Hey all- some of you have been rather helpful with previous boyfriend (well, fiance now!) questions so I thought I'd throw another one out there. Basically I am coming to the end of my PhD (Sept 2011) and hoping to stay on at the same university after my PhD, although this is unconfirmed as we are waiting on the results of funding. My boyf will be applying to teacher training in Sept to start in Sept 2012 at the same university. We are hoping to move in together this September.

Now comes the dilemma! He currently lives in his mum's house, and his mum mainly stays with other relatives (who need extensive support with daily activities) but comes home for most weekends. She has recently said that if I don't get funding straight away for a project, my boyf and I can stay at her house rent-free for up to a year whilst we sort ourselves out, and she'll stay at her relatives' house permanently. It's a really kind offer and I might end up being really grateful for it.

But now my boyf has said that even if I get funding we should stay there for the year anyway to save up money. I completely get that, but I really don't want to if we can afford our own place, for a number of reasons- I don't really like the house, it's his mum's house and I wouldn't be very comfortable living there- we would even have to sleep in her bed, it would cost us both about £300 per month to travel to the university from where it is situated, and I just don't think it's a good start for us living together. I envisaged us choosing somewhere new together that we both liked and making it our own.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, and if things don't work out we might really appreciate the offer, but I just don't want to do it if we don't have to. My boyf (as much as I love him!) basically does whatever involves least effort and can't understand why I'd want us to choose a place together. He thinks it's a 'girl-thing'.

Is it a 'girl-thing'? Am I being silly over something that really shouldn't matter? I think maybe I am but I can't help how I feel! Does anyone else have this type of experience? Thanks- I'm stuck on this one and fear I'm being a bit ridiculous! Best, KB

Hi KB - firstly I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I haven't been in this situation myself but I would want to start my life with someone in a place where we both felt comfortable, and not in his mum's house. I would constantly feel like a guest, and I think it's right to want your own space when you're engaged and thinking about your future together. You want to start living independantly of your families, and staying at his mum's, even if it is the nicest house in the world, would probably hinder that.

If it were me, I would also feel guilty about her having to stay at her relatives' place all the time. It sounds as if she has quite a lot to cope with during the week when she's there and she would probably miss having her own house to come back to for some respite at the weekends; she probably isn't thinking about this at the moment though because she wants to help you both out.

I think you need to bring this up with your boyfriend, it is annoying (and a man-thing I think!) that he only wants to take the stress-free option and I can see where he is coming from in that it would be really helpful and enable you to save more, but he has to take your happiness into consideration. Most couples start out with very little money to live on, but that is just the beginning and I think it would be best to have somewhere to make your own, and somewhere within easier commuting distance from where you both work.

Hope that makes sense and has helped in some way! Nx

Less of the gender stereotypes people! :-)

Anywho, the one massive problem I'd have with this from your perspective is that if you do as your bf says and live there you're clearly not going to be near uni (£300 travelling!) and most importantly it would seem to be taking advantage of his mum's kindness.

Has he ever lived away from home? If not then perhaps that's what's causing him to want to stay.

I see no reason to put her out (which it will I'm sure) when you don't have to. Many of your other points are also valid. Plus, what do you do in a year? Probably not move because it's stressful and you've stayed there for a year and it's not been too bad etc etc. Cut his umbilical cord and get a place together.

Sorry that this may seem harsh. My GF has brothers who still live at home without good reason and it annoys me - perhaps others are far more understanding!

If you don't get the funding then it is a very kind offer that you should probably take her up on, but move out ASAP in my opinion. That way you can be near uni in a home of your own where you can feel comfortable.

What ever you decide, make sure it's what you want.

I come from a country where children live with their parents until they get married (and sometimes after that)!
Parents are thought as "obliged" to provide accommodation for their children and their spouses, if they wish to stay with them.
Despite this, I chose, from the moment I entered a university, to move form my parents'. Then when I started work, I was living on an island which was really far from my place for two years. When I got transferred, I chose to live alone again. Now, although my house is just across my parents', I live alone. I think that independence is really important! Being able to do what I want, when I want in my house! Even having my house decorated the way I like!!
On the other hand, if you don't get funding and you will have to stay at his parents', do you think that you will feel comfortable? 600 pound per month just for travel expenses (300 each, isn't it?) it's not something not to consider! I don't know about rent where you are, but if you spend a couple hundred more, couldn't you rent your own place?

Hey people, thanks for your replies. I should have said, of course my first response was 'we're not kicking your mum out of her home'! It looks like she will need to stay with his relatives (one is relatively young but severely disabled, the other is getting quite old and frail) over the weekends anyway now, as they can't manage without her. But even so, it's her home and of course I imagine she will want to pop in and out now and again. I'm not comfortable with the idea of living there AT ALL, and of course I would feel so guilty about living there free. Even apart from all that, there's no TV, no internet, the decor is really not to my taste (okay, I'm getting picky now lol!!) And you're right- we live in a relatively cheap part of the UK where we could rent somewhere for not much more than £600 anyway.

My boyf has only lived away from home for his masters year a while back, and basically his mum buys his food, his clothes (yes, seriously!), pays for his petrol, you name it. He doesn't contribute to bills or anything- just lives there completely free. Personally I couldn't do it- I'm too independent and too old to be relying on my parents for every last thing, and I don't think it's good for him at all to be so tied to his mum's apron strings. He's very naive and has no idea how much a trolley of food or a tank of petrol costs (he gasped the other day when I put £50 worth of petrol into my car!!). Despite all of this, I love him to bits, I should add, seeing as though it sounds like I'm just whining about him!

I think I will stand my ground on this one and insist that I won't move in so long as I have enough income for us to rent somewhere else. There's no reason I couldn't stay on in my flat for a while longer. He really does need to become a bit more independent and take more responsibility but I don't want to bully him into it. He does have a job and he works hard, so he's not lazy- he just likes the easy option. But am glad it's seemingly not just me being awkward.... relationships eh?!!!

Thanks all, KB

I agree with the others, yours is a completely normal reaction. I think there are three main points. First, even if she is offering, it's not really fair on his mum and could easily make things weird between the three of you (money (or free rent, in this case) and relationships is not really a good idea.) Second, £300 on travel a month is tons; how long would it take each day? Commuting destroys both body (you get fat because you're sat on your arse and it's tiring, which puts you off exercise when you get home) and soul (it's boring.) Third, couples should create their own space where they can jointly feel comfortable rather than moving in to someone else's space where you feel you can never relax.