Hey all! My fiance has been doing bits and bobs of jobs as he hasn't been able to get anything decent for a while. Now he's got a 9-5 job about half an hour from where he lives. He doesn't drive, so when we meet up in the week I normally drive to his house (about 30 mins drive) then drive back later that night. Usually he always encourages me to stay quite late and I end up driving back and getting to bed around 1am (okay, I know it's not that late but I'm getting middle aged!). Now he's got a job, all of a sudden he's announced that he will need to be going to bed at around 9.30-10pm every night, but that he'll 'make a special exception for when I visit'. I feel a bit annoyed- he's happy to keep me up til 1am in the week when I have to get up and do a full day's work every day, yet as soon as he's got a job he suddenly is insisting that he needs 9-10 hours of sleep every night and him staying up is 'a special effort'. It's almost as if he doesn't treat my PhD as a 'real job' yet he knows I work really hard and often long hours.

But my question really was- how much sleep do you need? I seem to be fine on about 7 hours but he insists he needs 10! I know everyone's different, but 10 seems like quite a lot and it's having an impact on when we can see each other!

Thanks, KB

That does sound a bit mean from your fiance, my boyfriend can be a bit like that sometimes but we are the other way around in terms of sleep. I love getting 9-10 hours but have to make do with around 7.5 in the week and that's going to bed at 10.30pm (I have a long commute to uni). However he will be quite happy on 6 hours some days and will moan at me going to bed early, especially as he works shifts and some days we don't see each other even though we live together. But other times I can't get him out of bed.

I get told sometimes that because I get to sit down all day it's not hard work, bf has to be on his feet all day at work, but I know he's only teasing most of the time.

My hubby did this - he started working 9-5 and it completely took it out of him, especially in the first 6 months. he had to get up at 6.30 so we were going to sleep at 9-10. I obviously need less sleep than him, because I was getting up, taking him to the station, dog walk, clean house, do a full day of PhD etc but then I'd lie awake for hours at night while he was snoring away :-s

I think you just have to treat them like toddlers, they need their nap :p

I find I can only sleep when I'm warm and dark - I have blackout blinds and curtains :-)

I'm really odd ;) I need about 15 hours every day at least, and sometimes nearly 18 hours. It's because of my progressive neurological disease and the brain damage from it. When the disease is more active I'm nearer the 18 hour mark (17+ hours is my record - still have to break the 18 hour barrier). But typically I need about 15 hours.

I sleep a lot ...

Hi KB - I think he's just being a typical man! I generally do need seven to eight hours a night otherwise I get sleepy in the afternoons (think I'm getting middle-aged as well), I think this could be down to medication I'm on as well. I find that if I have a late night and just get six hours I need to make up for it the following night as well.

Men do tend to need more sleep for some reason, and sometimes you find that they become quite egocentric when something in their life changes and they expect everything else to change in order to accommodate them! I think that 10 hours is a bit excessive, but his job could be a bit more tiring if he's having to learn lots of new things or whatever. I think he'll gradually settle into it and need less sleep. Wouldn't it be easier for you to stay over though, I guess you'd both be getting up at a similar time? Nx

Well I like my sleep zzzzzzzz!  I would love 8-9 hours but reality of babies and toddlers means I get 7-8 hours. As long as the 8 hours is more often than 7 hours, I can manage ok.  But then I used to do a clinical job with oncalls, so working 24 hours straight followed by about 4 hours sleep was quite normal then :p

I would imagine that the new job has made him conscientious about being 'on the ball' at work. First impressions count, so turning up half asleep would not bode well.  However, I can see your point aswell, so maybe as has been previously suggested, you opt to stay over now and then.

Thanks for your replies! Well I have to admit, I'd love 8-9 hours a night, but then my day would just not long enough to fit everything in! I don't mind that he needs more sleep, it just bugs me that he never took into account the fact that I was always tired out from driving back and to, getting home late and sacrificing my sleep to see him and suddenly the rules seem to be different! I would stay over but he lives with his mum and only has a single bed, so that's pretty awkward. I should add that his mum very recently walked in on us in his bedroom when we were not quite naked (but getting there), so as much as I like her, I'm always on hyper-alert when she's around now! Also, by the time I've finished work and been to the gym it's 8.30 by the time I get there and he wants to be sleeping from 9.30 onwards so it's a lot of mither for not much time together :( I don't know if he really needs 10 hours sleep per night or if that's what he's used to because he hasn't been working and has had time for that, but it doesn't half limit things a bit! Best, KB

I find that it seems to vary pretty much without any correlation to what I've been doing, but when I'm tired I need to sleep or I turn into a horrible ogre of a person. 10 hours is a bit excessive, but I'll happily sleep for 9 hours (11 till 8) most nights. You may find that he has always had that much sleep, it's just that he didn't surface till the late morning/early afternoon before (assuming the bits and bobs jobs weren't full time).

I'm like Winston Churchill and...bluerghh...that Margaret Thatcher. I can get by on about 4-5 hours and usually do. I'm not really a fan of sleeping because when I'm led in bed trying to sleep, I can feel my body shutting down (heart rate slowing, things like that) and it makes me jolt up, wide awake. I think that 7 hours is a healthy number (so scientists say) and 10 hours is excessive. There is such a thing as getting too much sleep. Anyway, I'll bet you any money that he might say that he'll be going to bed at 9-30 to 10 pm every night but that won't actually happen in the end. The TV watershed is after 9 pm and some of the best TV is on after that.

