Hey people! Need a rant. Now I'm in second year PhD and I share a flat with a girl who is doing a post-doc in a different subject. We used to get along fine but recently she's started getting really competitive over things like who's working the longest hours, who's the busiest and so on. She takes any opportunity to put me down and big herself up. Last week when I was talking about supervising our MSc students, her response was 'oh well, you're barely more than that level yourself are you really'. She keeps telling me how she has been in work since 6am, how many papers she is working on, how the conferences she goes to are 'bigger' than the conferences I go to etc and it's really doing my head in! I really love my topic and my work and feel as though I'm doing well, I just don't need her constantly trying to prove that she's bigger or better! I'm not sure if she's just insecure or trying to convince herself she's amazing but she's clearly trying to prove some sort of point and quite frankly I've had enough....but I don't know what to do! It's such a silly thing to get annoyed about but it's really grating on me!! Any ideas?

Cheers, KB

======= Date Modified 29 Mar 2010 22:15:31 =======
Hi KB, sounds awful, you have my sympathy, and livng with people like this is very difficult. Yep, I'd say she was insecure, all that constant bigging of the self up is usually a dead give away. I think the best thing to do is just stop sharing with her, and stop spending time with her as much as you can, before it send you spare. Best of luck. XXX

sounds like she needs constant validation (or some kind of justification). Sad, but some people deal with their insecurities this way. Surely you don't have to be her social-worker here; I know how annoying it gets (had a friend just like that). You wouldn't want to hurt her, but how much more can you take it... Does she handle humor well? You could perhaps try that without being too cruel? If you don't care too much about her, perhaps you can just let her be, and give her a smile every time she brags? If you become aware of your attitude (being bigger and tolerating her), she will be easier to put up with...

There's nothing worse than a competitive flatmate! (Well there is, but you have my deepest sympathies ;-))

Mine is slightly like this, although he works in a museum and we generally get along really well. One example recently was when I stayed up all night marking essays, having worked all day too. He came in at about 4 am, drunk, and went to bed. I bumped into him in the morning and when he asked how I was I said not great as I'd only had two hours sleep (not his fault). He said 'god yeah, me too, it's difficult isn't it?' He'd been out drinking all night! I managed to splutter 'That's not the same!!'

I know it's not brilliant advice but the best thing I can think to do is ignore her. If she starts talking about work just change the subject or give non-commital answers. She's obviously insecure about her own work.

I just wrote a reply to this then my laptop froze and I lost it...will try again!

Sorry to hear about this, sounds really annoying and difficult to live with, I'm not surprised that you are having to rant about it! Were you friends with her for long before you moved in together, has she been like this before? Is it just the two of you in the flat?

Its easy to say in a situation like this, but I do think she is jealous of you and putting you down is her way of acting on it, also I think that the people who constantly have to talk about how much they are doing often either do the least or feel the most dissatisfied with what they are doing. This is her problem and bears no reflection on you, it is just unfortunate that you have to put up with it. She is finding it difficult to address the flaws in herself so finds the nearest person to have a problem with, you probably just ignore her most of the time so she just carries on.

I've been in a similar situation before but with a work colleague rather than a friend, she was constantly belittling me for no real reason and rather than being angry about it I got really upset and was constantly trying to please her, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong in the first place. I wish I had been more annoyed with her as I should have been and confronted her properly. I think that as you live with this girl you need to nip it in the bud, and actually tell her that you are offended, she may not even realise how badly she comes across. It will probably be a bit awkward at first as nobody likes being told that they are upsetting others, but it would probably be helpful for her as well, she can't be happy if she is behaving like this.

Hope that helps and good luck, Nx

I had a similar(?) problem with my flatmate when I was doing my first master. We were in the same course and that made things a bit more difficult.
We had different working patterns (e.g. I was studying what I thought were the most important parts of a book, and she read it all) which meant that I was always finishing my work earlier than her, leaving me time to do other stuff. That was making her very angry, and was saying really bad things to me...
I also had my bf there, while hers was away, and that made her really jealous! She even told me once as I was sitting in the kitchen that I was offending her and that when her bf had been there they respected us and he hadn't even come to the house, let alone eat there!!!!!!!

My reply always was "Good for you!!!! or "Maybe I am cleverer!!!!!" (he last one was very harsh I know!!!!!!)

Maybe you could say something similar! In your case it could be "Good for you! You are so clever! I am so stupid!!!!" If she is a little clever, she will fell the irony and stop.... Perhaps!

hi keenbean :-)
well I'd be annoyed too! if she talks again and again, let it in one ear and out the other :-)
satchi

I'd just out do her. Either by replying 'that's not what I heard' when she says "I'm doing really great!" - its a bit harsh but will put her in her place.

Or I would say, "well the other day when I was having a chat with John...." - John being someone very senior who everyone knows as prof... or Dr... e.g. the dean or head of department.

I am in a similar position with a friend on my MSc. I've basically stopped sharing the really important stuff with her - like I don't tell her who I'm in talks with about a PhD etc. Because the moment I mention any kind of achievement it ramps up her competitiveness. I've also recently become friendly with other people who are doing really well academically (winning prizes etc.) who aren't pushy or competitive at all, and it's such a relief to see that you don't need to be like her to be an achiever!

