... And this is probably been posted numerous of times - but is a little different! It is my first year as a postgraduate/finalist student. I am wondering in how to continue working with a supervisor whom you are developing feelings for... or does it sound like he could have been attracted to me?
We actually met in my undergraduate years - in which we ran into each other in public. I didn't know who he was then - but he conversed with me, thinking I was from his class. We ended up having a lovely conversation - even though I had no idea who he was!
However, I ended up having one of his classes a few months later! Again, he recognized me from the 700+ students in our lecture series - and I was amazed that he remembered me again! We had a light conversation about our weekends - and he was teasing me about the certain foods I was buying... ha!

I ended up being very interested in his research (go figure!) and so I was able to message him in regards to this a few months later. He said he knew who I was just by how I had written the message, and knew he had spoken to me before. We talked more about his research - and about my idea of research in his field. He is very optimistic and has an idea already planned for me, and has done a lot of work in advance to help me. He wants us to try and get our work published together, and to continue my work further with him.

However, now my feelings are growing for him - even at seminars now though we won't talk to each other around other academics, he will joke that I should have said something in a message, or he will tease me about something and then say he's too nice of a man... ha ha! This banter however, makes my feelings stronger - but I wonder if there were feelings there initially - and if this would make it difficult?

Hmm.. I'd would stay well clear of this one. He doesn't really know you yet seems overly familiar at first meetings... seems like he's trying to make you feel special, and it has clearly worked... How do you he doesn't remember all these other students as well?

Hi CPsychStudent. What jumped out at me was is there a possibility he wants to just get your work to publish it himself/get on it as a co-author. Sounds like he is going to be co-author anyway as you are working on a publication together. I think there's a difference between everyday chat with your supervisor and the kind of things he's saying to you. I mean I'm sure in the 5 years I've been working with mine he's taken the piss out of my taste in music and vice versa but that's what I'd think of as light-hearted banter (which didn't happen all that often in 5 years and my project was about music). Please don't go there with the thing about having feelings for him and him for you. It can't end well. It just can't. Now maybe I'm reading it wrong and it is just banter and once you know that line will never be crossed by you or him then it's fine but I'm inclined to feel wary of this one. It's got to be about the work and that's it. Hope that's of some help to you. All the very best.
Edit: I think we forget sometimes that these people in power are actually just humans too and they can abuse that power and they can look at their students in a way they shouldn't really. sometimes we trust these people a bit too much.

Thank you for your responses (yes - fairly new to this, so it is great to hear opinions!) I think it was those tiny things at the first meetings that got to me - for example, the first thing he did was compliment me on my necklace (however, he spent a great deal just looking at it... and I was thinking, "Ummm... interesting?" He then asked what it meant - none the less, I was suprised he noticed such minor detail about me - as it wasn't about the work! He came up with a lot of jokes, trying to figure out a nickname for me...etc. Another time, I was with a friend and he said I "always looked really good" - and then said, "um, I mean always positive and happy". I thought it could have been light-banter - maybe it is and I am reading into it! However, I was caught surprised that he remembered who I was initially by e-mail (just by a chance, fleeting meeting when I wasn't even in his class to begin with!). My gut instinct told me initially that there is something different here - however, I needed to email him recently about a few things and he was late replying (I needed to get it sorted as I am leaving for a holiday) and he said he was sorry that he replied late, there were personal issues with him but not to be concerned or worry.... Hmmmmm...... a it worried?

I hate to be the type of person that jumps to crazy conclusions over a few lines on the internet, but this reminds me of a guy I used to know... and I believe that guy is a psychopath.

It seems to me that this person wants to get in your head. I doubt " "always looked really good" - and then said, "um, I mean always positive and happy" " was an accidental poor choice of words.

And did he really remember you from your meeting, or is it that he just said 'yes I remember you from before' and YOU take this to mean that he remembers you from the meeting?

Your gut instinct tells you there is something different - yes there probably is, but bad different, not good different.

Why tell you he had 'personal issues' but not what they are? Because it's intriguing. Because it makes you feel connected to him. Does he have any personal issue? I sincerely doubt it.

My advice is to keep away from this one. Really.

Sorry if other people don't agree with me, but this whole thing rings alarm bells for some reason.

Thanks for your advice, TreeofLife. He is very respected with staff members - so I am not too sure. Perhaps it is just his persona... however, I haven't seen this with other students (as far as I am aware).
I was so happy to find someone I connected with very well - now I am not exactly sure what that "connection" is!

On the surface, it looks like a case of simple mutual attraction. However it's obviously more complex than that. Your supervisor is letting his feelings get in the way of appropriate professional conduct. If you both intended to pursue a relationship, then you would need to find another supervisor, in order to remove the conflict of interest. You should do this sooner rather than later.

