Hello everyone.

I stumbled across this forum tonight while rolling around in bed once again ruminating about my current depression involving graduate studies. I spent a few hours browsing and came to realize that many people seem to experience almost exactly the feelings I am going through right now. Nonetheless, let me explain my situation and I apologize in advance if this becomes long winded.

When I started my undergraduate studies, I didn't know what I wanted to do until my second semester where I was inspired to pursue academia after being a student with a particularly charismatic professor. I dedicated the rest of my undergrad working extremely hard to balance achieving high grades, working to keep my student loans low, and gaining research experience in my field of interest. I was extremely passionate and was rewarded with admission to one of my top choices for a fully funded PhD program which started right after finishing my bachelors.

After starting the program in September, I really tried to impress my advisor by having a project planned (which was to become my master's thesis), lit reviewed, ready to go within the first semester which I was told was uncommon. It was exciting: I moved to a new city, I was meeting new people, and I was getting things done. However, the first signs of trouble began when I tried to stay in touch with my research supervisors at my undergrad to attempt publishing some work I had done there. I was asked to complete a certain task and I held off on it until, 15 months later, I have not sent another email to them (albeit, they have not contacted me either).

Cut to the May of that academic year, and I was starting to really let things go. I didn't keep up with readings, I didn't keep up with my project, and I was spending most of my time at home lying in bed.
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In June, I attended a conference with two colleagues and during a dinner all they would talk about was research. Not necessarily new research or research they're presenting, but one of them had just started dating a new girlfriend and they were talking about the relationship in terms of theory in our field. I commented that it was weird to do that and they replied "I guess that's what happens when you're passionate about what you do." At this point, it really clicked that I stopped caring about not only my research but academia in general. I spent the rest of that summer doing nothing but when meeting with my advisor I panicked and lied about the progress I made (e.g., what other analyses I did and what I planned to do).

Come September again, after essentially a 4 month paid vacation, I told myself I would buckle down and straighten up. Work hard again, like I did during my undergrad. It didn't take long before I started having thoughts about quitting and not wanting to do this anymore. Then October came. And then November. December. January. February. It is now March. The progress I have made could have been done within a single month, and yet it has taken me 6 and a half. And yet the entire time I spend the nights being restless about what I am doing (or not doing). I have not read a single journal article, performed any more analyses, or written a single word toward my thesis since last April.

I am now almost exactly one month away from my deadline for my master's thesis. My advisor recognizes my progress is slow (but probably does not realize the extent to which I have done nothing for the last year, because I often make stuff up when telling him about my progress). I think I have decided to quit, but I am not sure how to approach it - I am scared I might not even be able to finish the thesis in time.

I want to at least finish and submit my master's thesis - I am supposed to "buckle down" (as I told myself countless times in the last few months) today. But here I am again in the middle of the night (5am where I am right now) searching online about quitting grad school.

I still don't know if I want to quit - I probably should, considering the poor work ethic and complete loss of interest in my research area. I am scared about powering through and pursuing my PhD (assuming I manage to finish my master's next month) and deciding 3 years later that I again hate it and want to quit. I have been lonely the last year - despite meeting new people, I have not met anyone I am comfortable calling friends. I only get to see my fiancee once every couple months because we live nearly a thousand kilometres apart. I only see my family once a semester. I have as recently as yesterday thought maybe getting a pet cat would help with my depression and get me through this all.

There is also a possibility of social anxiety causing me distress as well. I just returned from a conference where I presented a poster that was co-authored by someone I hadn't spoken to in over a year. I did not tell them I submitted this poster, and I was terrified of running into them at the conference. I saw them walking by during my session and I ripped my poster down and ran away. I didn't tell anyone that this was an issue - my advisor just assumed I was keeping in touch properly.

In general, I am very lost. I am reluctant to admit that I am deciding to quit, as even now I still just "think" I want to quit. I am nervous about the consequences of this decision. I don't know what I would do if I quit - the only thing I know is school. I think I just want some opinions or advice. I wouldn't even know how to bring this up with my advisor - this is something that absolutely terrifies me. He is a very judgmental person, even when he tries to hide it. I am completely lost.

Hi ReluctantandNervous,

it seems that what happened to you after the first year is a " burn out". The PhD is a long distance run, not a sprint, so you need to find a rhythm of work that you can stick to it for a long time.

The burn out made you unable to work, which triggered guilt and insomnia, which made you even more inefficient and brought more guilt and insomnia. You might also suffer from depression. I would advice to arrange a meeting with support services in your university, and see if you can get support.

If I were you, I wouldn't quit, I would interrupt for a while, and try to pull myself together. On a practical level, I would try to structure my day better: wake up at the same time, sleep at the same time, eat well, aim to work for four hours a day, socialise, go to the gym. Live a normal life in short. If you feel too tired to do any work, take the day off.

Looking back at my PhD journey, I also had a burn out mid ways, as a result I suffered from insomnia for months. I was unable to fall asleep, I could not retain sleep and sleep was of bad quality. I was always waking up feeling battered. Of course I could not work efficiently. I did not realise what was happening to me. I wish I had taken some time off, gone to the GP and ask for some sleeping pills. It was a really bad period.

Thinking about the time you lost just makes it worse, as the stress is overwhelming. You can only aim to improve in the future. Set realistic small goals. Even small progress is better than none. Keep in mind that one of the challenges of the PhD is to stick to it and keep working on the same topic with a steady speed for years.

Good luck

You need some rest. Not that "lying in bed" type of rest that you've mentioned but positive, active, joyful and totally relaxed. Give yourself a couple of days off, see your friends and don't think about your studies. Human being can't be concentrated on the same type of work for too long. Your state is pretty natural, but guilt and anxiety won't make it better. Just take some rest and go back to work, but this time with realistic goals.

I wonder how the starter of this topic is doing now? I am battling with the exact same problems and it is tearing me apart. It is very reassuring to read that other people are going through the same thing. And also very reassuring to read the above replies to hear that it is possible to survive this although it now seems impossible.