Hi folks, i have this friend, who I am sure means well, but is really p'ing me off at the moment.

She keeps giving me unsolicited advice about personal and professional matters, in a tone which assumes authority on my position. The personal adivce is, I guess, the most annoying because I am having to extracate myself from my family relationships in a big way at the the moment, for various reasons, and she keeps trying to get me to see things their way, even though she acknowledgs the horrific nature of what has happened recently and historically. She just can't seem to acknowledge that after 41 years I have tried all avenues and am no longer able to put up with the perpetual exhaustion involved in that process, I want to live my life for me, at last, and for those I choose.

She speaks in quite an aggressive way when giving her 'advice' and repeats things (although I don't think she knows she comes across this way - I think she sees this as passion), so I feel I have to justify my personal and professional choices, or she looks put out, and I really don't want either of those things. I've only know her for about 3-4 years, so it's early days for the friendship, but I think she could become a very good and loyal friend, she has many other good qualitites, so I don't want to write her off, the best friendships often have bumps in the road. I'm venting in an annonymous way, I guess, perhaps safer than to another 'real-world' friend. Thanks forumites.

Poor you Eska. Have you tried the "thank-you I hadn't thought of that but will now" / " that's given me somethign to think about" method of cutting a conversation short? You don't actually have to think about it if you think she is wrong.

Thanks Jepson. yeah, she looks a bit put out and hurt when I do that, but that's her problem, I guess. I feel a bit hurt because I already have so much family pressure to be more, do more for them, that when a friend says it just makes me want to screeeeaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmm. And I'm afraid that one day soon I might... especially as we're meeting up for a day and night out soon on my holiday, on which I don't want an argument.

My question would be if she's always acted in this manner or whether it's just something of a more recent thing. If it's the former then that's part of any friendship - taking someone as they are and just accepting they do things differently.

For example, I'm pretty much in real life as I am on here - warped sense of humour, helpful and friendly at times but also rude and abrupt a lot of the time too. It's just the way I am, I have no intention to change and people take me as I am. My friends laugh about it sometimes as it can be interesting, but it's just how I am and don't take any crap from anyone. And if people ask my opinion, they get it.

If it's a case of that it's a more recent thing, then has anything changed in her own life to perhaps make her like this?

HHmm, yes, it has got much more with me recently, but I know she does with her boyfriend a lot, she tries to 'tell' him all about music, when he runs an orchestra, and she ain't no musician - thi scauses many arguments.

What reaalllyyy bugs me is that I don't ask for her advice - it's just foisted on me about the most sensitive things, and tbh I need support right now, very seriously, and not even more opposition - that's not something I can deal with right now. So perhaps she will just have to put up with me telling to drop it in a more forceful manner and just accept that part of me, as I am. I think we may have a big argument, that's life sometimes I guess.

Stand your ground and perhaps be a bit more blunt and direct - sometimes that's what people need. And it's not necessarily a bad thing having a bustup - I've had bustups with many friends before (I'm quite a gobshite at times) but it can actually strengthen the relationship.

Yes, I've had the most massive bust ups with my closest and dearest friend, and I think that is what had made us what we are today, knowing we can do that is very re-assuring. She wa just as annoying as this one in her day, and I'm sure I was too, but this is how you learn isn't it, and how you get to know eachother. Thanks Dan and Jep. Maybe a holiday blow up is on the cards... well most hols have 'em don't they, why not this one. Blimey, I'm going away on my own, and am almost guarunteed a holiday row, how's that for ingenuity.

Hi Eska, I hate having this kind of situation with friends. Why don't you just try telling her, thanks for the advice, you know she means well but it's really just not helping, and you need a friend to be supportive for you, even if she thinks you are wrong in not taking her advice. Just tell her that you value her opinion, but it's not what you need right now and to just let things be? Being a friend in that sense is just as important as being a friend by giving advice. Prob best to be upfront so you avoid a huge row maybe...

