i need some advice. i know there have been lots of posts on relationships during a PhD but ive found myself in a bit of a dilema. My partner wont move from where we live, but ive been offered a job many many miles away which would make long distance impossible. im torn between him, but he had made it clear he will never be willing to move, and the fact that ive spend my life so far studying in the hope of getting a good job that i love. i just dont know what to do!! i would hurt me to leave him but then i feel as if i stay where we are i will have to do a different type of job with probably few prospects.

What are his reasons for staying where you are now?

i'd follow up on H's question. if he does not have very good reasons for not wanting to move, but is rather just too comfortable as is and can't be bothered to move, not even for your sake, then i'd assume the relationship is not going anywhere. in that case, you can just as well end it now and follow your dream, rather than staying and breaking up in a little while because you are unhappy... and then have nothing - not the job and not the relationship.
on the other hand - how "once-in-a-lifetime" is that job? is there some sort of compromise possible?

My thoughts were similar to Shani.

My husband would move to the ends of the world to be with me. He's already shown this by moving 300 miles away from home to be with me, when he has never lived away before. This obviously meant new job, leaving behind his large circle of friends (he's very social), his family! He's always said, the place we settle depends on where I get a job but this is because I have spent twice as long getting to this stage in my life and I am more specialised. It could be a different situation with your guy.

he simply doesnt want to move!
its THE job i could have ever imagined for plus great pay and prospects.

I think that by staying and missing out on this great opportunity, you would be making a big sacrifice for this relationship, something which he isn't prepared to do.

It's up to you whether the relationship is worth that much or if a long distance thing could work.

I had a similar experience after I finished my undergrad, I ended having to choose between my partner and my own career plans and I regret my choice completely. I'll spare you the details but basically I chose to go with the relationship and ended up in a job I hated as job prospects were low in the area we moved to. We ultimately broke up when I decided I wanted more out of my life and I got no support with my future plans. I was told that if I was going to move away to go to uni 'again' then I would be going alone. The result is I felt I had ended up wasting alot of my time/energy/money moving for someone who just wanted everything on their terms. At the end of the day any partner worth their weight will be supportive of your choices. He is being a little unfair to you if the only reason keeping him there is because he just doesnt want to move, he should be willing to at least try to work out some sort of compromise.

I think it should come down to practicalities - will your job pay more than his? can he get a job where you are going or is he specialised, do you see yourselves together in five years time, do you want kids - will he have to support you then? what makes you happiest - your career or your homelife?
If you are very career orientated I think you will end up resenting him if you stay - especially if he isnt willing to discuss the possibility of moving in the future. Maybe you can make some sort of deal to move and try it for two years and then move back if he doesnt like it.

it appears to me, not knowing the details of course, that he is somewhat less than committed to your relationship.

turn around the perspective: what is HE deciding, what are his choices?
- he can go with you and keep the relationship.
- he can stay, while you go, and give up the relationship because he prefers not to move. (think of it. "not moving" is of higher value to him than your relationship.)
- he can ask you to stay, then he gets everything - relationship and "not having to move" - and he is also putting the blame for any relationship trouble on you, as it is your decision to end the relationship and move away. (again, think of it. you are deciding between relationship and career. he is deciding between relationship and "not moving". the latter is more important to him. but you are to blame.)

I agree with what Tricky said. If he is committed to you and the relationship, he would find a way to try to compromise. Your dreams and goals would also be important to him. Sounds like he may be jealous of your opportunity and perhaps secretly threatened by your abilities and successes. I was faced with something similar after my US undergrad degree and a boyfriend that wanted to get married, while I wanted to go to law school ( 3 more years of school). He said he would not wait while I went to law school, I decided I was far from ready to marry at the age of 21!!! and that if he cared about me and my dreams he would not have forced a choice that so utterly foreclosed them. I went to law school, and I don't know what became of him!

Maybe I have just had ill luck or ill choosing in partners, but it seems that at important junctures of my education and career, if I was in a long term relationship, I had a partner that sometimes tried to force choices, a them or the education/career opportunity. I think that this may be a common issue for highly achieving women, that their success does not sit easy with the male psyche at some level. There is some kind of "syndrome"--named after a character in the show Friends, about a succcessful woman dating a man that was not as "achieving" as her--I cannot for the life of me think of what it is...

but the point being, that successful women sometimes tend to date "down"--I hate that phrase, cannot think of a better one to describe what I am trying to say, in order to try to avoid the problems and competition they encounter in other types of relationships. Bottom line-if your partner loves you and is committed to the relationship, he will not force such a black and white choice. If he will not yield, move with out him and be glad you got away.

Interesting what you say about jealousy Olivia, that was one of the issues I had with the person I was talking about. He hated the fact that I had a better education with better prospects. He also didn't like the fact that ultimately I would end up earning more money than him; to him money was the be all and end all.