I feel really guilty at the moment. For the past few weeks, I've been totally consumed in my PhD and have given my girlfriend no time whatsoever (we live together). Recently, even at the weekends, I've been sneaking off to my study. Yesterday, I spent all day reading and I felt really bad about it. I think the PhD is taking it's toll on this relationship. I can feel us growing further and further apart as I become more submersed in my work. Has anyone else experienced this difficulty in their relationships as a result of their PhDs? I don't know what to do. If I'm feeling this urgency to work, I don't want to stamp it out because of feelings of guilt. But then again, I don't want to just watch my relationship deteriorate all because of me! Help!

Hi there.

I would suggest you make sure to keep some "her" time. Like, an evening per week, just the two of you (no friends, no phones, no papers or books in sight and so on), going to the restaurant or to see a movie, or whatever SHE likes best, or better still: something different each time, and above all something that YOU initiate, for her.

Been there.. got the T shirt.. when my partner was doing his PhD, I was really upset about how little time we spent together even though we lived together... he did allocate some 'me' time, however admitted afterwards that whenever he was with me, he felt guilty for not writing up... I wasn't very supportive as thought 'For God's sake.. surely he can give me a few hours?'

Cue me finding out the hard way 2 years later when I was writing up - he was very, very supportive and I felt very guilty for not being understanding over his... I'd certainly suggest you give your girlfriend some of your time, but don't lose sight of your goal.. I'd say Sunday afternoons from 2pm - bedtime and the rest of the week, you work your arse off or something like that.. snatching 30 mins here and there didn't work for either of us as we couldn't 'switch off' so the best thing we found was to visit somewhere for the day and have some exercise and fresh air.

how about have breakfast/lunch/dinner together? you need to do that anyway..

it's a bit like PC-Geek said with me. partner is writing up. about a year ago we talked about taking a week off for vacation. we said we'd do it sometime in summer. well a little later on in the year my partner was getting really stressed because he wanted to submit by a deadline. i saw that insisting on a holiday now would be pointless, and he would not enjoy it. so we agreed that we would go somewhere right after he submits. well, in summer he applied for a job and got it, starting january. there were many other projects that had to be finished before he left his current uni, so he worked hard on them instead of on his PhD. then it was january and he worked hard on his new job. now term and teaching is over he is finally working on his PhD again. he's aiming for the submission deadline a year after the original plan. i'm still saying - after submission, we'll go on holiday!

what i'm saying is: we originally started planning that holiday because we really needed it. now it is a very stressful year later. imagine how we need it now. i firmly believe that we would both have achieved more in that year if we had taken that vacation then.

yes, do follow your urges, when you feel like writing, write! but sometimes, for your own sake, you need to force yourself to take time off. it will be good for your PhD.
that is - do create "her-times". they will not just be beneficial to your relationship. they will also be beneficial to your PhD. and - don't postpone them. if you start postponing relaxation time, you'll never get it.

I can empathise. A simple thing to remember: a PhD is a job. Take time out (unless its absolutely essential) and what finer way than some time with your other half - even a quiet night in with a bottle of wine and a "how was your day?"

hey i also feel like i ignore my boyfriend all the time - he works offshore adhoc so we cant really plan anything and live weekend by weekend. When he is home i normally try finish off stuff ive not managed to do during the day/week. its very difficult not letting it try to take over everything

I think firstly you should talk to your partner about this issue rather than just worry about it. I do think you havge to schedule in time for each other. My husband and I both bring home a ton of work and all our time seems to be stretche dbetween work and childcare with nothing left over. It's getting worse as I'm now writing up and he just got a big promotion (and we're moving house). We keep revisiting this very topic and trying to make some kind of plan to deal with it.

I try to keep Friday night, Saturday night and most of Sunday free - but, for example, that didn't really work this week as he had a majore deadline today and is now in the US - so so no childcare help for me so then I get behind and I will ned to catch up when he gets back and son and on.

Sometimes I wonder if it's only me that feels the strain and the lack of companionship that this is causing but then we talk about and clearly he feels it too. So do talk about it - don't let your gf think you haven't noticed things changing.

The worst will be this year - but of course - if you carry on the pressure never really stops (my husband works more hours than I do and he's not an academic).

We'll just keep trying to plan our time and hope we can get through the year without becoming strangers! I totally know the sneaking off to the computer 'for 5 minutes'. Happens here all the time.

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who is having difficulty negotiating the PhD and a relationship. I'm going to have a chat with her tonight and see how we can go about tackling this. I guess some of the problem lies in the unpredictability of motivation. Sometimes I feel more geared up to work at night when she and I are meant to be 'switching off' (an almost impossible venture for PhD students!) I think she is getting quite frustrated with it all, as even sometimes when we are together, she can tell I'm not there, that I'm thinking about my work.

I'm new here and I only picked this up. I am going through a relationship breakdown and I know that I am not alone. Your PhD is a great test for your relationship and I've learned that from my personal experience.

I don't think you should consider your PhD as a job as if it is not working, you'll be able to get another chance. Your PhD is one off-unless you're a serial PhD student-and your partner should understand how much it means to you. Of course, you have to think about work-life balance, but while you're doing your PhD, I think, it is a difficult thing to get it right. Your PhD is only for a limited period of time and things will change once you've got it. By all means, you should speak to your partner, but it might be a great opportunity to re-examine what your relationship means to you.

Hi Spacey. I am not technically a PhD student, but all being well I will be in September. I split with my gf a month ago (well, more correctly, she split with me). We also had distance to compete with - I was in the Hull region, and she was around Leeds. I think in highensight it was a blessing, as from what I've read on here I'm going to be crazy busy with my work. My supervisor told me that if I don't find time where I can forget work then I won't enjoy it. It's important to take a break every now and again. Can I ask how long you have been together? It's horrible to have to choose between both of them. I hope evything works out well!

I think it's possible to have the right balance between relationships and your PhD. However it does depend on a few factors, such as your supervisor (some say you have to work all hours - others don't), yourself as a person and your partner.

I know some people want to try and spend as much time as possible on their PhDs but you have to try and remember that a PhD is one small part of your life, you will finish your PhD but your family/partners are still going to be there.