I'm struggling a bit at the moment - I'm writing up, need to finish by end of September (I'll then have been four years) and, although I know I've done well and achieved a lot, am finding it hard to cope at times. What makes things worse is that I was seeing a university counsellor, although I had to leave before Christmas as the sessions were limited and she'd already given me more than I was 'officially' entitled to, by seeing me during the undergraduate holiday periods when I tended to be around for some of the time. I did email the service asking if I could go back on their waiting list to see her (as she'd told me they don't turn anyone anyway) and they said yes, but then I received a call today saying they were too busy to see me - I could refer myself again during the summer but I wouldn't be able to see her as 'it obviously hasn't worked if you still need help after so many sessions'.

I can completely understand that they are a busy service and six sessions is the most I'd get in most NHS places (which is why I emailed them to check - apparently there was a misunderstanding and the person who said yes was someone temporarily covering their admin). But surely counselling is different for everyone and it's perfectly acceptable to need more sessions (even if these can't be provided)? I feel really down as I found my last session really hard and can't believe I'll never see my counsellor again. Also, I felt like I was 'right in the middle' of telling her personal things, which have been whirling round in my mind ever since, as there's noone else I can talk about them with (nobody knew I was seeing a counsellor). Perhaps I should have just 'got on' and not seen a counsellor at all, if I feel like this now...

Hey Anon,

I'm not sure how it works at your university, but I know at mine, university counsellors only offer a few sessions and then are expected to refer you to a private psychologist if you need additional support.

I saw a psychologist for about 3 years off and on during my PhD study, but this was a private one that I claimed rebate back on. You might be better to go to your GP and get a referral for one not associated with your university. This way, you might be getting the support you actually need and can see this person for more sessions than what the university will provide.

You might have to pay but I can tell you it's worth the money, at least for me it was, but I was referred to a good psychologist who took the time to work with me and didn't write me off after each session, which I find university counsellors might (MIGHT) do. Instead, she gave me worksheets and other activities to complete, and it was a progress based style, not "see someone for x amount of time and then be better after coming out,' Real therapy doesn't work like that, but I find in general, the uni systems in place for this can be like that.

In addition to what @awsoci suggested about seeing a private psychologist and if it applies you might want to consider other resources your university provides to reduce the pressure from issues other than personal ones. For example at my university, there is a centre that helps you with writing and getting organised about your studies, another gives you free legal assistance. There might be centres for equity, international students, student welfare, student loans and so on.

Thank you both so much for your replies. The uni counsellor that I saw did actually did suggest that I seek counselling elsewhere and I found a local charity that offered counselling for a very low cost. The lady there was okay but I felt a bit reluctant to 'get close' to anyone again and it didn't help that she knew absolutely nothing about PhD study whatsoever so I felt like I was just having to explain what a PhD was for most of the sessions. Also, I don't think I'm very good at talking about my feelings - i've tried counselling before, but it didn't work as well as with the uni counsellor lady (I've read up a bit on 'transference' and think that's what I'm going through - I think about her all the time and keep thinking about things I want to tell her. Also, I'm really embarrassed about how I acted during my last session, I just felt so upset that I'd have to leave but I hope she didn't take it personally. I've even thought about emailing her a 'good bye' but then I got her a card when we ended it the first time and don't want to look like a stalker!). I ended it with the charity counsellor after a few sessions, although I'd consider going back to see her if I keep feeling this way, but I feel like i've been in counselling nearly three years on and off (I originally saw the university counsellor back when I started the PhD for 8 sessions, then went back a year later and she saw me for six sessions regularly and then just during the undergraduate holiday period) so maybe I should give it a rest and just 'be my own counsellor' like the lead counsellor said. It's just it's a really busy time for me with finishing the PhD, trying to look for a job and I need to move house by September as well.

Hi Anon

First of all, well done for posting. It can be hard to reach out, but you're doing the right thing to help yourself.

I struggle(d) a lot with stress/depression/anxiety throughout my PhD/life. I'm also nearing completion (submission by 1 July). I attended counselling sessions in uni too, which I found to be really helpful because (as you said) they understand more about the PhD process.

When I finished my allotted number of sessions with my uni counsellor, she did say that I could email her at any time if I felt I was struggling. Now because you had a difficult last session (which I don't think you should worry about at all btw), your counsellor may have not had chance to offer this. I'm not sure if this is a regular thing or just something they do at my uni. I don't see any harm in you sending her a brief email, thanking her for all her help and asking if you could keep in touch. Do be prepared that she could say 'no' though, and that would probably be governed by the uni guidelines. Think about how that would affect you first and make your decision from there.

If maintaining contact with her isn't an option, then I really think that you should seek help elsewhere. I've also had private therapy and I cannot explain how much it has helped me at various points in my life. I believe that I could only start to 'be my own counsellor' after I went through some proper sessions where they helped me to recognise the emotions/thoughts and understand the processes I can use in dealing with them.

Yes, it can be hard to trust, but at this stage: finishing phd, looking for a new job, and moving house - some of the most stressful things we can do in life, I think it's really important to have coping mechanisms and someone to turn to if things get really rough.

Good luck and take care
g

Hey anon,

One of the issues might be that you keep going to a counsellor, as opposed to someone whose more qualified to handle your situation. If you go to your GP and get a referral, they'll refer you to a psychologist (and in dire circumstances, a psychiatrist). Counsellors are not generally trained to handle long-term treatment for mental health, and should be referring their clients to professionals. University counsellors are really only there for short term issues like assessment anxiety, and are supposed to be able to direct students to appropriate services.

