I'm in a long, long corrections phase at the moment after a viva that didn't go well at all. I came to the realisation recently that I fundamentally do not actually believe in my work, and that so much of what I've been doing for the past few years has been blagging and trying to persuade other people that it's valid and contributes something when it isn't and doesn't.

I sort of thought this was normal to feel insecure, so I brushed it off. But surely it can't be normal to feel that your work isn't actually valid or making any kind of contribution? That you can't actually do anything with it except scrape a pass on resubmission? The next stage of an academic career demands that I get publications out of my work - but how can I do that if I don't believe in it?

It could be that you know you genuinely aren't good enough to be a good researcher (the vast majority of people fall into this category) or it could be imposter syndrome. If it helps, it's worth pointing out how few researchers genuinely are doing worthwhile research. Have a look around you at the work of others. How many are truly changing the lives of anyone else or doing vitally important work? If you find more than a handful you are probably not looking hard enough.
You will know if others see value in your research when you start applying for postdocs or funding. You might want to consider reserving your own personal judgement until then. At least that approach might buy you some time.

I don't expect my research to change lives. But I am not actually sure it really does make a contribution to knowledge, or that I actually truly believe the argument that it makes. I believe I can tick enough of my examiners' boxes to get the PhD passed, but I'm not sure I can publish anything with it if I don't actually believe in it.

Hi Ciniselli, For now I'd say just get the corrections done. Think about whether you can make a publication or two after it's all out of the way - when your head is clearer and that's your main focus. Well done for getting this far - good luck in the final lap! : )

speaking from my personal experience and looking at my friends' experiences, I can say that as a generation we are quite consumed by the words such as 'contribution' and 'meaning' and 'believe'. it's quite normal to feel insecure and question your actions and thinking. try to remember what was the thing that made you start believing in it at the first place. working on reviving that passion might just be the key.

Thank you for your replies everyone, I do appreciate it.

Unfortunately, I can't shake the feeling that this isn't just normal exhaustion or anxiety. I used to be really excited about being a historical researcher, but I don't actually think I am capable of doing the things that researchers I admire do. My project really isn't very rigorous and doesn't hold together at all. Every time I sit down to work at it, I become quite miserable and distracted, so the pace of the corrections has become glacial. Furthermore my university has turned me down for more teaching work because I am too experienced, but I can't really get anything else because of where I am with the PhD. I have no idea whatsoever how I am supposed to turn this work into publications. I certainly can't see any way that my work will stand up to further scrutiny if I don't actually believe in it myself.

I think this might have to be where I get off the academia train and try to find something I'm actually good at. I will plow through the corrections and try to make the next 6 months or so as bearable as possible. But for academia I really feel like I'm backing into a dead end that I don't have the right skills or capabilities to get out of. I started my Phd when I was 23, and I'm now 28. By the time I actually receive it (if I even do) there's a good chance I'll be 29. I've given this thing most of my 20s and I don't want to throw the best years of my life at something I don't actually have the aptitude for, however much I love it.

It's a hard, hard, realisation but that's just how it looks to me.

What makes you think your best years are your 20s and 30s?
Honestly, that is a very odd thing to be thinking. Assuming you are reasonably active until you are about 80, you are less than 9 years into an active adult life of 60 years. Around 15%. Its a bit early for all this doom and gloom.

As for the rest of your post, in my opinion, you worry way too much about what people think of you and your work. You need to be thinking about yourself only.

Enormous damage is done when you consider things like "contribution" and "meaning" in terms of what other people think and how they judge you. When you find meaningful work for example, most people consider things like medicine, charitable work etc. but that is a route towards living other people's dreams for you. What you do must be meaningful to you - possibly only you.
Evidence of this damage is seen with the first poster who is so obsessed with what other people think of their work that it is making them seriously unhappy.

Hi Ciniselli

It sounds like you've been reflecting a lot and reached this conclusion at the present time. I hope this makes you feel more confident about moving forward. Perhaps you will find a fulfilling role doing something related to your field of interest. There are some people who have doctorates and yet who have research assistant positions that they are overqualified for on paper. Or maybe you will try something completely differently and keep your passion on your topic alive as a hobby. Whatever you decide - you are still young! Don't write off your life or the past few years of your life...! All the best in finishing your corrections.

Tudor

I feel I should probably say that I don't consider the past 6 years to be worthless at all. I learned a new language, I married someone I love very much, and my personal/family life really is quite happy. I also learned a huge amount about I culture which fascinates me. All of those are to some degree or another linked to doing a PhD in the place I chose to do it. What I'm struggling with is whether it's really possible to advance in academia when I don't believe in my work.

If I truly did believe in my work myself, yes, that would be enough for me. If I really thought it was interesting, compelling, or even beautiful, then it would be different. But the simple truth is that I don't, and I can't force myself to believe in it. I thought this was normal insecurity for the last 5-6 years but recently I've realised that I fundamentally don't think that I've produced something that is good. I'm also not entirely sure I am capable of it either.

I appreciate that line I gave above about "the best years of my life" was a bit melodramatic. I'm sorry for the overstatement, it was childish and simplistic. I just mean that I have given this a lot of time and I just don't know that throwing more time at academia is a good idea.

Fair enough. It looks like you've made a decision here in which case best of luck for the future.

Your best years are all ahead of you.

I think you need to speak to a trusted advisor about this. If you do aspire to remain in academia then it is probably important to try and get a publication out of your thesis. Are there some aspects of your work that you do believe in? Can they be pulled together to form a publication? I don't think that a PhD thesis is the be all and end all. I've heard on multiple occasions about academics being mortified at the thought of their PhD theses. The PhD is a training. What have you learn from your PhD? If you do want to continue in academia, what is going to be the best way forward? I don't know what it is like in your field but in mine the normal steps are to do a postdoc and continue to get supervision as an early career researcher. I do think talking to someone in your area and in the know is your best bet. And I'm glad you have all those positive things to point to from the last few years! In addition to successful completion of a PhD once you've done your corrections. Even if you no longer think that what you've done is that great, you will have done it and learnt from it and got your award. That is no small feat.

Hi again Ciniselli
I just wanted to add... you know maybe you are in an awful slump where you really do believe your work has no value. But maybe that isn't actually true. There can be times where it is hard to know whether it is a state of mind or reality... it could be that in a few months or half a year, you see things differently from now. I can think of times when I have felt a certain way and then realised that it wasn't the reality after all.
Good luck