I would find out more about this person before you did get involved e.g. is he married/in a relationship, going through a divorce etc. It's always good to know what you are getting yourself into!

Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. I do think it was there when I met him for the first time, however it has become more difficult now that we are working closer together. His partner isn't with us anymore... hence could explain some emotions there. Definitely hadn't thought about this until it started... so just looking out for both of us - like you said, sooner rather than later!

I agree with others here that there is something uncomfortable about the situation. Like it or not, in a student/supervisor relationship there is a difference in power, and these personal relationships have a tendency not to be positive ones. There is something rather emotionally manipulative about saying things like 'I have personal issues.....but don't worry'. At the very least, he is not respecting the professional boundary that should be there. As Barramack said, if you do intend to pursue a relationship with him then I think you should get another supervisor, not only because this could have a huge impact on your studies, but because you would also need to put the relationship on a more equal footing, rather than one in which you are dependent on him.

Thank you chickpea for your reply. I think because we had met initially, whatever "feelings" were there were carried out into this professional relationship - if that makes sense? I didn't initially have feelings for him at all - but after he approached me the second time, things changed.
I think the notion of that he would approach me and just chat with me (even with my friends) I noticed things were different - my friends think it is lovely, however I would think that if there were any feelings on his part - he would have told me he couldn't work with me? (Instead of me bringing it up?)

It seems reasonable to think that a potential supervisor would decline to work with you if he thought there was any feeling that would get in the way of the professional relationship - but again, this depends on his boundaries and his ability to be completely professional about it. You mentioned that the first time he spoke to you, he thought you were in his class, so it seems clear that he did have an understanding that you were a student, and it wasn't a completely independent meeting where he had no idea. He already had a duty to be professional towards you at that stage. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I do think there are some warning signs there because you have had some very mixed messages already from him.

Thank you for your words. At the very first meeting, he thought I was from the "department" - so whether that meant he thought I was a student or not at that time. However, he did know the second time that I was in his lecture series. So when I first asked about his work a few months later - I kept it professional as I knew he wouldn't remember me from the encounters in public, However, I ran into him in the building and he said he remembered me by our encounter - and looked up my student information because he knew it was me. I was incredibly impressed... as you could imagine!

It's not unreasonable to think that he might be attracted to you, from what you've described there may be some level of attraction. It's actually quite common, especially when working with someone for long periods of time, and you can't always help who you are attracted to. There are numerous cases where postgrads (and undergrads?!) become involved with their tutors and lecturers.

But there are boundaries that should not be crossed with the student/teacher relationship. If you are finding it difficult to work with him because of your developing feelings, you might want to think about getting another supervisor, regardless of whether you might 'act' on your feelings. In close quarters, you never know what can happen in the heat of the moment.

As to why he might not have brought it up, well, there are a variety of reasons beyond the psychopath explanation or the using you explanation (though keep those in mind as well). He might be worried about his own professional standing should he admit feelings for a student, or the possibility of a sexual harassment case, even if just suspected, could be damaging to his reputation. He might not think you feel the same way, so is determined to 'squash' his feelings to work with you.

But, as others have suggested, he could be 'using' you or become dangerous down the line, even just professionally (if the relationship turned sour, there goes your career). I'm inclined to agree with TreeofLife, there are some 'techniques' being used there, and inequalities in power. My own supervisors will apologise if they've been medically ill (like with the flu) or really busy regarding in a late email reply, but never with a statement about 'personal issues.'

While it might be difficult, I would, as others have suggested, stay away. Alternatively, if you want to pursue a relationship, transfer to another university. Don't just change supervisors within your department, you still shouldn't have a relationship regardless of whether he's your supervisor if you're in the same department.

Thank you for your reply! I think there is some good advice in these messages. He said he wouldn't take offence if I changed supervisors - so, perhaps that might be the best idea. It's the typical notion though of that he is the only person whom specializes with the work I want to do... so it is a tough decision! (always ends up being that way - doesn't it?) It's quite crazy - we haven't worked together for every long at all - less than a few months. However, we knew each other via the 'chance encounters' that we came accross!

If he does have the specialised knowledge, then perhaps you could consider having him as an advisor to your work. As long as there is no administrative link between his position and your candidacy, there shouldn't be an issue. And you still may be able to work and publish with him if you make an arrangement with your new supervisor.
As a grown adult, you are free to make their own choices (e.g. friends, partners etc.), and you should be fine as long as you don't compromise your (or someone else's) career or reputation. If I was in your shoes, I would just take things one small step at a time.