======= Date Modified 28 42 2009 21:42:20 =======
Hello,

I started my full time, self funded phd in september. I'm really enjoying it, my supervisors are supportive etc. My main issue/concern at the minute is unsupportive family members. My partner is supportive as he is studying too - we have no children so can dedicate a good deal of time to study. I also work part time.

But some family members and some friends just don't seem to appreciate how much time and effort my phd takes. I've noticed that the more time in to my phd, the more unreasonable their demands are getting, and its causing me stress (that I don't need).

I have talked to them repeatedly -trying to explain, and constantly say no to them, but it just seems to be getting worse. They have never worked or studied. I don't think they understand at all.

Any suggestions? anyone have a similar experience?

P

(snowman)

Hi Paige,
Gosh, I really sympathise with you. I also had completely unsupportive families (my own as well as the in-laws). Most of them were dying for me to fall flat on my face which if you read my other recent post on this site - I did.
My advice is that this is too important for you to sacrifice to fulfill your family's and friends whims. They don't understand that this isn't just a course you're doing but a full time job. Explain that this is very important and that your future may well depend on it - if that doesn't work, just distance yourself or get someone to mediate between you. They may well come round. Good luck

hi Paige I have been there. But mine was with my own family, not family members or friends. I had a lot of problems with my husband when I started but that was when I did my first degree. I also had a lot of problems with children and coping with their activities, school, fetching them, getting them ready etc. etc. Also because my husband said I was not a good mother, always dumping them with nanna. Finally by the time I started my phd everyone seemed to have settled into their own routine and accepted my "phd-ness". Definitely not easy. Don't be discouraged because eventually they will come round.
Satchi

Hi Paige, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. I'm going through something similar with my family but its kind of the opposite - I'm distracted from my work due to family problems and they're all on my back to get on with it, however they don't really seem able to understand how difficult it is to study effectively and produce good work when your mind is elsewhere.

You said that you were doing a full-time job and a full-time PhD - that sounds like a really huge and difficult workload that is bound to stress you out, even if you really enjoy it. Is there any way you could go part-time with either the job or the PhD so that you would have some more time to yourself?

I don't want to show any preconceptions about your stress levels, only you know them, but I would imagine that you're feeling quite stressed out about your workload - could that be influencing how you perceive your realtionships with family members; is there a possibility that you think they are demanding too much of your time because you feel so short of time anyway?

It is really difficult when they don't really understand whats involved, they probably feel a bit lost now you don't have the time for them you did before. They will just have to accept it though, and I'm sure they will eventually. Nx

Thanks for the advice - its great to know people have been through the same thing. I study full time and work part time btw, that was my mistake in the previous post. It is a lot, but my family aren't a fan of my independence and I know they'd love nothing more than for me to move back home and be a full time wife & mother. I have only been studying for a few months, so hopefully if I stick to saying no to them, eventually they will understand. I am committed to whatever it takes to pass, and if they do continue to sabotage my efforts, I will distance myself further - not only for the phd but for my own wellbeing! It's not a nice decision to have to make, but sometimes thats how its got to be.

Hi Paige,

You mention that your family have neither worked nor studied? Am I right here...or did you mean study and just work/study combination? However, whatever the situation, whether they have held jobs or not...certainly from what you have said they have not studied and would have no 'real' concept of what studying entails...much less the comprehension of just what a Phd really means and demands. Part of their difficulties may be with some residual anxiety and even perhaps some mild envy about your study and how this takes you into a completely different world to your family. I know that you won't abandon them and they may have been reassured about this by yourself on many times when you have been saying 'no' and setting your boundaries with them.

However, underneath, make no bones about it, your completion of this will mean that while you may always love your family and spend time with them doing family things in the future- you will be a different person at the end of this process and you will not really be part of your families "world" anymore. It will be like you visit it...

However, this has just got to be...you cannot stop yourself from developing and growing as a person, intellectually, emotionally or in any other way, just to keep your family comfortable. And the bottom line is, if you did, they wouldn't thank you for it or appreciate it anyway...they would just take it for granted, in the way that families tend to and you would always feel regret.

