Hi folks

sorry for the rather random nature of this post but I just thought I might find some words of wisdom here...I'm just sitting here comtemplating the nature of things, and I was wondering how everyone feels about settling for things. I know in life there are always things that have to be compromised on, but at what stage does the compromise become giving up what you really want and settling for something less? I suppose this can go for anything really, from work to relationships, and I seem to have reached a point where I have to make a decision soon about the kind of compromise I am able to make and I just can't do it. On the one hand I could be giving up something really great, but on the other hand, I don't know if I'll ever feel fully satisfied with staying with the compromise I feel I'm making. So while I feel like i should be happy for what I've got now, I feel like I'm giving up on something better, out of fear I suppose...

Sorry for the slight rambling here, wine is involved! Just thought I'd see if it's just me or if anyone else feels like this sometimes...

sorry to be nosy, but since this forum is anonymous, what exactly is it that you feel you are compromising on? and what is it that you feel you are missing out on? until you give more info,. difficult to comment on your original post!!

mmm...I don't want to say too much, but I'm thinking of the relationship aspect of things....I would have to give up something I've wanted to do for ages to keep someone happy, and I just can't seem to make my peace with it...but I know friends who have compromised on other things, like on jobs, or career versus family etc and wondered if anyone here has had to do the same...

if it is that much of a compromise, then it sounds like you will really regret 'giving something' up for 'someone' . Resentment will set in and things may go sour.... IMO if you have to think that much about it... it is not so clear that compromising is worth it! does this make sense? for example, give up a job/opportunity to stay with someone - if you really have to think for a long time about this, then that someone is may not so BIG in your mind, and you should go for the job! that is what I would say.. but that is just me, and everyone and their situations are different! I would only compromise for someone, if they were really worth it!

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Hmmm, this is a tricky one. I think everyone has to compromise sometimes, but the question is really how big a compromise it is and what is most important to you. The fact is, you are never going to know for sure how something will turn out, so I think it's a case of making your decision and sticking to it. I do have a belief that what will happen is meant to be etc, and that things do work out in the end as they were always meant to (I'm sure some people will disagree with fatalistic view on life wholeheartedly-horses for courses etc!). In my experience that has what has happened in my own life- I have had to compromise the career I originally wanted for the sake of my health, yet now I've found something that I love and would never want to have missed, and I know it's right for me. I suppose in terms of your situation you need to ask why it is not possible to have both? Is it a practical issue such as finances, or is it because someone disapproves of/doesn't see the value in what you want to do? In which case, are they the right person for you? Do you think you can get over not realising your dream? There are a whole load of questions to consider really, which would sway my advice! Can you tell us any more about it? No worries if not- not everyone wants to spill everything on a forum! Best, KB

Hi there

Yes, this is a toughy, and something I think about a lot too. You're right, fear holds us back, and can make people settle for something lesser when they possibly could've had a better job, relationship etc. I often also think I should be happy with what I've got, but there's always other paths and dreams to pursue...Hard to give advice about this, but what I've found works for me is to go with gut instinct. When I haven't, things have turned out badly, and when I've followed my instincts, things normally turn out OK, more or less. I think small compromises are part of life, but if you're really torn, and are thinking for settling for something you think isn't best for you, don't do it, I reckon. Go with what you know deep down you should do.

All very vague, but hope you manage to sort your issues out...

I am constantly questionning my PhD - I will obviously finish it now, but realistically I love animals and would have/should have done vetinary training. But now I am 25, and have no experience of work, debt from my undergrad and not enough cash to go back and do ANOTHER 7 years training. I feel like my life is a complete compromise and I really don't enjoy my subject area. I just wish I could turn back time and do what I wanted, rather than be influenced by people saying "oh, why would you want to do that?". When I do have my PhD it will add little to my employability and I will probably go into a similar job or worse than most graduates. I don't really know how to change this, I could retrain and do a masters to convert my qualifications to look at animal psychology, but that would mean another year of training and moving to the only uni that offers it. Hmph :-(

It often comes to a choice: relationship person or the 'something else' (be it career etc). Especially if they can't support you in the 'something else' that you want to do. For me I had my (now husband)'s support in wherever I wanted to go for work but I only looked at places that would suit for both of us. Essentially I made the decision in the relationship direction. My best friend however made the opposite decision and is very happy now too, though it was difficult at the time.

Thanks everyone for all your replies :-)
I agree about the gut instinct, and I know what mine's been saying to me for ages, but I think I've been trying to ignore it as mostly I've thought things will work out but it seems like maybe I was wrong to do that... I think the thing that causes the most problems is the relationship aspect is the importance each person places on things, and when one person can't understand how something is important to the other then problems arise.
As for work, it's my final year now and I've been thinking where I would like to go after I'm finished and there are a whole set of compromises there too, I've no idea if it's better and stay and continue working on what I'm doing now, in what could be a really great study, potentially making it more difficult to move on after, or to up sticks and try something new?! Does anyone know if it really makes that much difference staying to do a postdoc in the uni where you did your undergrad and phd?! I know there was a thread about this a short while ago and there seem to be varied answers....
ah lots to think about these days I see, lots of choices to make!

hi Algaequeen, hi everyone
Reading the 1st post I'm not sure if this question is general or phd-centered, assuming its general...
I guess sometimes we may never know how much to compromise for.

I for one, cannot never do something I really want to do, especially when it comes to family, there is no compromise. A crazy example, if I suddenly fell in love with another person, I could never divorce my spouse because my family (namely my parents) will not hear of it. So to keep everyone happy I must never fall in love with any one else. And then the family stays together.

then someone might say...but satchi, you are not happy....

then again it doesnt matter whether I'm happy or not. I've prorammed myself to live like this.

it sounds a bit sad. but I've become so used to it.
satchi

Hey again! It was a thread I started about doing a postdoc where I had done my BSc, MSc and PhD. I'm sure you could find it- it wasn't long ago, but the general consensus was that you will be judged primarily on your work, your publications, and who you are working with etc, more than whether you have changed university or not. For me, the practical thing is to stay here, as I love where I live and am very happy here, the department are excellent, my supervisor is fantastic to work with and is world-reknowned...why would I go anywhere else right now? Your reasons for staying put might be a bit different to mine, but it's your happiness that's at stake here, so put that first! Best, KB

:-)

Hi Algaequeen
I think that sooner or later there comes a point in everyone's life when you must decide on your priorities. I'm probably not the right person to give you advice as I have a similar dilemma, but just wanted to tell you that there are a lot of people facing the same problem (maybe this makes you feel a bit better:-)). Personally I think that when you're still under 30 years old, it really makes sense to focus on career, but if you have a serious relationship and you plan to have family at some point soon you may have to make some sacrifice..
It's hard to decide, but I think instead of thinking and rethinking, maybe you should follow your instinct?
I hope whatever you choose turns out to be the best choice!