Ok so I'm posting this in 'off-topic' as it is very off-topic but I'm struggling at the moment and the people in the forum have been friendly and supportive with my PhD concerns in the past.

So I'm coming into the third and hopefully final year of my PhD, I feel like I'm a little behind (though I know this is a common feeling). I have lots and lots of hard work ahead of me, one final phase of data collection and lots of writing. This I can manage, I just need to work hard, reward myself, keep a good routine and look after my mind and body.

This is all being made harder by life with my alcoholic partner. He is what people call a 'high-functioning alcoholic' in that he has a good job, turns up on time, does bits of D.I.Y. and his fair share of housework, food shopping, pays his share of the bills etc... BUT he drinks excessive amounts of alcohol. To put this into perspective, I arrived home from the university today at 4pm and he had finished 4 bottles of red wine which he bought at 8pm last night. He can easily drink 2 bottles of wine a day every day. It is mostly at night and up until recently was only at night but on 2 occasions recently, I've woke on a weekend at around 7am and he's got up half an hour before me and is finishing of the film and bottle of wine from the previous night, while I sit with my cereal and coffee. I worry about his health, long-term and short-term. He has lots of mood swings, he can be cuddly one minute and then wants to tickle and nibble at me. This is all sweet and romantic fun when he's sober but when he's had too much to drink he can be rough, extremely irritating and the nibbling becomes more like biting. CONTINUED BELOW

He goes into rants about things in the news, global politics etc but in an almost aggressive way so it is impossible to engage in a proper conversation and he tells me I'm too liberal and naive. He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.

When he's sober he is the most loving, caring, attentive, intelligent and creative man I have ever met. He buys me flowers, he drives me to surprise places, he fitted a bath in our house as we only had a shower and I love to have a bath, he compliments me, listens to me, cares for me when I'm sick (even took a day off once to care for me). He talks of our future, of getting married and travelling, he makes me laugh and makes me feel very loved.

I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago to tell him how I feel and he stopped drinking for 5 days and things were better. For 2 weeks he only drank on the weekend and in moderation but things have slipped back and feel like they could be worse than ever.

He recognised that he has a problem, I’ve told him that I’m not there to change him but there to support him and I’ve suggested counselling but he doesn’t want it. He says he can manage his own problems. I’m started to think that I should try and find a new place to live (I have no family to move in with near to my university). I’m starting to think that a break would be good for him to gain some perspective and control of his life but moving out would be a massive upheaval especially for me (selfishly) at this stage of my PhD.

I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any experiences or can point me somewhere, it would be really appreciated.

Thanks

GM

Alanon is the place to go for advice. I don't have direct experience thankfully but have seen situations like this at a more advanced stage. Definitely best to take action sooner rather than later. It must be a very stressful situation for you.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds very difficult. This might be controversial, and I'm sorry if it offends you, but really I would advise you to leave unless he agrees to get help. Or stick it out until you are in a better situation yourself and then leave. These situations tend to get worse rather than better if someone is trying to deal with it on their own.

I have to agree with TreeofLife I'm afraid. If he won't seek help, then your best option would be to leave no matter how much it hurts you. You're in a difficult place as it is with the PhD and you don't want that to become anymore difficult.

He doesn't seem to be the type that becomes violent when under the influence or I'd be suggesting you got out now. However, that can change should the alcohol take a real stranglehold (it varies from person to person) and I would look for a plan B if he won't seek help.

If the first thing a person does when they get up in the morning is need a drink, the alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear for both them and those closest.

Ian

hi mule,
I am so sorry to hear of your partner. My cousin's husband is an alcoholic, he is sweet when he has not had a drink but when he starts drinking (if he starts), he cannot stop and this has caused a lot of problems for my cousin.

I'm sorry to say this, but I feel that you would be better off moving to another place (let him sort himself out), because right now you are MORE important than drink, and as horrible as it sounds, only he can sort himself out. If he is refusing help or in denial, there is nothing anyone else can do. I've seen my cousin agonise and suffer over this, it can be very hard, so please leave while you can.

love satchi

Only you know if you can live with this. Even if he sorts himself out he will always be an alcoholic. Can you marry and have children with him? If you can't picture that future then there's no point delaying the inevitable. You're so close to the finish line now with your PhD so well done.