You just have to tough it out and keep setting those boundaries. Think about your own feelings here though and not those of your families. What would make you feel better while you are going making this journey and feeling those family ties of guilt and obligation and love create tension between you. Maybe make an effort to remember birthdays, send little thinking of you cards, make an effort to have a regular visit (even a very brief one) for coffee-or if you need to see them less (for a variety of reasons) make a 6 month special meal together or something...anything-just a gesture that lets them know you care but are not going to stop your own plans no matter what they do. Then leave it up to them to see how they respond...they may respond well...chances are they won't though...and if that happens you just have to be resigned and be the bigger person. (This has happened with my own family -not children-but siblings, etc).

I would also agree with one of the posts below (sorry op-can't access your name here on reply board), if things are too much for you, you might be able to go one of your full-time things (job or Phd) part-time to give yourself more time and space...NOT though for your family. Cheers- I think the other posters have all given good advice btw...so hopefully this will all go to show you that you are not alone or selfish.

Hi Pjlu,

Thanks for your reply, it was very helpful. My family have never worked or studied. All the women have been full time housewives and I'm the only member of my family to go to university. I am also the only member to have left the country to start a new life elsewhere which makes spending time with them difficult - the time to travel is expensive, long and tiring. But I do think you're right about the envying and distancing from them - just from some things that they have said recently. I'm studying feminism as part of my phd, so its in complete contrast to how they live their lives and their beliefs. I am going to keep my boundaries, and do what I can but not chase after them (they can be very emotionally manipulative). I feel like if they really cared, they'd want me to do well and support me. So I'm trying to think about that when I start to feel guilty.

Hi Paige

Doing a PhD can make your family envious and resentful if they don't understand what's involved. I tell family members who don't know what a Phd is that it's like writing a non-fiction book that I've researched all myself - people can understand this. And studying feminism will also alienate them, especially if they're stay-at-home mums. I studied women's studies for many years and my family used to delight in baiting me - coming out with feminist thoughts and concepts can be really challenging to those who are accepting of a traditional culture. But keep going and learning, it's worth it! Good luck.

Hi ! Hang on in there is my advice and remember all the reasons why you want to complete! My family cant relate at all to what I am struggling with - they seem to believe I can switch the ability to write on and off... in reality it takes me often a week to get going with it all again... but as I persist it comes... good luck!

Hi Paige,

Well, from all the comments here (of which I am adding another) you can see you're certainly not alone! I come from a similar background to you, none of my family work or have studied; in fact both my parents left school before they were 15 and have both been unemployed for a long time! When I first went back to uni to do my undergrad they were quite unhappy that I was giving up work, and spent 3 years calling me lazy!!

I'm not sure where I got my PhD-genes, but I realised that family can mean more than the people you are related to by blood. My friends, boyfriend, and cat are all part of my family, they're the people who I can talk to about PhD-ing. The ones I'm related to genetically I talk to about other things, always taking time before I call (I also live a long way from them) to think about things I've been doing/tv I've watched/non-PhD work/boyfriend stuff/etc so that I can talk to them about things they can relate to.

It can still be difficult, sometimes I feel that I'm patronising them, sometimes they accuse me of being big-headed or of having become "posh". I bite my tongue knowing that I am making opportunities for myself that they never had and don't understand, and that the person I was when I left home to study for my undergrad was just as angry at "the privileged kids who go to uni".

As well as taking a bit of time to think of things to talk to them about I use the paid-work lie - if I'm too busy with PhD stuff to call/visit/email, I drop them a quick line to say I have to work overtime at my job. Again, this is something they understand, rather than my PhD which isn't.

I've got a much better relationship with them now that I call my mum to talk about the family I hope to have "one day", tv soaps, and asking her how to cook a joint of meat or the best way to get stains out of the carpet etc (I actually keep a pretty spick-and-span house, but it makes her feel like I still need her, and stops her feeling inadequate about her lack of intellectual knowledge) And to my dad I talk about the nights out I've been on lately, films I've seen, music I'm listening to (leaving out the wine bars/sub-titled world cinema/classical that helps me study!)

Essentially I lie to them, and justify it to myself by insisting that I'm just reinterpreting my world into something they understand. It's probably not the healthiest of family relationships, but it works for me!

Good luck,

Doll

Hi Paperdoll

Thanks for the great suggestions! I'd never thought about saying that I'm working overtime instead of phd - i do say i'm studying and it has little effect (they come over, call me, talk throughout etc) but if I state I'm working they do seem to give me space. genius! I'm definitely going to try that! Also, asking for cooking suggestions etc will go down a treat, I think my mum's starting to feel a little redundant in my life, so asking for something that she can help me with will probably do wonders for our relationship too.

:-)