arrrghh but then I think about it and feel guilty about it all, he's got an enormous amount to focus on. Why should anyone do my research for me? The problems and threads with my thesis are exactly what I need to figure out myself, and go to HIM when I've actually overcome those problems. maybe it's just self-doubt that makes me want approval BEFORE I do something. maybe.

I feel really guilty now :(

======= Date Modified 29 Sep 2011 15:31:59 =======
deleted -- excessive whinging and self-pity......

I feel really bad about ranting, but I'm starting to feel really bad about my PhD, to the point where I struggle to get up in the mornings. I have my first year review due in a few weeks (actually I'm in my second year, but the review was delayed) and my supervisor won't give me any help with it because he doesn't have time / wants to encourage ownership of my own work. I don't think he even wants to read the form before I send it off, even though it represents 1/3 of the time I've spent on PhD. I feel like I'm literally scraping myself along the bottom of my PhD right now, I am really, really hurt by my sup's behaviour and it makes me struggle to ask for help. I feel like I'm going to be judged as being needy and inadequate if I ask for support. But with a document that includes a draft thesis structure and aims and objectives, I feel really upset that my sup is too busy to even care what I write. I could put down anything and have no idea if it's wrong or not. I've emailed my other supervisor several times and had no reply. I feel bad bitching about my sup because he started off being so supportive. There feels like so much pressure to be strong, driven, independent. Questions that would be perfectly valid and normal in any other workplace are treated like heresy, personal qualities that might be praised and encouraged are treated as if the worst defects in the world. And it's all so unspoken, just subtle sarcasm and invisible hierarchies. What bugs me is that I thought this place would be different. I feel as if it's just me being feeble and weak. What I hate is that everyone always thinks I'm the strong one, or even that I'm unbearably invulnerable and tough, but I feel like I'm falling apart. I agonise whether to just send an email or ask a question, and when I do I feel swamped by stupidity. How can I stand another two years of feeling so alone??

Thanks everyone.

Ginandjazz, uh -- two of those things are part of my problem. I tried to have that kind of personal discussion with my supervisor 6 months ago and it made him pretty uncomfortable. He was supportive until that point and I was left feeling 'weak'. He puts up very strong boundaries about talking about emotional / personal issues and gets irritated if I talk about anxieties or worry. I forgot to mention that I'm already seeing a counsellor outside of Uni. In my department there is a strong culture of low-level sneering at those who are struggling to cope. My supervisor is not a bad supervisor, it's just that we have a bad relationship. Everyone else gets on with him fine (I do believe the problem is me). For that reason, if I tried to get another supervisor (there really isn't anyone else) I may as well quit academia, because he is so well-respected that it would reflect much worse on me than on him.

I've been trying to get a research question for the past 6 months. Everything I come up with, I read another paper which shows it's already been done. The experimental methodologies I come up with seem dubious and time-consuming avenues with no basis in the literature. My sup tells me that I need to figure it out for myself, which is probably true, but I don't see how I can set a research question when I don't even know whether an experimental methodology with no existing literature to support it is going to be so heavily criticised as to effectively be worthless. I don't even know what MAKES a good research question, because every time I ask I'm told to figure it out for myself. Take a big risk or stick to small changes? How am I even supposed to know what's right?

Rum and coke won't work for me; I have a low alcohol tolerance.

Thanks to the other replies too. Sorry for the massive whinge, it's just upsetting me so much.

I guess this is just a vent really. I'm in the 2nd year of my PhD and everything is feeling a bit crap right now. I still don't have a research question, my relationship with my supervisor is quite bad right now and I argue with him every time I see him, and I don't really get on that well with the other PhD students in my department any more. I'm angry so much of the time, I feel so frustrated. I often feel stupid and alone. I don't feel like I can turn to anyone (postdocs, technicians, other academics), because I've asked for help before and been dismissed with vague, generic advice and even hostility on more than one occasion. I'm very quiet at times and find it incredibly hard to talk to people. I live on my own and have lost contact with a lot of my close friends, I've tried to re-initialize contact in several cases but it's become clear that we've all moved on in very different directions. I find it very hard to start new hobbies or socialize more.

I've struggled with depression in the past. Right now I'm taking a lot of care with sleeping properly, eating relatively healthily, looking after my finances etc. I'm seeing a therapist for my social anxiety which is helpful. Unfortunately none of it is enough to stem the slow feeling of being eaten away by a sense of general worthlessness and being utterly, completely unwanted. I do have people who I talk to and go out with, who I'm close to, so I'm not completely isolated, but most of the time I feel pretty alone.

I feel so disappointed and disillusioned, my random bursts of anger or anxiety makes me feel like I'm a horrible person because I'm not coping well. I just feel like my supervisors think I'm not working hard enough or don't have the right personality for academia, my sup. is always praising another girl in my department for how well she copes with her PhD despite how hard it's all been for her.

I had so many ideas about what a PhD would be like, but the truth is that I just feel awful. My project seems so pointless and my work so inefficient. I've had good jobs in the past so it's not that I'm incapable of producing great work. But I feel really awful about both my work and myself as a person and I've got no-one to talk to who knows what I'm going through. I know this sounds so self-pitying and down. I should just get on with it but I just feel frozen. I've actually been trying really hard, but the sense of worthlessness and rejection just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I don't feel this way ALL the time, but it's definitely increasing.

Sorry for the depressing vent :(