I am in the bed most nights for about seven-eight hours but rarely, no, never get a full night's sleep. Similar to Dunni, children put the kibosh on that. I have no babies now but still constantly wake up. It actually doesn't bother me and I would often unload the dishwasher or put a load of washing on at 3 or 4 in the morning:$ Plus, I have the radio on low all night and often listen to programmes I missed during the day. I'm not an insomniac, just a very intermittent sleeper!

Noise/light from outside doesn't bother me either. I worked shift work for sixteen years, including night shifts, on a fortnightly roster with no pattern or predictability.

My husband who is on shift work loves his siestas on the couch which drives me :-s, "I'll just go for a little snooze..." Men, in my experience (!!) KB, need more sleep than women. I don't know your fiance obviously but I would guess that as he becomes more familiar with his job, he will stop going to bed so early.

Hey- I wish Wal, but his house doesn't have TV or internet, so he literally does just go to sleep at that time! I guess I shall just do my best to be patient and work around it. Anyway, he has quit his new job to go back to care work now after all that. I am getting frustrated at the moment because I seem to be the one making all the sacrifices in the relationship to make sure that we see each other enough- just today he was asked to do a shift at work so cancelled our meal out tonight. He phoned and I said that was fine and not to worry about it, and he promised that he'd keep Sunday free even if he was offered a shift so we could go on our planned day out (we just got new mountain bikes!). Then another phone call just now to say that he'd taken a shift on on Sunday so we can't have our day out. Now he wants to go bike riding Saturday morning since he is working in the afternoon which means that I have to completely rearrange my weekend and we'll also have to do a much shorter ride because he'll have to get to work. I'm just frustrated- I know he has good intentions and is just trying to save up money for us to do the things we want to by taking on extra shifts but I'm also working damn hard to get finished on time, get as many publications and conference presentations as I can so I can hopefully get a job after my PhD, and I arrange my hours around him and his shifts to make sure we see each other. Surely there has to be give and take both ways? Sorry- just on a rant! Grrrr! KB

KB, have you told him how you feel? I think you need to have a (calm, non-shouty) conversation about the whole give and take issue with him. Maybe he thinks he is making sacrifices, or contributing to your relationship in ways that you haven't even thought about. Just as he might not have thought about what your sacrifices and contributions are- in which case you should point them out to him.

I know the situation has changed now, but didn't he say he would make a "special exception" to his usual bedtime for when you visit? And wasn't that exactly what you were doing as well, going to bed later than usual on visiting nights? Ok, his way of putting it might be rather inept, but maybe that was his way of saying that even though he was working full time, he was still making a special effort for you.

Anyway, there's a lot of maybes in this post, as obviously I'm only speculating! Just some thoughts that jumped out at me.

In relation to sleep, needs do seem to vary a lot, I find the "typical" 7-8 hours is ok for a while, but is not really enough for me, I need more like 9. I need a bit more sleep than my husband, and sometimes struggle to get enough, as when I finally find time to catch up on sleep he sometimes wakes me up/keeps me awake etc! I can end up getting very tired, grumpy with him, and finding it difficult to cope with life in general until I can get more sleep. We all have slightly different needs and priorities, communicating them to your partner is the only hope of your lives fitting together harmoniously :p
E xx

Thanks Elsie- we did have a talk about this last night and I think we've sorted things out. We both hate bad feeling so we don't tend to sulk and let things drag on. I feel under a lot of pressure at the moment as I am nearing the end my PhD and need to find a job afterwards to support us both, so we can move in together locally (neither of us want to move- especially him, and there is only one university here) and save to get married, and so that we can both live off my income whilst he does his teacher training. I am bending over backwards to try and make this happen, however hard it is going to be, whilst also making sacrifices (like sleep and work!) to ensure we also get to spend time together. I just feel like maybe he doesn't realise how hard I am trying and get frustrated when he doesn't always seem to have the same priorities, but in his own way, I know he is doing his best. But in my book, we need to spend time together to have a relationship- he says as long as we love each other (which we do!) then that shouldn't matter. We'll be okay anyway, I think we're both having a stressful and anxious time at the moment and I'm probably a bit hyper-sensitive over things. Thanks for your advice. Best, KB

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Optimal for me is like 10! Which I do not often get, but when I can, I feel soo much better. 8 is necessary--9 is more frequent, I can get by a day or two on less than 8, but then I collapse ( well not literally...but nearly!). In the midst of PhD work, I would take one day of the weekend to basically just not ever bother to get out of bed, save for the most necessary reasons! so I could catch up on sleep. I wasn't depressed or ill--I just needed that much sleep to feel OK and rested again! Then I would be raring to go again after my sleep catch up. I don't like having to have that much sleep--it eats into the day and getting things done, etc, but its just a fact of life, and now I just try to get as close to 9 hours as I can manage...with the occasional indulgence of 10 if I can manage it every now and again!

PS

Sounds like have done the most important thing--talk things through...and keep talking. That is what all relationships need!!!! communication! Make the most of the time you have together, and remember, this too shall pass. In the life of the relationship, the shoe may be on the other foot sometime, where he feels as if he is making all the adjustments around your schedule...what goes around inevitably comes around...and so I think the key is what you have already done--TALK it over!

I hear 8 hours is the norm and I admit when I get elss than that I still feel tired in the mronings! SOme friends I know though can survive on as little as five hours, I just carys from person to person. Going to bed a 9pm for a 9-5 job seems a bit extreme though!