I'm hoping to begin negotiations with Peoples' Friend or Take-A-Break to get an expose printed on my drug nightmare, hopefully next to the articles about Katie Price and Peter Andre. As my academic colleagues, I feel I need to warn you about a new terror, a new horror that stalks the streets and threatens to blight all our lives. Over the past couple of days, I've become a very serious junkie and there's nothing I haven't tried. I've gone from an innocent academic church mouse to a corrupted, erm, one. There's nothing I haven't tried either: crystal meth, morphine, opium, E, downers - all washed down with alcohol. This in just a couple of days, I might add - I probably should be dead. Not even Iggy Pop could take the punishment I've had. How was this possible and do I have a future that involves me completing my PhD, or will I live out the rest of my days in a gutter or B and B. To explain this, I need to take you back to the beginning - it all started on the internet...
Procrastinating on the internet, I came across a site that said it made software that can mimic the physiological effects of popular drugs on the body through the medium of sound and its ability to alter delta and theta brain waves. I was sceptical, so I decided, in the interests of science like any good scientist would, to try it out. So, I downloaded it, installed it and looked at what it had to offer. It was like an Aladin's cave for all good drug dealers: crack, smack, alcohol, mephamphetamine and so on. 'Wow,' I thought, 'I think I'll try some opium first!' All I had to do to administer my dose was play the appropriately labelled sound file through my headphones. For those of you who have ever wondered what it feels like to take opium, this is what it sounds like...

WhooooooooooooohoooooohOOOOOO WhoooooooooooohOOOOOOWHoooooooooo - for 40 minutes

The opium didn't actually do anything for me, and I did get fed up of listening to the file after 5 minutes. Now, I know it's bad for your teeth and horribly addictive, but I seemed to lose all control at this point and went for some crystal meth...

WhoooHoo WhoooHoo WhooHoo Dateeet Dateeet WhoooHoo WhooHoo

I don't know what happened after that, but I ended up trying downers, some weird drug called hell and an hallucinogenic... I'd tell you what the software is called, but that would effectively make me a drug dealer and I'm probably in enough trouble as it is. Someone needs to speak out about this, and if I've ruined my career by becoming a junkie, I only hope that I can salvage my personal decorum by protecting others. I'll also be contacting the Daily Mail to begin my right-wing crusade shortly.

Haha that's hilarious, at least you weren't expecting much! Feel slighty sorry for the idiots who might buy it thinking it will get them high!

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you're FUNNY! 8-) good birthday?

I'm havng a similar problem with cheapo diet coke from home and bargain: also rots your teeth and is horribly addictive.

There actually are people (mugs) that buy stuff like this and swear it works. Personally, I'm all for it for such people if it keeps them away from real drugs. The only thing I got out of it though was ear ache, boredom and a feeling of wasted procrastination time. All the drugs sound like variations of the BBC Test Card signal (that one with the girl holding a dolly), yet no-one has ever got high off that.

Eska, thank you for asking. I've not had the most exciting birthday this year, as I've been immersed in the process of peer review and data collection. However, I've got a big conference coming up next month and I've bagged the best hotel room you could imagine. It's actually a designer hotel room with memory foam mattress, Imac entertainment centre, designer coffee maker, mood lighting, balcony, free Jaffa oranges, designer bathroom with designer bubble bath - and so on and so on... And my uni is paying for it for me for two days, so that will make up for it! :-)

======= Date Modified 31 Mar 2010 09:02:45 =======
============= Edited by a Moderator =============
-inappropriate content-

Hey Wal, I will ignore the dubious post from senusa (???), and have not followed the dubious link for fear of corrupting my laptop - you didn't bring it with your from the sordid drugs fest website, did you?


Anyhow, congratulations on the top whack hotel room, sounds fab. I wish I could get that kind of stuff from my dept, I will try harder in future.

Eska, I'm a junkie, not a pimp. Anyway, having now tried nearly every drug known to man, I only have a few left: marijuana, absinthe, dexies (whatever they are) and one called out of body experience. I only hope there's one called rehab after all these binges.