Hi everyone,

Just thought I'd begin a thread about the way I've been feeling recently. It's almost August which means the dissertation deadline for master's students draws ever closer. I feel like I've been writing mine forever and a day. I'm a slow writer, which is frustrating, but usually fine (my degree(s) are in English I'm used to writing and reading methodically), and I'm not worried about missing the deadline or needing an extension (even though the time limit is increasing my worry somehow).
Everyday when I wake up (and each evening close to bed) I feel anxious about my dissertation. I can't explain exactly "what" it is I am worried about. I have a way to go, but I think I can get done what needs to be done so long as I continue to make progress. I feel like what I get done in the 3 hours a day I work (then I go to work) is nothing. It's dwindled a lot since I first started so now I'm lucky to get 4/500 words done. My brain seems to have stopped thinking clearly. I've has a headache for the past 4 days, feel sick sometimes when I'm in front of the document.
Always it is never enough. Always. I never feel I have done a good day's work, and still, I can't "walk away from it" (physically but also mentally). The thought of it been 'unfinished' is always with me.

I've been going to bed early, between 9 and 10, and still feel like I haven't slept enough. I wish I could just have a good ol' cry and feel some release, but nothing like that comes, just the same 'on the edge' feelings all the time.

I guess I wondered if anyone else felt the same, or had some words of wisdom. I can't name the reason I feel so anxious exactly. I just know I do.

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Stress and anxiety makes me tiered and unproductive - no matter how many hours I sleep, my sleep is restless and I feel tiered the next day. I generally get exactly what you've got when I have a deadline but haven't started the writing process. A day or two after I start, I begin to see improvement in both my mental health and my writing. The later I leave it before I start writing, the longer I have to suffer the anxiety and stress related symptoms you've mentioned. I'm so used to it by now that I've finally cracked it: starting is the hardest part BUT the earlier I start writing the thing the quicker these nasty feelings will go away ;-)

I spend ages and ages doing plans - thesis/dissertation outlines, detailed chapter outlines/plans, plans for each section and sub-section. Every late afternoon/early evening (before I stop my work for the day) I do dedicate an hour to preparing these plans (from about 4-5pm or 5-6, but no more otherwise you'll spend more time planning to escape the writing). That way, I go to bed feeling that I know what I've got to do the following; consequently I'm less anxious before I sleep. Also, doing a plan of what I'm going to write has stopped me getting 'writer's block' or mental blocks - it keeps me motivated because it makes me feel at the end of the day that I achieved something; it also helps me feel that I know what's ahead of me the following day. Of course, I often don't stick to the plan and don't always manage to finish what I'd planned to do either. The point is that planning things the day before has helped me cope with anxiety, stress, lack of motivation, etc. I try to get my plans as detailed as possible: what am I going to write about the following day, how many sub-sections, what's the aim of each section, what are the main things that section needs to cover/deal with, which authors will I be referring to in each section and -sometimes - right down to the page numbers and exact quotes that I'll be putting in these sections. Once you've done this, you've done half of the writing already! The following day is just a matter of fleshing things out :-) With each day passing by, you'll see how far you've come and you'll feel better and better. For example, I first do a general outline (of diss. or individual chapter) as follows:

1......
1.1....
1.2...
1.3
2.....
2.1
2.2
2.3 ...... and so on.

If my aim is to do 1.2 and 1.3, then the day before I'll do a detailed plan of these sections - writing them out would then become my task for the day. If by the end of the day I've managed to do them, then - hurrray! - my work for the day was done; it makes me feel good. I also decide - roughly - the word limit for each section/chapter so I can stop my self going off on a rant. Also, it stops me faffing about the next day struggling to remember what exactly I'm supposed to do/write.

If you're anything like me, then all the symptoms you've mentioned above are related to anxiety about not writing/doing enough on your diss. The quicker you begin to tackle it the better you'll feel. If I could do it, then I'm sure you can too. All the best of luck. (up)

I think that's really sound advice...

I just wanted to say - yep. Sounds familiar to me, too.

I'm also in an eyeball-deep mess of an MA dissertation, and have been trying to do what I think you're saying: 3 hours study/work before going to job/work. It's absolutely crippling anyy creativity. I'd imagine it may be similar for you, studying English, but for me the absolute joy of writing up (in theory) is connecting theories, drawing creative links etc. I just can't seem to do that when I'm so tired, so 'eureaja' moments of real progress seem really far away.

(Pretending that I take my own advice) - are you giving yourself permission to do other completely off-topic things to get your MA work out of your mind? Classics like exercise - even a 15 minute run round the block. Perhaps don't use it TO forget about work, as that's additional pressure. But just pick something that would usually relax you, do it and see if after a few times relaxation actually follows. Then sleep. Hopefully you'll then feel properly recharged when you wake up.

