Hi everyone.
I've not started my PhD yet, I'm in the process of applying to do a political philosophy PhD at Brighton University. I'm in contact with a couple of potential supervisors and they've very generously agreed to help me write a decent research proposal so I've got a better chance of being awarded funding. I sent my third draft to them today, and before that the last time I sent them anything was before the summer (I currently work in a school so I'm still on the academic timeline). I just worry that I'm not good enough to do this. I want to do a PhD more than anything, I've known roughly what my project was going to be since my second year as an undergrad, and did a PhD preparation module as part of my masters course. However, I also suffer from untreated ADHD, and I'm at the point now where I don't know if my over focus on philosophy is going to be enough to get me through this level of study. I don't know if my brain will let me examine things at the micro rather than macro level. I really struggled on my masters course and I genuinely worry that I will just suck as a PhD student, even though its what I want most in the world. One of the reasons it's taken me so long to get my third draft together is just complete paralysis due to feeling like this. I'm terrified to write in case its no good. I didn't have this problem as an undergrad, I just wrote. But since halfway through my masters (start of the covid pandemic) I've had little to no faith in my ability as an academic or researcher. All my normal coping methods were taken away from me due to lockdown and my work suffered as a result. I haven't written anything academic in over a year now, and haven't written anything I'm particularly proud of since I finished my undergrad dissertation about 4 years ago. Do I even still have what it takes? Did I ever?