I know we have had topics along similar lines about people having non-academic partners etc - but my relationship is under a lot of strain at the moment - some of it PhD related & some of it not. I won't bored you all with the minutia but it looks like it may be the end of the road for me & my b.f. Has any one else had an experience of a break up / moving out/having to find somewhere new to live. Everything is in his name and I have not been making any financial contribution to the mortgage. Despite making what I see as other contributions ( mainly time & energy) this doesn't really help me on a practical level. I am seriously thinking that I will have to take some time off to find a FT job to cover costs etc.. & it all seems so daunting on top of all the emotional effort & having to take a break from the one thing that is going really well i.e the PhD.
:-(

Well, I had a long and (in the end) unpleasant break up with my ex (of 8 years) during 2006. It got ugly because we had to sell the house and argued over who got what (solicitors etc). That was a side issue really. The main thing was that our relationship was over and I had things in life I wanted to do and that she was stopping me from doing them.

Since I moved up here I've felt rather free/unshackled. Not having responsibility to anyone else has its charms (for awhile). It's the just the things you miss and the pressure you feel that all your friends are either married or are just about to get married and that I'm single again.

So the fundamental question I've been asking myself is, given that society expects me to be in a relationship (at 33), do I actually want to be in one? My view changes from day to day.

...Also, if I do want to be in a relationship, who with? Most people around here are 21 and under (not really my scene). All-in-all, not sure what I want at the moment. Anyone tried an online dating agency?

Whereabouts are you? I'm sure you're a great guy, you'll find someone easily. I'm in London and have also come out of a long term (ish) relationship (3years), and I feel like I'm in the right place to meet new people.

I'm really sorry to hear about that Pea, sounds like a pretty horrible situation. I live with my boyfriend and everything is in his name so I would be in the same place if we broke up. If the split is amicable maybe he could give you some help financially to help you? I don't think it is unreasonable thing to suggest even if stuff isn't in your name, you are the one that is left with nothing and that isn't altogether fair. I hope you are ok.

I am sympathetic.

I broke up amicably with my boyfriend of two years last Summer. It was a mutual thing, and we are friends now - but even so the moving house, starting a Phd and starting a new job (yes, living apart I do spend more of living costs) was mega stressful. So much so it triggered my first bout of psoriasis. It was awful, but I got through. And I'm happy now.

Best of luck.

So sorry pea. Was in a similar situation but during my first degree and with a new baby! I was NOT, however, going to let ANYTHING stop me from graduating (finally paid off the loans a couple of years ago!). One thing I've learned is that dark times pass... you WILL come through this - and WITH your phd xx

Good luck Pea

Big hug for you from me, pea. I know from experience that a PhD can cause a lot of strain, even on a solid relationship. My boyfriend and I have been struggling lately too. After 9 years together, I am just really surprised that my PhD/writing up/unemployment has had such a huge impact on our relationship. I am just so tired of worrying and crying and some days I feel under so much pressure that I think I am going to implode.

Hope you can find a solution that makes you both happy in the long run, pea. Until then I am thinking of you.

pea, that's tough.
i strongly suggest that if the PhD is going well, keep a solid hold on it, whatever happens. make sure you have a day or two per week only for your PhD, it could be the anchor that keeps you solid through all the trouble!
can you talk to your supervisor(s) about this? they should be understanding and might be able to show you possibilities on how to keep your PhD going that you weren't aware of.
oh: don't worry you won't manage! after such a long relationship one tends to worry not to be able to deal with stuff alone anymore. but you can, you will be fine! you are a perfectly capable, intelligent person, so don't worry!

pea, have you actually ended it? If not, do you really want to leave him? The practical and materialistic issues are easy to overcome. But the emotional ones will be more difficult to handle. Depending on how much you have left on your PhD, can you not come to an agreement? I know it doesn't sound romantic at all, but if you have only 6 months left on your PhD, then perhaps you two should agree to continue as it is until you finish the most important part of your PhD.

So sorry to hear this by the way. It is something I am familiar with (although not during PhD) and I wish you all the best.

Thank you for all your kind replies everyone -made me feel loads better
Am a bit in limbo at the moment somewhere between trying to work it out & leaving.
It's wierd because we're not arguing or anything -just neither of us is happy at the moment.

*sigh* I don't know what will happen, but thanks again guys it feels nice to have someone albiet virtual who understands. xx

Relationships are hard and a PhD makes it even harder sometimes in a way tat only someone else who is doing one can understand...it's very difficult for b.f to empathisize what my life is like on a day to day basis & I receive a lot of negativity from his family, who basically think I have given up work to doss about. They still ask me how my little college course is going and what sort of job I might do eventually- despite the fact that I have had succesfull career in tha past, and now lecturer PT.
My b.f is a high earner and I am being framed by his family as some sort of black widow/gold digger and the more they go on the more uncomfortable he seems to be with me finishing the thesis and him paying the mortgage even though ironically it was him who gave me the final push when I started and said "go for it - I will support you".

I can really relate to your words on your last post pea. I gave up a well-paying respectable job in order to do my masters then my PhD, both with bursaries. And during this time, my boyfriend's salary got even bigger. His family started to treat me as if I am a gold digger. I've always looked after myself, never took anything even from my family, did all sorts of stupid jobs to pay bills. Now having to put up with his family's comments is driving me crazy. But I try not to let it show much. After all, they haven't got the last say in anything, and this is just a temporary stage in my life.

Can you not just continue as it is for a while? Because things like family and PhD is causing the majority of the problems, they are temporary too. Do you think the relationship is worth saving? What your boyfriend and you do for each other is not his family's business. Obviously they can't appreciate the power of knowledge or what you have to give up for it, but they only care about money.