Right, I just feel that I really need to write what I am going to because this past month or so has been hell for me. I've not done any work of substance, don't feel particularly inclined to and nothing seems to matter. I might be clinically depressed because I don't even feel like getting out of bed and get very upset at stupid times.
My long term relationship has come to a rather nasty end. She told me that she has come to the conclusion that we are very different people, that she gets angry at me when she knows she shouldn't and that I need to concentrate on my work. We still currently live together but she's started going out more than she ever has (spend most of the week away) and she tries not to talk to me, and is very tense and terse when I try and talk to her. The thing is I still love her and I'd drop this PhD I'm doing if I thought it would make any difference - I can't do it at the moment anyway. When she's not in a wonder where she is and what she's up to? Has she found someone else? There's just no space in my head for my work. Worst still, I know that we are separated and what she gets up to is none of my business.
I can't seem to get over it though - it feels like a bereavement. She wasn't just my girlfriend, she was also my best friend. My PhD is very lonely, but she was always there. And it wasn't a problem to begin with. I always made time for her. But things have changed so dramatically and I can't seem to adapt. I'm not being maudlin or soft but I thought my future was with her and we had plans.
Everything we've been through together and experienced, it doesn't mean anything now. It upsets me to think about it. How do you go forward? How do I even try to think about my work, because it seems to mean fxxk all now. I'm just not arsed. I just want her back and would do anything but it's not going to happen.

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I'm sorry to read that you're going through so much. I can relate to your feelings about the PhD and suspect these feelings are not unusual. I'm not clear if the difficulties with your PhD and the end of your relationship happened around the same time but that's the way I'm reading it.

Anyway, I would strongly suggest that you make an appointment to talk to student welfare at your University as you'll feel better for talking and it'll help clear your head and clarify your thoughts.

If you are certain that your relationship is over for good, you'll need to find a way to move on... quite literally. It will not be easy to get over the loss of a relationship that meant and means so much, especially given that you're both still living under the one roof. Honestly, it would be best if one of you could move out as soon as possible.

If you feel you really can't continue with your PhD at the present time, would you be able to take some time out?

Just some thoughts. I hope everything works out in the end.

Thanks for the advice, Delta. I'm a very private person but, as it's anonymous, it's really nice to hear someone else's opinion. I wish I could take some time out, but my research is funded in such a way that I can't. I've spoke to close friends and they say the same thing as you, that one of us needs to move out. I think it will be most likely me. The problem is the finality of it and the gaping hole that will be left in my life. I'm not sure how I'm going to adapt to it, after years of being very happy and having routines.

I was in a similar situation with my husband but it was me who ended the relationship. However, we had just bought a house together (ahh the wonders of hindsight) and neither of us could afford to move out. Our split was fairly amicable after the initial shock of me telling him it was over, although we had had problems for a while. We both tried to keep out of each others' way but it was difficult and got even worse when we both had new relationships. My new partner turned up at the door to pick me up once not realising my huisband was at home so that was rather awkward. In the end we worked out a sort of rota system. Anyway it was never easy and eventually I moved out to live with my partner but I still own half the house so have to deal with stuff related to that so am still in touch with my husband (I can't afford to get divorced!!).

I think you need to sit down and discuss the new relationship you both have and whether there is any chance of getting back together, If not you also have to see whether either of you can move out. If not then you have to work out a way of dealing with the situation and accepting that this is how it has to be now.

It is like a bereavement and you will need to grieve over the relationship. I thought my future was with my husband, and even though I am with someone new, I still miss the friendship we had. So don't think of the whole relationship as meaningless. Think about the good times you had and be positive about that, while accepting you are now at a different stage in your life.

I think you do need to take time off to think things through, and it sounds like you could be depressed so a trip to your GP, or counselling service at uni would be a good idea. From what you say, I don't think you are going to be able to work well on your PhD until you get some help to get through this, but try to keep going and do easier parts of it just to keep yourself busy. Even if you don't feel like getting out of bed at the moment, try to read while you are there.

I hope things get easier for you. It may not seem like it at the moment but ......insert all the cliches here.

