign idea. I've thought of it, but haven't done it. The kid's five, so he'll probably ignore it anyway (he can't read). It helps knowing that others have gone through this.

Claire

Hi! ( Olivia reappears!) I can so relate to the question. I started my PhD distance learning in the UK, while I was in the US, and was working a full time insanely stressful job. People did not seem to understand my need to STUDY in every spare moment I had. The stress did get to me, yes! Its a hard situation. I told people that I was studying, did not answer my cell phone in the library while I was working, and if they wanted to see me, they needed to plan ahead, that the ability to do anything at the spur of the moment was gone. Some got it, and planned breaks for me, to meet, cup of coffee, healthy lunch, evening snack, something, that worked around our schedules. Some did not get it. Family--I had to tell them even if they did not understand what I was doing, they needed to understand it was important to me, and respect what I was doing. They eventually in the end got it as well...and I finally decided I did not have time to worry about how others were dealing with my study, I just got on with it. Can you find a place to study out of the house? Library? Coffee shop? Park? Pub? Friends house?

Negotiate some thing with parents, and say you can watch nephew for a few hours on the weekend but no more. And put your foot down....tell them how much more pressure they add to what you are doing, and how hard you find it to cope. They owe it to you to help you find a balance.

A PS in the end I could not manage it all and moved to the UK to finish up! A move I will never regret! Is there funding that you can find to let you make that an option? I don't know what the Canadian government has, but the US government has a student loan programme that made my move possible. More debt is not that great, but it was the least bad option.