I agree with the person who said that you should share less info with her. Just try to give her the impression that your life is somewhat calm and bland. Amusingly, that might spook her even more, but it might be best to confide in more stable and more secure friends.

Ogriv
xx

I know where you are coming from. Luckily, I have never shared a flat with anyone like this as all my friends were really laidback. The bragging rights were usually gained from Halo or Pro Evolution Soccer 8-)

There was this guy in my undergraduate who was like this, always putting stuff on facebook like his exact wordcount on his dissertation etc. He would shout out in class that he was getting all of these amazing interviews and that his dissertation would get published. In the end, he only just got a 2:1 for it and he meekly approached me and my friend on graduation asking what we got. We told him and then I asked him about his and he said 'Yeah, got a 1st, just...' and then I said 'That's not what I heard' and the look on his face was priceless.

You either just have to ignore it, deflect it until they get bored, or just stand up and tell them exactly what you think of them and what a complete moron they are. In the end it's all just attention seeking.

Sounds really annoying, the kind of thing that would make my blood boil when something was said and then niggle away at me at other times. JUst what you don't need to face at home! It sounds to me like she's insecure about her own position - is she struggling with her post-Doc, or having stresses with the academics she works with? It could be that she's feeling under pressure and is kicking you as a reflex to validate herself (she may not even realise she's doing it - or maybe she does?). It doesn't make it any easier or nicer for you to bear, but may explain why she's being like that. I agree with the others who said you shouldn't put up with this - I guess it's a question of how much you value her friendship whether you try to (sympathetically) tackle her issues by talking to her about this, or whether you just find a way to cut her influence on your life, by distancing yourself from her or even, at a last resort, moving out. Hope the situation improves, anyway!

Oh gosh, this does sound infuriating. There was a postdoc in my department quite similar, it was relentless. What kind of responses have you "tried out"? What happens if you agree with her? Along the lines: "Yes, you are working long hours." "Yes, you must be quite busy" etc. I am not saying you let her start comparing you with her (I would definitely ignore that and not respond to that!), but maybe if she is indeed insecure, it would help her to hear that someone "acknowledges" that she is working hard.
Other things you could do when she is really annoying and does the whole "I'm bigger, better, wiser" thing, just use deception, such as that you are really busy, cant talk now and leave the house, or point to the window and say "look, there is Madonna" (or sth similar) and leave the room as she turns round to look (that will only work so many times though. :p)
(sprout)

Urgh, how gruesome keenbean!
I had a friend like that at undergrad, he was well known for it in our social circle and would compete on anything and everything. Didn't matter if it was our first charity fun run, our dating situation or our thesis topics. He would try to be supportive, but sooner or later the competitive remarks would just slide out - he couldn't seem to help it. I think it often does boil down to insecurity (how many truly confident people need to trumpet their success?) but that doesn't make it any less infuriating I know. Given how hard you work and how much you've achieved kb, it wouldn't surprise me at all if she felt insecure next to you despite being a postdoc.

The only way I've found to deal with it is just to avoid the topics that spark their one-upmanship. Maybe whenever your flatmate brings up work just say something like "to be honest, I'd rather not talk shop after a day full of it, my brain's had enough" and leave it at that. If she ever asks why you don't want to discuss work, then you have the option of gently saying that she tends to be competitive and you find it tiring.

If you're feeling brave you could try this option first and just tackle her on every remark (depends how well she'd respond to having her self-awareness raised!). Something like the MSc comment is a classic snide remark, you could simply say "perhaps you mean to be supportive of my workload but what you said feels like a put down, I'm quite hurt by it". Usually people get away with their behaviour and I think they barely notice what they're doing, they're so shocked when they are challenged that they're often completely apologetic.

Thanks guys, it's good to have so many helpful replies! It's strange, we used to get on so well, especially considering we only met when we were looking round the flat the two of us are now living in! I think she is insecure- the department she's in isn't very good, she has a lot of grief from her colleagues, and I think she also feels a bit inferior to her boyfriend, who is in the same field but in a better department and doing outstandingly well by the sounds of it. The other thing that really seemed to provoke her was when we were at a psych talk together (one of those public lecture things), and all her friends from her department were saying how interesting the work of the department was and how boring they felt their topics were in comparison. The next day she launched into a speech about how everyone finds her subject really interesting and how it was the 'sexy' subject of her field and so on. She also rattles on about how she is now in a 'position of power' because she had been asked to be chairperson for a symposium session at a conference or something. Arrrrgh. And it spreads into other issues as well....I'm really sporty, but whenever I'm chatting to mates about kickboxing or the gym or whatever she always goes on about how she once ran a marathon (she does next to no exercise now), it's like she just has to have one up on me all the time. I try not to, but sometimes I even end up rising to it myself when I get really annoyed. I wish I could just let it wash over me but it's hard. Anyways, thanks for your suggestions, I will think about which ones I could put into practice without being too confrontational- I'm not good with confrontation! Best, KB