I can really relate to this. I broke up with my boyfriend earlier this month (and although I initiated it because we had drifted apart, and I want to try again, things are very much up in the air and probably over -though wish they weren't.) and it has been difficult to concentrate on work. I just drag myself out of bed, and even if I only read one journal article in a day and have a think about where it fits in my thesis, I congratulate myself on doing some work. I have a chapter due in two weeks. So will have to push the tempo.

Best wishes. You'll pull through.

hi. i was in a very similar position when i started my phd (well about 6 months in). My boyfriend and I split up and I had to move out. I was reluctant to do so at first because it seemed so final and for the first few weeks it was pretty horrible. My work inevitably suffered and in the end I took a week off and saw family and friends. When I got back I went to the student counselling service at Uni ( which is free :-) ). I felt like an idiot at first talking about all these things but eventually I started to feel better and I have to say it is one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

So I would highly recommend counselling, maybe speak to your supervisor and say you're having problems at home (without going in to specific details)- just so he/she is aware of the problem. Keep the PhD ticking along but don't feel like you have to acheive much, just read a few articles and take time out where you can.

And be as selfish as possible! If you don't feel like doing work do something fun instead and try and re-build a life without your partner. Maybe find a new hobby and meet new people and make sure you do things on weekends that don't involve work.

Also, although the moving out thing is horrible it will make everything so much easier in the long run so dont put it off. If your not seeing her come in late every night etc etc you won't be wondering where's she's been etc etc so you'll have at least a little bit of head space for other things.

I hope it gets better though and seriously consider the counselling service- its not for everyone but it really did change my life!

PamW, Chrisrolinski and Pero12 - thank you for sharing your experiences with me and helping me to put things into perspective. It's not really getting any easier at the moment, and I get really upset in the day when I try and do work (thank God most of it is done at home). It is like a bereavement and I know I'll have to build a new life. It's just things have been so good for two years. Having shxt days and knowing I was going home to someone who loves me as much as I love her, looking forward to weekends and just having a great time together is something I'm really, really going to miss.
It's made me realise how much of myself I invested in her and how much she shaped me as a person, and it's like trying to come off a really addictive drug. During my more desperate moments, I've said to her that we don't have to be lovers as such as really close friends because I care about her so much and would like to be the best friend I can be for her. But I know that that isn't healthy and I won't be able to handle it when she does fall for someone else. She is away for the night again, spends most of the nights away and I can't work. My head spins with suspicion and jealously. To be so close to someone and so much in love, then to lose it suddenly, it's horrible.
One thing's for sure though. The situation has made me realise how much I have neglected my friends, old and recent. I'll try and fill the time by seeing them and trying to speak to the when I can. Hopefully, years from now I'll look back on my time with her with fond memories. Obviously I don't want to be a stalker but I hope I can remain close to her and chat to her sometimes, once I get my head straight, because I think we could be really good friends. Thank you for your input.

Just thought I'd check up on how you are feeling at the moment.

Hiya Pam, thanks for asking. It's crappy at the moment and I'm not getting any work done really. But the way I see it, I'm young (28), don't have any children with her and we're not married, so it could have been a lot worse. I'm still getting pangs of jealousy when I think of her meeting someone else. But that's life and I have to accept it. She has her own life now, and it doesn't involve me in that kind of capacity. Hopefully, it'll get easier and, not to sound selfish, there'll be good times in my life again. I just wish I could wipe my memories that distress me when I think about them - ala Enternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - and then the good times would hurry up.
My mates are there for me and are giving me something of a support network, and have fed me a wheel barrow full of cliches. Things like: plenty more fish in the sea; time's a great healer; and it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. The last one is a particular favourite, but I completely disagree with it.
The thing about our line of work is that we have a lot of time to think, and that's what I do. Unfortunately, it's about what has happened, so it's like sticking the knife back in, again and again, day after day. I know that I'll be fine in the end. I'm just going to need a lot of time to change my life and what I now dedicate it to, aside from my work. Thanks for relating to me. :-)