The most successful attempt at this I've had recently was seeing Toy Story 3 with my bf! I'm not usually into all those 'cartoons that adults can like'. But he persuaded me and glad he did. It was so therapeutic to sit for 1/5hrs laughing out loud and feeling life a carefree 11 year old.

Sorry to go off on a tangent - partly cos my brain is so scrambled. I'm labouring the point...but hope you can find a way to diffuse the anxiety, and reconnect with what inherently motivates you about your topic...

PP x

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Thank you for your replies, honestly it helps to know others feel the same and I'm not actually alone feeling so uptight about my work sometimes. It's not like a 'normal' job, you're never mentally away from it.

I think you both made some good suggestions, and I will keep them in mind. I bought an expensive scented candle yesterday after work which was really nice and relaxing to have burning into the evening. I might get one for my desk if I can find a safe place for it. I did sleep a little better last night, at least, I feel less muggy this morning. Today marks 9 weeks since I started the dissertation, with 5 to go.

Anyway, thanks for your stories :-) really enjoyed reading them. What subjects/topics are you doing my the way?

Hi....Having done my Master's ...I can empathize with you....Maybe keeping small deadlines...say finish one document a day may help....thats what i did...gud luck :-)

Hi Helena,

I think that there are some things you can do to help yourself through this, as others have suggested, but my own conclusion is that this part of the process is just basically awful and you have to just get through it. But you can get through it. I don't think that you are doing anything wrong...in terms of being able to control your feelings or to cruise through the whole final bit. However, as I have found, the sort of advice people give when they haven't experienced it personally isn't always helpful.

For example, lots of people tell me just submit already! They don't really understand that you need to know your supervisor believes you have a fighting chance of doing relatively well before you really can submit. And they don't understand that while all any of us want is a pass, the Masters tends to qualify you for further serious research, so you want to do relatively well. No a distinction isn't the be all and end all(I'm saving all my cliches for posts and emails!!) but the results mean that you are regarded as a potential or emergent researcher, and if your results are a bare pass that can impact on future plans. So it is difficult but as someone said on one of my posts-it will end and you will have a degree that lasts a lifetime-that was such a helpful comment.

In my workplace my human resources coordinator (who is also a work friend) sees it as something that is worthwhile but doesn't understand the identification that you undergo with the whole process-because it is changing you-how you think, how you approach things and how you will approach things in the future-so when things go wrong, I think you go through all of these sort of identity crises, and you can't just give yourself a talking to and see common sense- believe me Ive tried at times but I'm sure that you are making progress and things are okay...even if you can't avoid the emotional roller coaster at times.

Pjlu, your honesty is very refreshing. I don't have too much time to write a long post as I'm at work (paid work) right now, but I just read your post and wanted to say thank you (and thanks to everyone). I believe it was me who wrote on your post about masses of edits to "Remember this WILL end, and you will have your degree forever once it's over", so that's some nice symmetry for us :D

I DO feel better today, but, as you said, emotional rollercoaster. It comes and goes, especially when you're so invested, and so eager to suceed as I think many postgrads are. The ones who don't see a master's as "just a good selling point" anyway. I find my thoughts drifting to graduation day, and I ask myself: how to I want to feel on that day? Proud of myself, knowing I did all, literally ALL I could, or dissapointed, as if I know I could have given it more. I know the answer, as I'm sure you all do reading this. If that involves this horrid end point, then so be it. I just wish I had the same clarity when I feel as low as I did yesterday and the day before. I'm glad I discovered this forum.

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I finished my Masters quite a while ago - it wasn't practice-based, just pure theory. I also worked whilst doing the masters to earn a living, so I know how hard that must be for you trying to switch from one mind frame to the next. I have my high and lows too - like everyone. Some days are easier than others. I'm no longer the sociable type (I supposed there is a sociable person still hidden somewhere inside me) since my work and studies take up all of my time. I do try to see family & friends once in a while, go for a walk, do some meditation (which really helps me) and anything that takes my mind off studying/working. Try to make room for things that take your mind off the diss. I totally understand what you mean - the guilt of the dissertation, unlike a 9-5 job, is something that's always hanging over one's shoulders, 24/7 and night and day. I supposed that's why it can be such an emotional roller coaster. But hang in, you'll get there. Practice makes perfect, and coping with these emotional highs and lows does get better with time - you're probably learning things about yourself that you never knew before, and learning that you can do things that you never knew you could before; all this is really positive. Remember to congratulate yourself and give yourself a pat on the shoulder every now and then.