I don't know. If someone admits to their problem and seeks help, they can live a life where the drink plays no direct part then perhaps there is a future for them both. She describes someone who, drink aside, appears to be a very attentive and loving person.

I think as long as he's prepared to seek help to stop drinking, there may be something worth saving. That said, she can't wait for ever if she won't and ultimatum time might be approaching as the drink can have a powerful pull. If she looks within, she knows better than anyone what her next move should be as she will have a good idea how he will react.

I know of a situation very similar to the above where a girl I kew at school fell for someone who it became clear was an alcohlic. In that case, the drink won.

In another case, the person stepped forward and said he had a problem. In his case, he went on to find himself someone (ironically with another recovering alcoholic - they were able to support each other) and have a family. There can be a happy outcome.

Some people just seem to become addicted whilst others are able to take or leave the drink.

Ian

The drink often wins, though not always - but, GM, I think the usual advice to alcoholics is to stay away from alcohol completely. I'd be surprised if the weekends-only rule worked. Very best of luck with it all.

Yes Ian you are right. I was trying to make the point Kelpie does that alcoholics are always alcoholic because they should abstain. At the minute he's far from being a recovering alcoholic. Whoever mentioned alanon for advice I'd follow that up as they can give you support too.

Thanks so much to everyone for the honest and supportive comments. I had not come across alanon before but have looked them up since and think this would be a good way forward for me. I've also made a conscious decision to put myself, my work and my health and wellbeing first rather than spend excessive time fretting about my partner. I try to keep an open line of communication with him at all times. He knows I am there to support him but I have also put things in place to protect myself and my PhD! As things stand he has not had a drink for 3 whole days, through his own choice and desire to look after himself. There is however a works function this evening. Him and his collegues are going for a meal at 6.30. My concern is that the restaurant is around the corner from his work place where everybody finishes at 3.45pm. Between finishing work and going to eat they will all be going for pre-drinks. I'm not sure if my partner has the self-discpline or strength to limit his drinking. In the past I would have spent the evening worrying about him, would have offered to pick him up only to turn up and him act childish and refuse to leave with me, leaving instead drunk in his own car (this happened once 4 months ago). This is the first works function since then and I have refused to drive out to pick him out and have him argue with me for an hour in public before driving himself home! Instead I have offered to pay for his taxi and take him to collect his own car tomorrow. The choice is his but I will not pick him up as even if he does get in my car with me, on another past occasion he has spent the journey home playing with the functions and gear stick on my car to the point where I've had to pull over a couple of times.

I don't need that stress so instead I am staying home. There is money for a taxi by the front door. I am going to catch up on my PhD work and then enjoy a few hours to myself.

Reading these comments have given me a lot to think about so thanks again for reading and responding to this quite off-topic topic!

GM

Get out now. Hopefully you are not married to him. If you are - get divorced quick.
Get out, or you will be in for years and years of misery and being blamed by him - for his behaviour.
If you stay - you will have constant misery, constant poverty, constantly have to watch to see what he is doing. Drunks are also terrible liars. You will never have an easy day.
Angelette

The strength of your response suggests you've been in a relationship with an alcoholic or know of similar.

Understandable.

Ian

It sounds very difficult - just as a quick point. I recently ended a r'ship (for entirely different reasons) and moved out - six months before my PhD was due in. It is a big hurdle and super time consuming but now that I am moved in to my new place I am glad I did it. That last 6 months of the PhD I feel that one needs to be quite selfish (hard to be that if you are caring for someone else) and I already feel that the independence of it all is really conducive to getting my head down and working. Just not having to come home abd cook for someone, or spend time together, etc., make it all a bit easier to prioritise work. Just a thought really. I hope you work something out that works for you both. It does sound like there is willingness to change on his part - the days of abstinence that you mentioned; this is a good sign, celebrate that success with him (if you want to stay with him), but ultimately he will probably need outside support. AA is obviously very successful for many people.