I just want to say this before I start. I have had several mentors and been to a decent university as an undergrad and as a masters student. I recently got dropped from my second MS program (frankly I do not understand why because my mentor said my work was at dissertation level and I myself know my work could easily be published). Frankly I do not know if he is going to publish it without giving me credit and frankly I do not know if it is my fault for being preyed upon like this...?

Anyway,

I don't know if this is taboo to discuss or if I am paranoid and delusional. But numerous times I have gone to a professor with questions and been able to disentangle information without even addressing the question directly. Once I went to a philosophy/logic professor with a very specific question that had a very specific answer (kind of a math question). He seemed busy because there was someone else (similar in age) talking to him even though it was office hours. He looked at me and walked away. I drew several diagrams on his board of the math/logic problem and my mastery of the question. At the time I simply walked away arrogantly thinking it was my own internal understanding that brought me to an answer my question.

But nearly 2 degrees later I have been through this again and again although very much abstractly because my field does not have concrete answers (like the logic/philosophy/math question that I described prior). I have been slow to take advantage of my mentors due to personal insecurities but now I crave people with higher knowledge because (and I may be delusional) I really do believe they have an ability to transfer knowledge without conflict (IF AND THIS IS A BIG IF: THEY DESIRE). They withhold information to retain you in order to do their grunt work in higher level programs.

I also believe these professors have an ability to put their students under hypnosis (if the student is focused, trusting and naive enough to allow it). I went to my chair once (the one who dropped me) extremely distressed because our relationship had seemed strained for some time. But I laughed somewhat as if I was insane (and I may be?) or because he had hypnotized me by making me focus on certain things (which I obliged to do because I'm an idiot?)...

Does anyone have a similar experience?

Hi amilo,

I think that during these stressful times it would be best if you could visit your family and stay with them for a while, or if you could ask a family member to visit and take care of you. Let your family know you are going through this as fast as you can, you need support and not go through that alone.

All the best

Hi amilo

I share DrJeckyll's concerns that at the moment you may be experiencing symptoms of stress or some related issue. I see from your other post that you had a previous hospital stay and were in touch with a psychologist and psychiatrist. Do you still have a contact for mental health services? You are obviously a very intelligent person and I think these feelings you are having may be symptoms of being unwell - I would encourage you to have a chat with a professional. Take care and all the best.