Counsellors are great for short term (i.e. one or two sessions), but for long-term issues you're better off with a qualified and accredited psychologist, who will work with you closely on retraining exercises and coping methods. Many psychologists have MAs or PhDs and some have experience in Academia through teaching and research as well as private practice, so they have a much more intimate understanding of what you go through than a general charity counsellor.

I also disagree with that counsellor's comment about you being your own counsellor, that was unprofessional of her, and I wouldn't make excuses for how you act if your mental state is unwell/not where it should be. Mental health can and does severely impact on how we interact and behave around people. She should have referred you properly to a psychologist who is much more qualified and trained to work with people with mental health issues.

I've linked you to a pdf (sorry it's based in a gender/sex premise but gives an overall idea) of the differences between counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists

http://gendercentre.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/psych-counselors-whats-the-difference-update-2014.pdf

Thank you all so much for your replies (I've got so much more help here from an online forum than I did from the lead counsellor!) I also felt that she was being unprofessional - if she'd have just gently explained that they are a very busy service and they couldn't accommodate my needs that would have been fine (and that's why I emailed in the first place and I do remember my counsellor saying that the service would always be there for me and they don't turn people away) but it was like she was angry with me. She just said I should use the strategies from my previous sessions and that it obviously hadn't worked if I still felt like I needed to come back! But that's the point - I felt like it was working really well and that's why I'm struggling now I've stopped it! The lead counsellor said I could fill in another form during the summer when they're quieter but she'd give me another counsellor as it obviously hadn't worked with the first one (when it did and I don't know if I could talk to anyone else like I did with her and I feel like she just thinks I'm a bit of a nuisance and too reliant on support from other people).

I've now re-contact the other service that I was using, asking if I could have some more sessions. They haven't replied yet but I can't see it being a problem and I can then go back to fortnightly appointments. The counsellor is nice enough and tries her best it's just I'm really not very good at talking to people about my problems, which was why the other counsellor was so great as she was easy to talk to. It's a bit worrying how much i miss her - I almost feel like i've lost a friend, although I know that's wrong. I think ... continued on next post...

...continued from previous post... about her daily and for the first week after finishing seeing her my appetite even changed, sometimes I dreamt about her and I felt like crying all the time. Maybe there's something wrong with me or something and I am too attached - it's just I don't really have that many close friends and she was close to my age and sometimes I thought we'd get on really well if we met in another context (although I do realise it's her job so she tries to build rapport with all her clients - I might be completely wrong).

Glowworm, thanks for your response but I think I should cease contact completely with my past counsellor now. I did ask via email after the last session if she'd be willing to see my privately as she also has a private practice but she politely explained that they are not allowed to take on clients they've seen at the University. I think that if I had any more contact with her it potentially might make it even more difficult to separate fully from her and might possibly breach ethical practices. Also, the way the lead counsellor spoke on the phone I'm not sure if it's her who decided I wouldn't see the counsellor I had before, should I re-refer myself back during the summer, or my old counsellor herself. If it is my old counsellor, maybe she felt that it would be too hard for me to see her during a short period of time, in the long run.

The last thing that I want is to become overly dependent on other people to sort out my life, which is why I'm a bit reluctant to continue with the new counsellor. Also, sometimes i feel okay. I think I've done well and I have made good progress with the PhD and overcome a lot of the past difficulties I've had. Still, it's worth a try...

Sorry to bring an old thread back up, it's just that it's now been about eight months since my last session with the old counsellor, yet I still miss her and think about her on a daily basis and I'm worried that there's something wrong with me. I decided not to go back to the other service in the end, as I never felt like the counsellor there understood me and, actually, things have been pretty good the last few months. I'm stressed but also excited about the prospect of finishing my PhD and actually feel proud of myself and like I've done well. Therefore, I think I probably don't need counselling any more, yet I still desperately want to see her, even though I know that's wrong...

Are these feelings normal? A big part of me wonders if the counselling actually just made things worse as 1. It made me too dependent on someone else 2. I miss her so much now I can't see her and 3. I keep reiterating things we said in the sessions we had together and thinking of things I wished I'd said. I also can't help thinking of traumatic events from my past but the thing is, this only started during our sessions and after we finished our sessions together so I wonder if bringing these issues up actually made them worse, especially as I did not have a chance to resolve them during therapy as we had to finish.

One thing I have considered is sending her a thank up email, once I have had my viva and (hopefully!) passed my PhD... I think that might make me feel a bit better as it might give me some closure. I feel bad because I think I was actually a bit rude to her during my last session, simply because I was finding it so difficult to say goodbye. Or maybe that's too over the top (I've already given her a thank you card).

Hi Anon,

Your feelings, while very natural when we feel we get close to someone, are also not appropriate. I think your counsellor refusing to see you picked up on this, perhaps using the 'busy service' as a way to let you down gently.

I recommend against emailing for the sake of closure. You cannot seek closure from someone else, you have to seek closure on your own for it to be truly effective. You cannot expect her to give you closure, and while you think you might feel better after emailing her, what this might only do is exacerbate your need to see her even more, and keep you 'hooked' on how you feel.

As I've said before, a counsellor is not a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. While traumatic events were brought up, they do not have the training for long term treatment. You really should see your GP and get a proper referral to someone who is trained appropriately, and who can offer long-term therapy. The school counselling is only meant to be a stop-gap, something to keep you going, or to refer you. You should have been referred to a proper psychologist or psychiatrist. Talking about traumatic issues will make you feel worse before you begin to feel better, and I would really urge you to think about a long-term option.

I did psychology for an eating disorder during my PhD, I now see a nutritionist once I finally felt ready to. But that could not have happened with the 2+ years of psychology treatment.