The frustrating part is that I when I first raised the alarm, I was told there was no complaints procedure (which I later found out was rubbish). The head of the institute where my lab is based has had plenty of complaints about my supervisor (a woman) but he never does anything about it. One student recently withdrew and changed supervisors. Unfortunately, in my case there was no one who could make room for me, and I did have some reasons for not dropping out and starting again (believe me, they were good reasons). Previous experience with applying for PhDs was downheartening because my grades were fine, but I was always told the reason they didn't want to take me on was because I didn't have enough lab experience (fixed that, I'm doing lots of proteomics stuff, western blots, ELISAs, learning mass spec now). The attitude here is "sweep everything under the carpet and maybe it'll go away". But I did find out about the complaints procedure and who to go to. That did seem to scare the head of the institute a little and he's listening to me a little more. He won't rein my supervisor in, but I know he's on my side. The irony is that NOW my supervisor thinks I've done a good job (so other people in the lab have told me). Nonetheless I had no choice but to write a full grant proposal (not a studentship, a research grant) and learn how to submit it. Whilst it was "good learning exercise, it was a tad distressing to worry about potentially being failed unfairly, writing my first year report and writing and submitting a grant all at the same time!:-s But I'm still here. Tired, jaded, but still here.

They all come from one country. But they've only all been together as a group since they joined this lab. I'm almost inclined to say that the situation verges on the almost clique-y! The first 3 months I found were the hardest. But as time went by, perhaps I just got used to the situation, and I've learnt who to talk to and when it's a waste of time. There are some that quite snobbish. But can't have it all, right? It used to upset me quite a bit that no matter how hard I tried, it was never reciprocated. I like my subject, but I'm a human being too. But I've got hobbies to keep me entertained, support from family and friends at home, so at least I'm not totally and utterly alone. But then I know it's not a good sign that I don't particularly want to come in every day (not because I don't want to work! But perhaps I'm a little fed up).

I started at my university thinking I could have a new beginning, achieve and develop as a person. Frankly thus far it's been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Initially I had no friends (I have 2 now), everyone in the lab speaks a language that isn't English (since the vast majority come from a European country and group together), my supevisor spread vicious rumours about me, bullied me, told me I was going to fail my 1st year (although my 2nd supervisor was quick to assure me that was untrue), has very unrealistic expectations (not just with me fortunately), totally unapproachable and generally made my life hell. I'm struggling for fees into the bargain. The post-docs are not at all helpful. If it wasn't for a dear friend, I probably would have quit by now. It's a very unhappy lab, and believe me, I know there's an appalling amount of lab and indeed playground politics. Once I learnt to take a step back I began to feel a little better. But I've never thought I could be in a place that really changes people for the worse. I can take a joke, but I think I'm entitled to ask dumb questions now without having the piss taken. I've now lost a friend in one of the staff simply because I told them without being rude that there was no need to make fun of me in front of a new member of staff and put me down (which I've tolerated in the past but to embarrass me in front of another staff member was a bit much). I re-iterate, I know what happens if you're rude, and it achieves nothing. I've accepted that it's probably more politics and the environment, but this place honestly makes me question what sort of person I am, can I even cope with the demands of a PhD, am I really so intolerant of people? I'm not the Buddha, but I'm not a rabid nutcase either! As far as I was aware, I wasn't being rude or temperamental. I'm doing my best and I intend to finish my PhD because I owe it to myself, the subject is interesting and I fought hard to get here. But I refuse to be a nervous wreck or get involved in any way with the politics here because that is not what I am here for and it wastes time and energy and isn't good for you. I'm just trying to stay calm, be realistic, don't get involved in drama, and stay human! I'd certainly have thought twice if I had even an inkling of what could have happened when I applied. I think I'm learning to cope the right way but any advice from fellow PhDs is always appreciated!(up)