======= Date Modified 14 53 2010 09:53:11 =======
I feel like such a screw up. Every time I have an essay due, guaranteed im up pretty much all night, the night before in a state of self loathing, tiredness and panic trying to get it all sorted. I get good results, and am on a distinction at the moment, but I just feel i'm inevitably going to get caught out with it all. I think i'm very thorough, and good analytically. The problem is organisation, its not even as if i leave the essays to the last minute, its just im always adding and adding, trying to construct a better argument, losing sight of things. I never have been an organised person. Ive tried all the making time tables, planning stuff but have never been able to stick with it.

I want to go for a phd, and i work so hard, but i just feel im not going to make it. The other successful students I see dont appear to be messing about the night before, they get their work done when they say they will etc. I'm so floaty and dreamy, and not regulated enough it feels.

I'm not asking for anything here, just wanted to vent. I feel down, sleep deprived and messed up. Why am i even bothering deluding myself that I have a shot at academia. I may as well just coast along and pass, move along and do something else. Go easy on me

Mind2motion you're being far too hard on yourself!
Everyone works in different ways and there is no single "right" approach. If working until late on the last night sets you up for distinction marks then so be it. The problem here seems to be the stress it causes you, not the results you're getting.

I too have spent oodles of time on gantt charts, plans and timetables, to very little affect! Sometimes it really is a case of trying to froce a square peg into a round hole. One option here is to figure out why these plans aren't working; are you're goals unrealistic, do your plans not take into account other work, or do you simply need the last-minute pressure to be productive? The other approach is to find a way of working with your natural tendencies, don't beat yourself up for them but appreciate how well you clearly work in your own way and maximise that. Academia has many faults but it can be wonderfully forgiving of those who work to their own rythm.

From your post I'd say the only thing holding you back from academia is your lack of self-belief, I'd guess that you feel like quitting not because of teh subject matter, but because you've made the process so painful for yourself? If you get good grades, are talented analystically and want to do this - why on earth would you give up and do something else? Get some sleep, cut yourself some slack and stop comparing yourself to others (most of them are considerably less organised than they appear!), you have every right to pursue this.

Hey! Well, the good thing is that a career in research can be quite flexible and allows for different styles of working. To some degree, you have to be well organised and be able to work to deadlines etc, but in other ways you are free to work as you please as long as you get results. Doing a PhD is about getting into a good routine and trying to work at a steady pace and be consistent, but even within this there is room for a huge variation in the ways that people work, and it can be trial and error to find a way that works for you. There is no reason you can't do a PhD- you are clearly good at what you do- so go for it. It sounds like the main reason you would need to change your ways is more to do with how it is making you feel than anything else! KB

hi Mind2motion,
we all have our own way of doing things :-)
For example, if you go to a kitchen, you could have highly disorganized (personally) chefs, nice chefs, grumpy chefs, quiet chefs, loud chefs, smoker chefs, non-smoker chefs, but they all produce very nice food :-)

Be nice to yourself :-) dont feel guilty for being disorganized, just improve wherever you can...

Sometimes you see other students doing well, but in truth we don't know what's going on in other people's minds--

--just like an old asian saying....there may be a crocodile in still waters....
well I dont know how to say it in ENGLISH HAHHAHHAA, something like that

I have also been watching Ratatouille HAHAHHA
Ok I'm off to cook now
have a nice evening
satchi

hello everyone. Thanks for your helpful replies. Yes i suppose i'm being overly harsh on myself. This is a high pressure time with three essays due so its kind of understandable im freaking out a bit.

I just find i'm always underestimating my ability, and that what I produce is never good enough. As it turns out I always do better than expected. Does anyone else get like this sometimes? I guess we're our own harshest critics.

Hi, I'm doing my MSc at the moment and know how you feel, I have a lot of deadlines at the moment and I feel ok at the moment but I won't be next week I'm sure!

If it helps at all I think I am quite similar, I got a First at undergraduate level and didn't think I really deserved it, I really enjoyed my studies and worked hard, but the night before a deadline, I would always be up until about 3/4am, tearful and wanting to quit my degree because I was so stressed and thought I would fail - I certainly wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't really think of 'finishing' the essay, more 'being too exhausted to do any more'. I seemed to think that if the time was there, I should use it. This was not an effective way of working and indeed living, but it was like a cycle I couldn't really stop; I always got good grades from it so there was no real harm done, only to myself as others have said. But looking back on it, the disorganisation that I perceived at the time was probably a sign that I really cared about my work and wanted it to be perfect, I think that could be similar for you. I always started assignments early, but as the pressure increased my confidence in them seemed to decrease.

Also, like others have said, people have different ways of working. A very good friend of mine from my undergrad degree always used to hand her work in early, like a few days before the deadline as she felt better doing that, especially if she had something else on that week. I would hand things in about 2 hours before the official deadline, still shaking with emotion, caffeine overdose and lack of sleep - I used to be in a right state. Neither of us could imagine working how the other did, yet we still got First class degrees, in fact I did a little better than her (we were always a little bit competitive :-)). So ultimately how you work doesn't really matter, as long as you get the grades you deserve and are happy with the work, you should do what suits you; the most important thing is that you look after yourself and try to think positively, try to stop comparing yourself with others. Good luck, Nx

Hi M2M,

If it also helps- there are also different types of organisation. Using examples from myself and all of my three (now grown up) children- we all organise and manage our time very differently. For example- my youngest seems apparently really laid back and disorganised with regard to his work-undergrad studies, assignments and other things-yet over the years, I have recognised that he is actually organised-it is just a more fluid, organic type of organisation-less mechanical than mine (instilled on me by a very disciplined German/English father). He always does what he says he will and it all seems to work, despite my disbelief at times.

If you get them (essays-assignments-whatever) in when you need to then that is fine...all the rest is just personal working styles and individual preferences. And finally, (speaking as one who is apparently marching to a inflexible drum beat at present), it could only ever possibly matter regarding the meeting deadlines bit-if other people are dependent on it-if they are not and it is just you...no problems. But honestly, beating yourself up about these things is never helpful-as others have said you need to be kind (to yourself-as well as others). GTG now (up)

Hey thanks for the responses. I like this forum, the respondents actually provide some helpful advice and it doesn't all descend into a slanging match (i'm looking at you 'the studentroom').

Anyway yes its been a few days since my original post and i'm now in a good position with my regard to my next essay, having endeavoured to learn from mistakes previous. Hopefully i won't have to pull another all nighter.

hii m labanya...........u might need a break....try 2 focus on what u really want 2 do.......what will make u happy a phd programme or something else....try n figure that out first