I think this one's a bit of a cliche, but here goes...
In November moved in with a very dear friend: we are very close. Small two-bedroom flat. About two weeks before Xmas, she meets a guy online. Within a week, the other guy has stayed over at our place 3 nights running. This seems very swift and it's a bit surprising for me. Then there was Xmas when everyone was with parents or friends. Then my flatmate stayed over with the new boyfriend but the problem there is that he's a Masters student so lives in a dorm... not ideal for new romance. So then this weekend just gone the new boyfriend stays over again for 3 nights running.
I sense the start of a pattern... it might be that now I live with a couple at weekends... not what I signed up for (and the flat really stretches my budget). Sunday evening I said to my flatmate: "I worry that I'm cramping your style, as you're in the first flush of romance..." i.e. My passive-aggressive way of saying "What is he doing here *again*?" Flatmate looks at me like I'm a cruel alien and says I shouldn't feel that way. She was used to living with her boyfriend and an extra person for many years in the past, so this is her template for a living situation. She looks really hurt and distressed. She is a very loving person and used to having lots of people around. She was also an absolute rock for me during my MSc, so I owe her big-time.
So I would basically like the new boyfriend (who is perfectly pleasant) to be around less. But am I a) sad and jealous cos I miss the closeness with my friend? b) Bitter cos I've been single for AGES? c) in my right mind because the new living situation has been imposed on me and not negotiated?
This friendship means a lot to me, so I don't want to strain it. But it's rather a surprise to be living with a couple at weekends, especially when they only met a month ago. On the other hand, perhaps I should just use the situation as motivation to sort out my own love life? I really am too old for flatshares (I am really really old), and maybe I should just take inspiration and try to get myself married off ASAP...? ,-)
Whaddya think?
I think your friend is just different from you in some respects and while I'm with you (I'd feel really uncomfortable in your position) I don't think she gave it much thought and assumed it would be OK. It's early days and could easily fall apart or it could be the start of something serious. If you have a good secure friendship you should be able to have a mature conversation about the situation and reach a compromise.
Now I'm curious about your age!!!
======= Date Modified 11 Jan 2012 00:08:50 =======
Yeah, I think an adult conversation is the right thing. Because although I am single and bitter, it IS also true that this has been a bit much. If I extrapolate a line on a graph... he's here 3 days weekly after one month of the relationship... that means in only 6 more weeks he'll have moved in! And it hasn't been negotiated.
But this friendship is really important to me, so the whole thing needs to be done with grace.
I'm nearly 39. Probably too old for flatshares, but doing a PhD makes me too poor to live alone... I will chat with her tomorrow.
PostgraduateForum Is a trading name of FindAUniversity Ltd
FindAUniversity Ltd, 77 Sidney St, Sheffield, S1 4RG, UK. Tel +44 (0) 114 268 4940 Fax: +44 (0) 114 268 5766
An active and supportive community.
Support and advice from your peers.
Your postgraduate questions answered.
Use your experience to help others.
Enter your email address below to get started with your forum account
Enter your username below to login to your account
An email has been sent to your email account along with instructions on how to reset your password. If you do not recieve your email, or have any futher problems accessing your account, then please contact our customer support.
or continue as guest
To ensure all features on our website work properly, your computer, tablet or mobile needs to accept cookies. Our cookies don’t store your personal information, but provide us with anonymous information about use of the website and help us recognise you so we can offer you services more relevant to you. For more information please read our privacy policy
Agree Agree