I'm doing my MSc full time at the moment, and working part time. My life is so busy, generally I can cope with this and my studies are going well so far, but 2 days ago a close family member was admitted to hospital, at the moment it is fairly serious but he is stable, and I can't concentrate on my work at all. I'm trying to read a few papers but its like I'm just looking at the words and nothings going in. Its difficult because my family are trying to help me and stop me from worrying but I just can't help it, and now they're concerned that I'm going to fail my Masters.

I was supposed to go into uni for a seminar yesterday but I emailed my tutor and explained, she was fine about it. I'm really worried about next week though, I'm there all day on Tuesday and Thursday, and for 1/2 days on Wednesday and Friday. I really want to go but as my uni's 60 miles away I don't want to be there if I need to get to the hospital quickly. The 1/2 days aren't so much of a problem but the other 2 days are for an intensive course (had the first 2 days last month), so I really need to be there. I'm meant to be doing a presentation on Wed but its not assessed, and I'm sure my tutor would understand.

I just don't know what to do, and I'm feeling so stressed out. The person who is in hospital doesn't want me to be missing out either, but I'll feel guilty for going unless I know for sure that he's getting better, also if I did go to uni I'd struggle to concentrate and probably end up in tears, I've been so emotional lately.

I'd love to be able to just put all my worries into a mental box and study, but I just can't. Also I'm trying to think of something to say to my tutor when I email him about this presentation on Wednesday. I just feel so useless like I can't do anything, and at my age I should be able to think a bit more clearly. Any advice would be really appreciated, Natassia x

Natassia, I am going to say this bluntly, for that will shake you by the shoulders a bit. Ok? :-)

Stop obsessing with studies. What's going to happen if you don't study for a fortnight? What's going to happen if you miss 14 days of classes and then take two weekends to make up?

Who cares? You. If you get a perspective and try to realise that the ultimate goal is to be a scholar/researcher of some standing, then two weeks of MSc seminars and lectures do not honestly matter.

For a person as committed as you are, and as intelligent, I am hoping much of this above is evident to you as well.



I dont know if you read Harry Potter, but if you do, do note that there is a reason why Harry is the central character and not Hermione. If you havent read it read up the character sketches on Wiki. I spent my entire school colege and uni life being a Hermione. ANd it is only now that I have realised that grades, obsessijng with a couple of wasted days/weeks or fortnights mean *zilch*.

Good wishes for your relative, be by him and above all, get the perspective that a future scholar must develop ASAP.

Hi Natassia

I agree with Bug, your family is your priority at the moment and don't worry about uni for a bit. Whenever I get really stressed and there are different priorities, I think, 'Will this matter in a year?' If not, then I don't continue with that particular thing. In your case, in a year's time, will it matter if you miss a course, which you might have to do later? Unlikely. But in a year's time, you might regret not spending time with your family now, particularly if this situation gets worse.

Take the pressure off yourself. Take time off, tell your sup, and be with your family. Family and friends are important, spend time with them when they need it. Hopefully this will make both you and your rellie in hospital feel better. Tale care.

Thanks for the replies, it really helps to have some honest, straight talking from people outside the situation. I think the reason I'm finding it so difficult is that my mum is going on about me failing my Masters because I overreact in situations like this, and lose my sense of perspective a bit. I know she means well, it is just her way of reacting to the situation we're in but it does put me under a lot of pressure, and I lose confidence in my ability to make the right decisions.

I'm not worried about my main tutor at all, but the professor that is taking the intensive course is quite intimidating and a few students have had problems with her. I think I'll just have to tell her on Monday whether I will be attending or not, and go from there. You're both right though, this isn't really important in the grand scheme of things, also my tutors know me quite well and I am confident that they will support me, I have no real worries there.

Thanks again, Natassia x

I totally agree with what's already been said - what will matter to you more this time next year - that you missed a couple of days and possibly (although I doubt it) annoyed a stroppy professor, or that you weren't there for someone you love?

If they are improving then go, if they aren't then don't - what would you get from the course anyway if you're worrying so much about your relative? As regards the professor - well, even the most stroppy and difficult ones have families, have people they love, and understand what its like to have someone they care about in hospital. They may well get stroppy with the students who don't show and give silly excuses - I don't think that that will happen with you

As far as your mum is concerned - well.... mums do come out with some clangers sometimes (I know, I am one lol). She means for the best and is no doubt trying to motivate you, but if she's anything like mine she'll sometimes say the opposite of what will actually work ;-) You'd have thought having known you quite literally you're entire life they'd know what makes you tick by now wouldn't you :-)

My sincere best wishes to your family Natassia - I do hope that things improve quickly for your relative. Keep things in perspective - your studies are very very important, but your family far more so

Hey chick! Just to echo what the others have said really. Concentrate on your family, you can catch up with the work later- you need to be there for your relative now. You have already said that you can't work at the moment, and I suspect that will not change until your relative is getting better, so I wouldn't put yourself through the added stress of trying to force yourself through your work when it just isn't happening for you. If you really feel like you need to occupy yourself with something, perhaps there is something a bit more trivial and less demanding you can keep yourself busy with? Sometimes when I'm not feeling up to much for whatever reason I busy myself with photocopying or literature searching, reference lists etc....something fairly uncomplicated and mind-numbing! And keep in touch with your tutors etc and let them know what's going on- I'm sure they will be more than happy to give you the time you need to be with your family at the moment, but they won't be able to be understanding if they are not aware of your circumstances. Hope your relative starts getting better soon and that you are feeling as okay as can be expected in the circumstances...look after yourself! KB

Thanks so much Stressed and KB - I wasn't able to visit today but the rest of my family did and I've spoken to the nurses looking after him and they say he's doing really well and that he's getting better - we'll have more of an idea tomorrow when the doctors have reviewed him but they seem quite pleased with his progress. I'm going to see him tomorrow as well.

I think in stressful situations like this I do think of everything else I have to do, and still try and do everything, its like a coping mechanism, a way of clinging onto normality. Its not that I'm selfish (not saying that any of you have implied that), or want to forget that he is in hospital, but I don't want my studies to totally suffer as that would make the situation so much worse as my family would see that as a kind of failure, and the person in hospital wouldn't be happy about it either, he's already told me that I don't have to visit because I'm so busy anyway...its a case of finding a balance that pleases everyone, I know that if I don't go to uni that would only add to the stress levels of the situation.

I've emailed all the tutors concerned so they know where I am if I don't attend, I worry too much about the consequences of not going but its really reassuring to be told that I will be able to catch up quickly enough, I'm sure they've seen many students go through similar things anyway. Thanks again, Natassia x

Hey Natassia, glad to hear that things seem to be getting a bit better and that you are managing to cope okay. Don't worry about what others think- just cope in the way that is best for you. We all cope differently with things- I also like to just keep going with things through difficult times as far as I can. I remember a few years ago right after my nan's funeral I went off into town to buy myself some new trainers. My family thought I was nuts and maybe it was a tad insensitive but I just couldn't sit there in tears and think about things, I had to be up and on the move. It didn't mean I wasn't upset and hurting- I was devastated, but it was just my way of getting through it all. I hope things continue to pick up for you- let us know how things are going. All the best, KB.