Well seeing as you're all so good at relationship advice...
Okay, the situation is this.
About six/seven months ago I found this random number in my phone of this guy. Not sure who he was, so I thought, hey I'll text and see who it is. Anyway, once he'd replied I vaguely remembered who he was although not sure where on earth I got his number from (I think it was from mutual friends, although we don't seem to have any!). So we kept texting on an off, I was living about 40 miles away. Was nice kind of stuff, how was your day, what you up to at the weekend etc
Anyway, eventually we decided to meet up as we seemed to have a lot in common and I was going to his town for a concert. Plus I was just about to move ready for my new job so it seemed like a good idea. We met up and it was great, but nothing special, but did really like him. We kept in contact, as I was then just moving for my new job, although now again about 40 miles away different direction. We met up a few times again for dinner (as I can go via his town to get to visit my parents) and all was wonderful. So I thought...
Then he just went quiet. I text a few times, rang a few times. Nothing. Eventually I got a response saying he was "busy". Okay, fair enough, he is and I know he is so I said, tell me if you're not interested. He asked what had given the impression he wasn't (!) but things seemed to be okay.
Then he went quiet again when I asked if we could meet up again, as I do occassionally work in his town with my new job. Nothing again. So I was a bit rude when he finally replied and told him either to stop leading me on and just say "not interested" or else tell me what is going on. Then I got rather angry when he couldn't make up his mind - out of frustration more than anything else. I'm still getting used to a new job and a new town and new surroundings and it wasn't the best of timings.
So... not sure what I do now? I have apologised for my rather unprofessional outburst, though not for what I said as I don't think I'm wrong that he seems to have been leading me on. I do like him, I'm happy to make the effort as he works lot longer hours than I do. I just wish he would say either way, but he doesn't seem to be able to and that's more frustrating than an outright no!
Come on agony aunts and uncles of PGF, DanB needs your advice :-x
In my opinion you should give up on this guy; he clearly isn't interested enough to make it worth your while to pursue him. If he isn't clearly saying Yes, you have to assume it's a No, and just let it go. Don't allow him to string you along; you teach other people how to treat you by whether you put up with their crap or not, and what you're teaching this guy is that he can string you along and you'll still be available whenever he wants you. Tell him to get stuffed; there are plenty of equally great guys who won't mess you about.
Well I'm not so great on the relationship advice front but here is my two penn'orth since no one else is helping you. I would try to be cool (I KNOW that is easier said than done) but backing off a bit might make him see what he is missing. If you are in his town then drop him a casual text about meeting up but keep it casual. I'm was never good at this but they do say "treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen"
Keep us posted!:-)
Could he already be in a relationship? I'd play it cool - maybe try and arrange a date and if he can't be bothered, leave it at that and move on. If he can, then use it as a chance to discuss what exactly he's been so busy doing.
No, he's very much single - that thought did cross my mind!
I know, I need to just leave it and act all cool. I know he is very busy and I know why (due to his job and forthcoming promotion), I just like people to be honest and direct with me.
Never mind, it's not exactly as if I'm fighting them off with a stick anyway!
Sorry Dan, but he's stringing you along. If this guy really liked you he would keep in touch. Backing off might make him more keen but would you really want to be with someone who wasn't sure about you? Or wasn't sure enough to make the effort?
I'm speaking from bitter experience here :-) Cut him out completely and save yourself the heartache in the future.
Hmm, I don't know if he's leading you on or not... He's very busy and works very long hours, so maybe he doesn't have much free time? Though, he should still have the decency to explain this to you if he is. But then part of me thinks that if he was really interested in you then he would make time. I know that if I were in such a position in my life, even though I'm doing a PhD, I flippin' would.
A part of me also wants to say that you can do an awful lot better than be in an ambiguous pseudo-relationship like this, if you want? Do remember (as if you need reminding!) that you're in a new place and it can take a while to settle down and get to know the people there better. If you invest too much in him and it's not reciprocated, then, you might find yourself in a world of pain. Plus I don't think all the 'lego bricks' are there for making anything more, like a proper relationship.
Sorry, I'm working this out as I type. I think you should go quiet on him, seek new opportunities and leave the ball in his court. If he does like you, he'll make the effort. If you've found somebody else in the meantime, then hard cheddar to him. (up)
lol what does it matter if DanB is a boy or a girl?! I agree with the others though DanB, you should move on from him. I know it's tough especially when you are in a new area and every friend counts when you are still trying to meet people, but you have to remember how much you are worth yourself and decide what you are willing to accept. And especially when he's messing you about (which he totally is) then it's better to get out now than months down the line when you've really fallen for him and gotten used to how he is. If he wants to see you, he'll make the effort, if you want to play it cool and give him one more chance then just text him and say that you're a bit busy for the next while but if he's free and wants to meet up then he should give you a call. Then you can decide what to do about it if he does! Remember you deserve the best, and if he's not the best, then he's not the one for you!
DanB
I wouldn't rush to the conclusion that he is not interested in you. He clearly is interested in you, but the distance and not seeing each other that often + work schedule probably means that he is unsure how much time to give to you, this man that he likes, when it seems uncertain what might happen.
Perhaos you could agree to see him or try and ask him if he is around when you are next in his town. Perhaps give some indication that you could be around a bit more frequently...
I had a thing in the past like this with a guy in London, but that is almost 200 miles away from me. 40 miles is much more managable. Perhaps offer some idea that, if he wanted, you would be willing to make a journey to see him frequently so that, if he wanted, a relationship would develop....
Thanks all for your replies, I knew you would all come good!
I think you point it out rightly Wally , he doesn't have a lot of free time, I know that and accept that and that's how it will be for the next six months. I've said I'm happy to take things slowly and steady if needbe but it's that lack of clarity. I don't want to start dating other people and then he says, oh, I thought something was going on between us. Yet if I ask if something is, I don't get a clear answer. It's like going round in circles!
But I'm going to do the play it cool thing. I am due up to his town in a few weeks time, I'll see how I feel by then about things but I am slowly starting to get and about a bit more here.