Hi Eska - hmm toughie. Not similar, but I have a kind of similar situation with a dear friend of mine, about 10 years older than me who keeps advising me to consider 'other' guys than the one I am knd of besotted by at the moment. It wasn't bothering me till she started going on about - look at guy x, he took you for a walk, and you didnt even consider him, and more and more. She knows, I cannot conentrate on multiple fronts at once (She can, and does, and good for her), and she knows I am not really looking, and she knows I will never say anything to her. I feel our age gap is in the way, and she often criticises me for being dramatic, reactive, not vulnerable enough for men, etc, but hnestly, it is getting tiring.

As far as I am concerned, I am sh*t scared of confrontations, so I will let it go, but if you arent, I think you should let it come across and if she is mature enough she will handle it.

Hi Algae, I have tried that approach to some extent, saying 'I think I handled that situation well and I'm happy with that etc, etc' but she just keeps doing it. The trounble is she chooses the most sensitive things to push about so I find it hard to respond as well as I otherwise might, so i end up, probably being under-assertive in order to avoid biting her head off and letting rip, although I'm sure my annoyance has shown. I think she has siomesimilar things going on in her family, but is handling them differently to me, which is great, but she seems to think I should do as she does, and life just doesn't work that way.

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Bug, that's so funny! Reading you last post, I really don't think this is an age thing, I think it is personality, my fiend is 10 years younger than me! But I too thought it might have been her age, that she was young, because I know I've had corners knocked off me over the years, as have my old friends, but I didn't say it here.

Unsolicited advice is just the worst, and I know people of all ages that do it, including my aunty (we've had a couple of arguments and it's stopped now), this friend, another fiend who is 6 years my jumior, and my closest friend moan abouther cousin who is our age doing it to her over baby care.

I'm hoping this will resolve, my aunty is a fine example, I think people do it because they care, not realisng we all develop and deal with things in unique ways that suit us best, but the intention is good. I feel much better for just discussing it here.

hmmm, well maybe a good snap is what's needed then, a few tears, and if you let her see just how much it's bothering you she may stop. As much as you have to let her be herself and act how she is, she has to respect how you are, and deal with that too. Plus, the added stress isn't what you need from a friendship, that's supposed to be where you get support from. Or maybe I'm just in my 'I-have-no-patience' mode...

Hi Eska,

Sorry to hear that you're having issues with your friend...perhaps you could try telling her frankly and firmly (but politely) how you feel about her interfering in your affairs or you can just state that you appreciate her advice but that you'd rather not discuss your family affairs/issues with her as it isn't helping and that you'd really appreciate it if she would be more supportive as you are going through a stressful and difficult phase. I guess sometimes we just have to be blunt and straightforward much as we dislike it for fear of hurting other's feelings. However, the last thing you need is a row with your friend while on vacation, so you can try speaking to her about this right at the beginning and let her know that you want to enjoy your vacation and not discuss any family matters at all. Hopefully, she'll have the sense to understand and give you your space and this way a confrontation/row/argument with her can be avoided. Good luck!

hi eska
I can identify with you here; I stopped telling people (and by people I mean my friends) my problems because I found that once they knew about it (and yes, though they do mean well), they gave me unsolicited (and unwelcome!) advice and also (like you) I found myself having to justify my choices to them.

I also found that if say I confided in Friend A in say 1995, ten years later when we meet again, she would still identify me as I was in 1995, and ask me the annoying questions (of problems/issues) which I no longer wish to speak about. And why because I have grown, I have developed and I dont see what I need to justify things to her.

That is why I hardly tell my personal issues to friends anymore.
love satchi

Hi Eska

I think that this is a personality issue rather than an age issue. I have a remarkably similar problem with my boyfriend. He thinks of himself as a "problem solver" and really doesn't understand why somebody would discuss a problem with him if they were not seeking a "solution". It makes perfect sense to me to discuss a problem to unload a little/ understand the issue better myself / or just vent and take a weight off but to him this is pointless. I've always assumed that this was due to male/female differences but the situation you describe with your friend sounds very familiar. To be honest, I don't think you stand a chance of changing her behaviour, rather just understand that she is trying to help and switch off when her advice becomes stifling - this is the only solution that has worked for me to-date.

Best of luck,
Ev